Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 170- And life goes on

Things have been hard lately. It feels as if life has been speeding up. I've taken back most of my motherly responsibilities... although I can't keep up. Even so, I realize that instead of needing the help of others, I'm now to the point where I need to adjust life to fit within my personal limitations.
I still fight the idea that everything has to change. I hold onto the hope that things may improve. I'm afraid if I let go of that hope I won't be able to live with the despair. I've never been good at accepting... I guess it feels more like “giving up” than anything else.
The summer flew by so fast. Physical Therapy twice a week for 3 hours a visit, took up a lot of time. Not to mention that the day following therapy I was pretty sore and worthless.
The kids were so good at taking care of each other, and trying not to complain... but I know it was a hard summer for them. They are used to having fun things planned. Summer's have always been my favorite... carefree and laid back. Unfortunately this summer will go down in the record book as the hardest summer of their childhood.
As Labor Day approaches I realized our “Pass of all Passes” will expire. We used them last fall, and once over Christmas. I'm not sure if it is worth getting them again. I paid extra for 4 tube rentals and free parking at Seven Peaks. It was a pricey purchase... but at the time felt like a deal, considering I thought we would be visiting quite often during the summer.
I'm glad we had our trip to Yellowstone, I think they enjoyed that. I've accepted the fact that regardless of my personal limitations... we will have to plan activities for them. I can find a place to wait for them, or read a book in the car.
It really hit me hard when I saw the picture of Mike and the girls at the top of Inspiration Point, above Jenny Lake in the Grand Tetons. It was a beautiful picture! That picture tells the story of our family... every summer of our lives we have these types of adventures. When I was going through the pictures at the end of our trip... I saw it and broke down! I think I cried about it for 2 days!
Is this what our future is? Family memories that I don't get to be a part of? While they were hiking this beautiful trail... I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR!!! I can't think about it.
Which leads to other concerns and fears. Mainly about my activity level and weight gain. Since February it's already become an issue, and I'm not sure I have many options. When I ride my bike, I've been instructed not to ride for too long at a time, and I can't use resistance. Which leads to the fact that I ride for 30 minutes and burn just over 100 calories. I'm more sedentary than I've ever been in my life! 
So... with all that said... I've been quite down lately. I tend to throw myself a pity party almost everyday. Sometimes it lasts the entire day.... sometimes just a couple hours. School will start... summer will be over... and life will continue. What I've learned is that the sun will rise and set everyday... regardless of what happens in my life.