Small girl in a big world

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."
— Marilyn Monroe

My lil' Sofa Loaf. She's more like me than I realize sometimes... our personalities are too alike at times... hence the clash of two strong and opinionated people! I always tell people "the things that make her difficult at times... are the things that I love about her!" She's often all over the place, but I steal the moments of her sweet and soft side. (because I don't get to have them when I want them... only when she's in the mood to give it to me.)

I'm one of those parents who truly wants to know how my child is behaving. I know how my kids behave when I'm around, my fear is how they behave when I'm not there. Sophie's so strong-willed and I don't know how she does with other authority figures.

Sophie has some funny things about her. One of them, she does not see a difference between age or gender. She will speak to a 6 year-old girl the same way she speaks to a 60 year-old man. Recently our ward changed the location of the Primary room. She walked into the room... now being used for Elder's Quorum... walked right to the front of the room, and with an almost disgusted face said "Ummm... what are you guys doing in here?!" she stared at them all and shook her head "I don't know what's going on!" She promptly walked out in the hall and started asking another adult what was going on.

I help in her school class every other week, and see her interacting with the kids. Her teacher said she hasn't had problems with her... but I'm not sure I always believe her.

I spoke with a friend on the phone who told me a story someone told her who witnessed Sophie at her best. Apparently she and another little girl were sticking their tongues out at each other. It went back and forth a couple times... until Sophie had enough! She just got up... walked over to the little girl and licked her face. WHAT??!!!!

So I've always wanted honest feedback from Sophie's teachers... and I definitely got what I asked for last week!

I came in to help and noticed Sophie wasn't there. Her teacher told me that she had gone into the 'special needs' class. Apparently they take a few kids in there each week to help the children with needs have interaction with other Kindergartner's. It was Sophie's week, and her teacher said she likes it and had done it before.

After helping for a bit I see Sophie and a few other kids come in with the teacher of the other class. The teacher walked over to Sophie's teacher and is whispering something to her. I see Sophie's teacher smile, cover her mouth in shock... and I just knew they were talking about Sophie. Sure enough Ms Palmer motions for me to come over.
I went over and Sophie's teacher asks the other teacher to tell me what she had just said. Sophie's teach prefaces it with "You'll think this is funny."

The 'special needs' teacher proceeds to tell me how Sophie was asking why one child couldn't talk. Apparently they were trying to tell her "he hadn't learned yet" and she kept responding with "I don't get it" which of course she says with attitude. Sophie then said "So he's just like a big BABY?!" Then the teacher tells me how rude" Sophie is.
I was a bit taken back... but then she started a sentence with "If she were my child..." and it hit me that she had NO IDEA I was Sophie's mother. Ms. Palmer quickly interrupted her and started defending Sophie. She said "If you knew Sophie..." and "That's just Sophie's personality" and I could tell she felt horrible.
I called Sophie over and explained that Sophie was very "blunt" and also used the word "brash". (offensively bold) I explained to Sophie that saying the child was a "baby" was not nice. She was asking why the child couldn't talk... and literally was asking if he was a big baby.
Of course I cried all the way home. It was exactly what I asked for... I've always asked as she is doing.

At parent-teacher Conference I brought up a few concerns. It worries me that with the school year half over, she doesn't know the names of kids in her class. I noticed after seeing a few kids in her class outside of school, and asking her "who is that?" She responds "someone in my class"
Ms. Palmer said I was right, she points to people or says "Hey you". And she confirmed that it's not normal.

It's as if she cannot 'connect' with people. She also has become obsessed with funny little routines. If someone is leaving the house, there is a 'goodbye' routine. And OH MY GOSH! If for any reason she is not able to do it... or heaven forbid someone leave without telling her... she freaks out!

She has things she does to comfort herself. Sometimes she rocks back and forth. She is very literal... and needs everything explained to her. She's extremely independent, stubborn, and strong-willed. Her fuse is super short and she is quick to anger. She really struggles with some different things.

So with her neuroglogical issues when she was little, she was given 'behavioral therapy'. I understood the importance of physical therapy, but I didn't like the therapist for her behavioral therapy. I didn't do what I should have. I worry that I didn't give her what she needed.

I don't know if her issues early on are in any way connected to her issues now. But I spoke with her Dr. about my concerns. She is overdue for a MRI, and he wants to follow-up on her Chiari (a rare abnormality at the base of the brain that results in brain issue extending into the spinal canal) So she will go to Primary's tomorrow for that. Then we meet with the Neurosurgeon a week from tomorrow.

I'm not really worried about her Chiari, she has not shown physical signs of problems. But I guess it's nice to know if it has grown, or how much.
After that, we will start working on 'behavioral' issues. I know as a mother... my concerns are exaggerated by the desire for her to be happy and healthy. I'm not ready to settle with a blanket statment of "that's just her personality".
She has taught me more than I would ever think I could learn about parenting. Just when I think I know what I'm doing with her, it stops working. I know it will be a process... and I know that her feeling 'unconditionally loved' will be the best medicine I can give her.

I just love my little Sof. She makes me laugh at least once a day. She's a blessing in my life, and a spark of excitement in our family! Love her.