weighing in on my issues

I reached a major milestone this week. On Thursday morning, I reached a weight I have not been since the beginning of 2002...I was only there for 6 months or so, and before that I hadn't been there since 1999. Next month I will most likely be in my wedding dress.

Most of the people in my life are very unaware of my struggles both emotionally and with weight loss...and I strongly believe, that for me, the two are inseparable.

I'm not EVER going to say "Oh it's easy, just eat right and exercise." For me it has been so different than that. To have my emotions so closely tied to my physical body has always been a challenge.

I can say that I've never necessarily hated myself or even hated my body. I just didn't like that way I looked sometimes. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it's just me.

I have always been athletic and regardless of weight, my body has always pulled through and done whatever I asked of it. I look back at a few things now and I can't believe how strong my body really is. Last April I ran a half marathon. I think this was a turning point for me. It was that first thing I had done where I felt limited. I realized that emotionally I was going through some crazy things...but my body was paying the price. I really want to do things without limitations. I am the type of person who sees limitations as more of a challenge, I enjoy pushing myself.

As last year continued...thing only got worse. There were family issues, neighbor issues, friend issues, religious issues...and I ate every single problem throughout the summer. I think I was disappointed that my half marathon didn't help me lose weight, I wondered if anything would. If running mile after mile after mile didn't shed any pounds...how could I be motivated to do anything else?

I guess I hit a turning point. It was when I was removed from my life, that I realized how much stuff I had been letting affect me. While Mike and I were on our Anniversary trip, there was nothing from my day-to-day...just me. I saw the price I had been paying, and the price Mike had been paying for all the insignificant things I was worried and bothered about. Being away, I realized really how insignificant most of those things were.

When it was down to my marriage, my relationship with the Lord, and my children...I realized how important (or not important) everything else was. Besides those basics, shouldn't everything else be positive...in a way of positively affecting the basics? Many things and people in my life were not helping me be a good wife, mom, or daughter of God. When all is said and done in my life...the things that were most important will be all that's left. Those other things will be viewed as obstacles or challenges.

When I came home, I made a goal to emotionally detach myself from anything weighing me down...literally. Anything which made me feel sad, angry, worried, scared...anything that wasn't positive. I've always been good at acting the part of a 'strong person', and in some ways I am. I can say and type a lot of things I feel. But behind closed doors and in moments of weakness, I can be struggling with a lot of pain.

It is hard to detach yourself from people. Food was actually one of the easier things to pull away from. It was pulling away from certain people, knowing that I still love them...but can no longer 'let them in'. I have to be on the outside of some of the relationships I was in the middle of. I'm not sure that even sounds right, but it all made sense for me. It was as if I was covered in leaches, and I had to pull each one off. Some, I could pull right off...while others had been there for so long, it was really hard to remove them. Things and people were literally sucking the life out of me.

I'm sure this all sounds so selfish. It really is selfish. There's advertisements and commercials about 'making time for yourself' or Oprah said 'love yourself enough'. I really didn't see it that way. I kept thinking "whatever! I make plenty of time for myself...that's not an issue" For me, it was how I spent time on myself, the words I used, whether or not I was honest with people who hurt me or used me, and taking quick moments to realize 'it just doesn't matter' when I would be stressed.

I'm a huge fan of the Biggest Loser. It always kicks my butt that they lose 8 or 10 pounds a week. I would work so hard for my 1 or 2 pounds. Everyone would say, "but that's all they do...they exercise all day long" Now, it's always cheesy for me when they cry...or get emotional about things. When Jillian says "why are you here?" and blubbering tears come. Thank goodness for DVR's, it's my cue to hit fast-forward. (that statement will really 'date' me someday)

So, here's where I get cheesy...
I think that when you are pulled back, and you can look at your life, and ultimately yourself...without all the things that stress you out, or make you worry, or just people's stupid drama...then you see that basics that are left.

People who leave their lives and do the Biggest Loser miss their families and close friends. Do they miss their boss or work? their neighborhood? their kid's teachers? their crazy family members they dread seeing at yearly events? no.

I know it sounds rude...but I guess I had to get over that too! If I offend someone...I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to. If I don't like you...sorry, I can't pretend like I do. If you make me angry...I probably won't keep talking to you. If you hurt my kid...well...you get the idea.

With the emotions compartmentalized, I could see food for what it was. I LOVE food. I love to cook, and I love learning new things to cook. I love tasting new and exotic dishes. A bag of peanut butter M&M's is not new and exotic. I know how they taste (amazing!) and I can eat them if I want to. But I don't eat them because I'm in a fight with my Mom. I don't eat them because I had a long exhausting day.

I still find it hard to not eat for convenience. Unfortunately, fast food is nice and fast! and it continues to be fast at it travels straight to my hips! It's there the next day. Then I think, "I already ate crap today...what good will vegetables do me now?"

And what really pisses me off? If you can find healthy fast food...it might be fast, but it's not cheap! At that point I'd rather go home and cook something that tastes better. (I just can't fork over $7 for a salad with wilted lettuce, or $5 for a sandwich where they skimp on meat...come on!)

Blah, blah, blah...yada, yada, yada...
I just need to get it all out. And I need to be able to read through it again in my moments of weakness.

Mike and I both come from big genes. (and big jeans!) I've often worried about my girls. Will they be too thin? Will they be too fat? Will they struggle with body image and self-esteem? I pray daily that they don't! Jr. High and High School will come...I will have to take a back seat to their lives (luckily I'm a loud backseat driver) and they will have to make their own decisions. I'm really glad now...looking back...that I've had to learn the things I did. In Jr. High, I had an eating disorder which ruined a lot of me. I learned that people hold your emotional control. My emotional control at that time was taken by my Mom, my Dad, and my abusive Stepfather. When I took my emotional control back, I could see why I had no control over myself.

Ironically, I didn't realize that being obese was exactly the same issue. Only being at home, knowing how to cook, and having a kitchen full of food all day long made me want to eat, instead of not eat.

At 29 years-old, I didn't realize who had my emotional control. When I was 14, I thought those people took it from me...and I had to get it back. In many ways they did take it, children can't always fight for themselves. As an adult, I see that I gave am giving it away. It is something I give, they can't take it from me unless I let them. In order to get back my emotional control as a kid, I had to tell them exactly how I felt, what they had done to me, how it made me feel. (and I had to use explicit and horrific language to do so) As an adult, I can quietly step away and remove myself. I can take my emotional control back without confrontation, not necessarily without hurt feelings, but certainly without explicits...maybe. :)

I know I will blab on about this for a while. Maybe the next year or so, off and on. I feel that documenting my journey and struggles will help me sort things out...and give me something to look back and reference in harder times.

I certainly don't mean to brag or sound like a thin person who preaches about weight loss. I am comfortable where I am, and hope to be in the next month or so. I will never have a goal weight or size I guess, and I will never wear skinny jeans. I probably will never be in a single digit size, but I feel healthy and happy. If I don't make it to the elliptical or can find time to do yoga?...oh well, I'll try and fit it in tomorrow.

I may not have any qualifications to talk about physical and mental health...but I have a pair of jeans in every size from 4 to 24...so I guess in some ways I think I've earned it.