Dear Lord...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

I was talking to a friend tonight and after she left I had one of those moments where I said to myself "why did I say that?" and "why did I bring that up?" I hate that! When I walk a way from a situation kicking myself and thinking "have you not learned anything?!!" Seriously!

I have a problem... I'm missing filters in my brain. I'm trying to establish them... but if I'm tired, had a long day, or just too darn comfortable. I open my mouth and it just starts coming. Next thing I know, the conversation is over and I'm thinking "I shouldn't have said that!"

It was nothing specific, just a general topic I can't seem to get away from. Certain things I just can't seem to get over. Geez... get over it already!! I feel like I'm over it... the emotions aren't raw... but the fact that I still talk about it just kills me. It's like it's always there, and I just try and pretend it's not. ARGH!!!

So instead of being an uplifting and positive friend, I just dump on other people. People who don't need to be dumped on, but need me to be a listening ear for them. Oh if I could take back some of those conversations. But I can't... so... like I tell myself over and over again...

MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!
(there, now maybe I will)

I've found myself on the downhill again. Oh how I hate the up's and down's. Things were so great no that long ago, why can't they just stay that way?
I seem to lose control of things, and next thing I know I lose control of my feelings. I can't lose weight, I can't keep my house clean, I can't get out of bed in the morning. It horrifies me to think that my children will have memories of the days I couldn't get out of bed. I try and make it up to them the next day or two... but it's ridiculous that I have days where my body thinks it needs 12 hours of sleep, (up to get Sophie to school) a 5 hour nap, then literally another 14 hours straight of sleep. Ridiculous!

So the next day I make myself get out of bed... and I'm sure everyone who lives with me would rather have me just stay in bed! I'm short, impatient, emotional... and I go to a place where I decide I have no friends, any the world is out to get me. Crazy, I know... but even knowing I'm crazy doesn't change it.

So my new plan...
#1- Screw the 'no caffeine' kick, if I can't drink coffee I've got to have my DDP
#2- I must try and make my treadmill my friend (to get this weight off, and to try and get me to sleep at night)
#3- keep my mouth shut! (I'm not allowed to talk to anyone for more than 5 minutes anymore!)

... at least that might get me through the week!