Subdued

Subdued: (adjective) lacking in vitality, intensity, or strength

This would be the word I could use to define myself more recently. I feel like I'm going through the motions... not necessarily unhappy or not content... just subdued.
I've been living on an average of 5 hours of sleep these days. Feeling like life is moving forward and I'm not quite present. I'm here, just not fully engaged. If my life were a painting I would be in muted watercolors... somewhere in the background. I feel transparent.
The strange thing is that it hasn't made me any less productive. In fact, waking up earlier than normal (and not being able to go back to sleep) has helped me get things done. I'm moving forward... but it's as if I'm a passenger.
I have busy weeks, busy days, and July is a crazy busy month. Maybe I will feel normal when things slow down a bit.
I do worry that my new philosophy of "fake it till you make it" is taking a toll. Being happy on the surface, putting a smile on, or just giving off the impression that everything is fine is supposed to get me through the time until it is all true.
All my laundry is clean... just sitting on the couches. Besides that... my house mimics my feelings. Everything seems okay on the surface, just don't look too hard.

Writing is my struggle against silence. Do I stay silent? I can try... but sometimes I have to write.

I want to fix it. I want to fix me, but I want to fix the things around me that I have no control over. In looking back, the last few years feel like a decade. The past 6 months feel like years and years.
So much has changed... my relationships with people, my feelings about family, my circle of friends, my testimony of the gospel, my faith... in people and myself. Some things have gotten better, and some have taken a turn in maybe a wrong direction.
So what happened?
I can remember a time... not that long ago... when I was in a real good place. A place with friends, a calling that I loved, I was loving myself... accepting myself. What happened? How did life take a turn... after all, I am the driver! (not a passenger)
I told Mike that I feel like I'm being punished. Punished maybe by God, by people who have abilities to help me, by some family, and by some friends... and truthfully by myself I guess.
There is a soft chair in my therapists office.. it's been calling my name for months. I just keep thinking things will get better. Accepting that they won't, feels like giving up.
So what the hell happened? I don't know.
I recently had an experience that took me backwards. I once again felt betrayed and mostly confused as to how I got in the situation. After trying so hard to move forward, I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I'm not progressing... emotionally, mentally.
It's not like I have a horrible life. It's not like I have the struggles I see others going through. The fact is that my struggles and challenges cannot be seen. Which is why I feel the need to fake it. If my loss of faith in people showed as a monetary loss... or my feelings of betrayal were open wounds... or maybe if my pain were big scars on the outside of my body, it might be easier to deal with? or easier to get over?
For a long time I was scared of happiness. I didn't ever want to become comfortable. It was scary to let my guard down, because so much of my life was just surviving. I like chaos... it makes me feel safe. So I guess I grew comfortable over the past years. I let my guard down... let people in... trusted. I got complacent and my life became still. Now I'm trying to build up some type of safety net again. And as much as I'd like to give people the "benefit of the doubt" I've been knocked so far from what I thought I knew.
I can say that I'm not angry with God, we actually have gotten rather close. Mike and I are as close as ever, and I adore my children. Should that be enough? Am I reaching for things that shouldn't matter?
I used to believe the saying that when "God closes a door, he opens a window". I don't think that God closes doors on us. People close doors. And we can open a window... if we can find it. I just need to find my window before I lose myself in this room.

I'm so tired of disappointments.