Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dear Lord...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Marilyn Monroe

I was talking to a friend tonight and after she left I had one of those moments where I said to myself "why did I say that?" and "why did I bring that up?" I hate that! When I walk a way from a situation kicking myself and thinking "have you not learned anything?!!" Seriously!

I have a problem... I'm missing filters in my brain. I'm trying to establish them... but if I'm tired, had a long day, or just too darn comfortable. I open my mouth and it just starts coming. Next thing I know, the conversation is over and I'm thinking "I shouldn't have said that!"

It was nothing specific, just a general topic I can't seem to get away from. Certain things I just can't seem to get over. Geez... get over it already!! I feel like I'm over it... the emotions aren't raw... but the fact that I still talk about it just kills me. It's like it's always there, and I just try and pretend it's not. ARGH!!!

So instead of being an uplifting and positive friend, I just dump on other people. People who don't need to be dumped on, but need me to be a listening ear for them. Oh if I could take back some of those conversations. But I can't... so... like I tell myself over and over again...

(there, now maybe I will)

I've found myself on the downhill again. Oh how I hate the up's and down's. Things were so great no that long ago, why can't they just stay that way?
I seem to lose control of things, and next thing I know I lose control of my feelings. I can't lose weight, I can't keep my house clean, I can't get out of bed in the morning. It horrifies me to think that my children will have memories of the days I couldn't get out of bed. I try and make it up to them the next day or two... but it's ridiculous that I have days where my body thinks it needs 12 hours of sleep, (up to get Sophie to school) a 5 hour nap, then literally another 14 hours straight of sleep. Ridiculous!

So the next day I make myself get out of bed... and I'm sure everyone who lives with me would rather have me just stay in bed! I'm short, impatient, emotional... and I go to a place where I decide I have no friends, any the world is out to get me. Crazy, I know... but even knowing I'm crazy doesn't change it.

So my new plan...
#1- Screw the 'no caffeine' kick, if I can't drink coffee I've got to have my DDP
#2- I must try and make my treadmill my friend (to get this weight off, and to try and get me to sleep at night)
#3- keep my mouth shut! (I'm not allowed to talk to anyone for more than 5 minutes anymore!)

... at least that might get me through the week!