Sunday, April 24, 2011

The good. The bad. The ugly.

The good.
We are planning a get-away. A much needed escape from life. I have a lot to do before we go, but at least it's something to look forward to. I'm so excited for the kids. It's a complete surprise... and I know they will absolutely love it!
This weekend was very difficult, but Easter was wonderful! I love to celebrate the Resurrection of our Savior. The miraculous life he lived, and that he died for me. The ability we all have to conquer death, thanks to this selfless man... who suffered so much. What an amazing celebration!
I am grateful for amazing family who I can share things with. I was telling my girls that Heavenly Father gave us families for that reason. They are people who can help you through things, and you don't have to worry about them thinking less of you. You don't have to be embarrassed or scared... because family is there to help, or just lend a listening ear.
I seriously love my Primary class. Which doesn't seem like a huge deal... but for me it is. I decided to pray for the ability to really love each of the kids. And I can honestly say that I really do. They teach me so much... and I hope I teach them a thing or two this year.

The bad.
Mike's work is killing us. I know the end is in sight, and I know that I am grateful he has a good job that supports our family... but it's been pretty bad.
I'm not sure I've seen Mike this stressed since he was working 35 hours a week and taking 16 credit hours. I think it was 2000 or early 2001. He about lost it... breakdown, meltdown, it was a struggle. I hate seeing him go through so much, especially when I can't help him with it.
I'm tired... tired of going to bed alone. Tired of not having a partner... I miss my best friend.

The ugly.
I've been hit with something I didn't see coming... okay... really I was blindsided. As a mother... you want your children to never suffer. My daughter has been faced with a difficult trial, and while I have complete faith that things will get better... it's another thing I can't fix. I'm so thankful for good Doctor's, PCMC and the U of U. (I can say that I NEVER thought I would love the U, but I do. Not the college teams... but the incredible teams of Dr's at the U of U hospital) It is an incredible blessing to live here.
It's something personal, and hard to come to terms with. I really struggle with asking for help during things like this. I think that I'd rather get through it... and then when I can breathe again, I'll try and sift through my emotions about the whole experience.
I'm doing my best to be strong as a Mom. I can't convince my daughter that things are okay if I can't convince myself. It's one of those things that you can't always see... but it's there.
So I will buck up, be strong, and push through.

Monday, April 4, 2011


Oh heavens...
Life gets so crazy, and just when you think it can't get busier... it does.

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~Emily Dickinson

I'm trying my best to push through this 'Utah Spring', this time of year is when I hit my breaking point. I look back through the years, and it's the month of April when Mike and I have gone on almost all our warm weather trips. I probably wonder on a daily basis why I live here. Yet, I know it's not as bad as it seems... I just need a few more weeks to get through the confidence that summer will actually be a reality again.
I wonder how crazy Mike would think I am if he came home to lounge chairs, frozen drinks, the thermostat cranked up to 90 degrees, and me in a bathing suit. I would need some steel drums playing and 'ocean sounds' soundtrack. *sigh*

Mike has been traveling a lot and working from home almost everyday. I start to feel overwhelmed and bad for myself, but I feel worse for the kids. I haven't had patience, and as much as I love working again... things are taking a toll. Nights that I'm not working, Mike is at scouts or at work. Mike's new position has come with so much added stress and has practically doubled his work load. On one hand, I feel so thankful he has a job, I feel bad for complaining. I'm thankful he hasn't always traveled like this. Being home alone is not easy on me, and I don't know how some wives do it regularly.

I started lifting weights and I'm taking a 12 week 'Body for Life' challenge. I haven't been prefect, but I've been proud of my dedication in spite of circumstances. It feels good to take some of my stress out on exercising... but it's also difficult to find the energy and time to do it! But for 12 weeks... I can do 12 weeks.

Taking the time to try and focus on myself and my health always make me think about where I'm at, and why I'm not feeling good. I try to evaluate my priorities, my relationships, and how I headed down a road I'm not happy about.

I can come up with excuses all day long. I'm tired, I don't have time, or the plain and simple... I don't care. If I dig deeper I know that there are specific things that need to change. There are feelings I'm not dealing with, and there are relationships that are toxic. Sometimes it's as easy as letting go... but sometimes it's making changes that are REALLY difficult. The goal is to feel worthy of happiness and success, and surround myself with a support system that helps me achieve my goals. I have to pick apart my life and see what's holding me back... and what's an obstacle. The hard part is that sometimes I care deeply and love my obstacles, or I'm just too lazy to want to let go of some bad habits.