Sophie. (sigh.)Sophie has had a tough week... therefore... I have had a tough week. Sophie has got some issues with anger. Bless her heart... her needs combined with my lacking parenting skills is a recipe for disaster.
I can't help but wonder why, of all the parents in the world, she was stuck with me. My greatest fear is that's I'm not only unable to help her, but I'm making her issues worse.
She has stopped pulling her hair out (fingers-crossed) and I think it was only a phase. But her new display of anger is... leaving. Yes, she just takes off.
Luckily, some neighbors caught her behind our neighborhood in a retention pond. She was only a few feet from the busy road. She was barefoot. No coat. Apparently she road her bike to the end of the street, then took off on foot.
Lexi came running inside... where I was visiting with my friend "Mom! Mom! Sophie's running away!" What?! So I look from the porch and realize... if I took off running, even with legs three times longer then hers, I would never catch her. I grabbed my keys and jumped in the car. Leaving my friend mid-conversation, and passing another friend on the way who stopped her car and rolled down her window to talk... "Sorry! Can't chat, I'm chasing my daughter who decided to run away."
As I'm driving, smoke shooting out from my ears, I'm racing with what I will say to her. One thing I learned from my class... if I'm too angry to have a calm and logical talk?... wait. So I walked out to the field in a straight line, right towards her. There were four older girls from the neighborhood, all doing their best to restrain a different limb... despite the screaming, kicking, and flailing of her body. There were no words... I just grabbed her upper arm, and dragged her to the car. I put her in and shut the door. Silence.
I dragged her from the car to her room, and locked her in. (Yes, there is a lock on the outside of her door... sounds harsh, but sadly necessary.)
I waited until Mike came home, by that time I knew we could go to her together, and I could unclentch my jaw long enough to speak actual words. After talking, hugging, and feeling we made progress, I chalked it up to a "one time" thing.
The next day I'm driving kids home from school and stop the car to visit with another Mom. Sophie asks "Mom? Can I get out and play?" to which I respond "No sweetie, we have to go home... your sisters are waiting for us." Next thing I know she's shutting the car door behind her. I throw the car in park and jump out... and I knew she was off to a head start. She knew it too, and took off. I caught her arm and got her back to the car.
Wednesday... Cori had a friend over, and they asked to go play with other friends on the street. Sure. Three to four minutes go by and I realize... no Sophie.
I throw on my shoes and walk down the street to find my 4 year-old playing games in the street with the neighborhood kids... ranging from 15 to 9 years-old.
This time we have a conversation about the fact that I'm more than willing to let her go and play... BUT... she needs to ask me, and I need to know where she is.
(sigh.)
It's not like she's mad. There's no yelling, fighting... there's NO display of anger... she just leaves. When Mike asked her why she ran away the first time? She calmly answered "I just wanted to leave" No reason why. Just because.
For some reason, I think it would make me feel better if she yelled at me first. At least I would have a warning, and I could keep my eye on all the doors. When I ran away from home... I packed a bag, I yelled, there was the "I hate you!" and then I left.
I think the first time I ran away I was in Kindergarten. I remember it clearly, and my Mom laughed when I mentioned it to her. She said she knew that I'd be back home. I remember that I told her I "hated living here, I'm going to live with Annie! Her Dad isn't mean! Her parents love her!" I was waiting for my Mom to beg me to stay. I wanted her to promise that things would be better. Instead, she just let me go. I think I got two steps out the door and screamed "FINE!!!!" and marched back inside to my room.
Unfortunately, that was the first part of a destructive path I formed of running away. I refuse to let Sophie go down that path. I don't know if my Mom begging me to stay would have fixed me, or changed that path. I think about how a 6 year-old can be that broken inside, from the outside it seemed pretty harmless... but I know it wasn't harmless. Even in Kindergarten, I was already broken.
I see a lot of myself in Sophie, but what I see in her is more of what I have now... as an adult. So it's like trying to raise the adult version of me. As a kid, I was very responsible. And truly, I wasn't defiant very often. It was at 12 when 'all hell broke loose'. I look at Sophie and it's too painful to imagine she might suffer things that I did. If I give her everything I didn't have, why can't that fix it? All I keep saying to myself, over and over again... unconditional love. She has to know she's unconditionally loved. No matter what. If there was one thing I believe could have helped me, it was that.
Her teacher has talked with me about some of her struggles with learning, getting upset if she's corrected. It makes it near impossible to help her read. Pretty much, you have to either sit there while she makes up a random story and flips the pages... or risk asking "what sound does that letter make?" and hope she doesn't get up and walk away!
I know that she does better for other people than she does for me. But why? Maybe it's because I'm the one who puts her in 'quiet time' during the day?... but I'm also the one who feeds her lunch! and give her rewards when she's earned them. I'm not just the bad guy!
I want to have a healthy relationship with her, like all my kids. Mixing that balance of fun and discipline.
So I can't help but lay in bed at night and think...what do I do when summer comes? I have a 'hotel' type lock on the inside of my front door. (Which we put on when she first learned how to open the door) I can hear the garage door open... if it's not already open.
I really want to give her freedom, but I'm afraid to. My parenting class leaves me thinking I'm being too controlling. But letting her suffer a natural consequence would not only be unsafe, but it would lead my neighbors calling the cops. (and after this past week, I wouldn't be surprised if one neighbor already has!)
Is it illegal to do an electric fence, and put a collar on her? Enough zaps and I think she'll get the message.
5 comments:
Oh Sherian, that's a tough situation. I often wonder if my kids can survive me. I wonder what destructive parenting I am inflicting upon them unintentionally and what the outcome will be. I'm not at all suggesting that your parenting is incorrect, I think we're all in this together. Hopefully our kids will survive us and grow up to be far better than we ever were. Best wishes! And if you need a mental health break, come on over for a cold one..... Dr. Pepper of course ;-)
sherian, i just keep hoping that our childrens STRONG and defiant personalities will be used for good as they get older, because right now it is just hard!!! one thing we have at our house is an alarm system that is hooked up to every window and door and every time one is opened of closed it beeps and you can hear it through the whole house. i love it! don't ever let yourself think that you are not the perfect mom for sophie, she was meant to be yours!!!! have faith and hang in there, you are what she needs. hope all is well, lets get together soon!!
Meg:0)
So sorry about the run-away. Sadly enough Abby was just going through that stage also. You are a lot nicer than me (but I guess with a retention pond and busy street I might be too). I just let Abby go. Last time it was during a snow storm. She'd gotten mad at Ty and Emma and decidced she'd had enough of our family and was going to run-away. So, no shoes . . . no coat, not even long sleeves or socks. She was down by the mail box. Standing in a pile of snow and crying. When we tried to go after her, she started running more . . . so since I knew we were leaving soon anyway I left her (thinking we'd pick her up in the car on the way). So as I was gathering up shoes and coat and socks for her the neighbors who live in your old house came to tell me that Abby was standing bare foot down in the snow. I nonchalantly said, "I know."
Well, their dad was rescuing her, so she'd be at their house, because it was really cold, and there was snow on the ground. I did realize that, didn't I.
(Yes, I did.)
I sent Travis to retrieve her and told him we were taking seperate cars because I wasn't ready to talk to Miss Abigail.
As I was pulling out of the drive way, Travis was carrying Abby, who had a chocolate dipped strawberry and a cookie.
I stopped the car and took them from her. Got back in the car and left.
Once I finally calmed enough to talk to her we had a nice talk. I asked her if she wanted to live somewhere else. She said no.
So I told her if she wanted to stay apart of our family she wasn't allowed to run-away again. And if she did, she wouldn't be allowed back.
She started to cry and said she wanted to stay apart of our family.
So far it has worked. She has threatened . . . but then she quickly remembers that if she leaves she can't come back. (Hmmmm . . . what will I actually do if she does again though? I won't think about that yet, right?)
And Abby even has 1 and some on Sophie.
Dang! THis parenting thing sure isn't easy!
That's so hard. I truly relate to being a broken 6 year old, and I think that has helped me so much as a parent, because I still remember keenly what it felt like at 6. So the fact that that even crosses your mind I think can only be a good thing for your kids. I laughed when you mentioned the electric fence. Jerrod and I were just talking about barking collars that would zap our girls when they screamed.
Because I am mother of the year myself I have all sorts of suggestions for you. Especially since I am sooooo good at mothering other peoples children, mostly from a distance and behind their backs :)
For reals though, I have been thinking about this and do you know what I would do. Scare the pants off of her! I would tell her that when she runs off like that and someone sees a little girl ALL BY HERSELF they call the POLICE and she could be taken away from you. It's a little fib, but those don't count when it for their own good right? That's how I get my kids to get themselves buckled in their seat-belts and to stay that way. The POLICE don't like it when moms don't buckle their kids and "if you don't they will take you away from me!" Works every time.
I think she is smart girl. Smart enough to reason with. If she understands the importance of what she is doing wrong and the consequences (Getting stolen by a stranger who eats little girls, having the police take her to live with a mean mommy who will duct tape her to her bed, ya know, those consequences!) She will snap right out of it!
The again, this is coming from mother of the year!
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