Baby you're a Firework!

I feel like I've fallen off almost all the wagons in my life! The blogging, weight loss, budgeting, creativity, productivity wagons.
I've been trying to get back in the groove, and interestingly enough... getting my groove on is just what I needed!
Music has always been super important to me. The times I've been inspired the most, have been through music. I can think back to the first time I really felt the spirit... music. I can't cut hair without it. For my entire Jr High and High School years, I had to fall asleep with music on. It's just a weird quirk I guess.
My newest favorite song is 'Firework' by Katy Perry. This is why...

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Umm... this is how I've felt for the last two years! That drifting has sent me in a lot of different directions, and I'm still trying to figure things out. Just when I think I'm back on track... I seem to have another set-back.

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I posted a while back that I was 'subdued'. I felt transparent. I honestly think it's been why I haven't been able to blog. I started using FB simply because it took less time and less thought. I can muster up one sentence... but beyond that it's just too depressing. I remember how therapeutic it felt to blog. I know I've got to get it back in my life. It's that feeling of screaming inside... something that needs to get out!

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

I feel that spark. That part of me who wants so badly to feel good again. I remember how great I felt a couple of years ago, I think it was probably the best I've ever felt in my life! I know some of the things I need to do, I just can't seem to do them. So when it comes to igniting the light... there is my problem. I KNOW the things I need to do. I KNOW the foods I should be eating to lose weight. I KNOW how to be a good friend and foster those relationships. I just have to figure out how to light that fire inside of me.

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the 4th of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go, "Oh!"
As you shoot across the sky

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down

So that's the motivating chorus! The reminder that I simply need the courage to be who I am, and be okay with that. I DO have worth, and I can show that worth to others. Quite frankly, if someone doesn't want to see that worth, then truly... it's their loss. I can't let other people define me, or decide what I'm worth. I'll admit that making them go "oh!" is something I think about now and then. I would love to show the people who have pulled me down, that I'm not who they have pegged me as. But I know I have to prove it to myself first.

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

I do feel like wasted space sometimes. I'm not contributing to my own life... let alone the lives of those around me.
I love the reminder that we are all original... because we truly are! We live in a world where we are all trying to be the same. We compare ourselves to other people, people who are so different than us. I've always felt different, and there are times I've embraced it more than others. There are areas I'm okay with being different... and other ways I'm not.
I don't know what the future holds... and if I did, I think it would be easier. I'd love to know what I needed to do to get out of this 'funk'. And I'd love to see why I've had to go through some of the things I have. What are the lessons I need to learn from all this?... so I can move on already!

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

There's that saying about God opening a window when all the doors are closed. I'm not sure a window has open for me. I've wondered why not, and if God would open a window. I've blamed myself for maybe not being where I should be... maybe I'm being punished, feeling trapped in a dead end. The love idea that I can open the door I need, because I can wait for the right door. Maybe my road ahead is not perfect, but if I learn from my experiences... it will be the right door and the right road for me.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

The lightning bolt has definitely not hit my heart yet. My heart has been badly damaged, and is taking a long time to heal. I've been angry with myself for not being able to forgive. I feel like I've tried to force forgiveness, but pretending to forgive does not cut it. In fact, I think it's toxic. "Fake it till you make it" is a concept that doesn't work well for me. And I do believe that it will come... and when it's time I will know.

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July...

Then that awesome chorus again, so motivating!

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon,
It's always been inside of you,
And now it's time to let it through

I do believe that it's always been inside of me, I'm still the same person as I was two years ago. That person is not gone, she's just been a little lost. I need to find her and bring her back. On the surface I'm very much the same... besides the 20 pounds I've gained in the last 2 years... but underneath I've got to find her and get her back.
I know that when I find her I will be able to fix other things... my testimony will be able to grow, I will be a better friend, I'll be more positive, and I can really get back on a healthy path. Physically healthy and mentally healthy.

So my journey to find myself will go deeper. I will be blogging more... it may be a spew of internal battles... but I know it will be a form of much needed therapy. Spring will come, and the warm sun will follow. I'll be removing toxins... toxins I take in my body, I take in my mind, and evaluate some toxic relationships I have and toxic situations I put myself in.

So thank you Katy Perry! It's a very unexpected source of strength... but I'm grateful for the message and the inspiration behind it. Thank you for touching my heart and helping me find the strength to open the perfect door.