Friday, March 22, 2013

What the future holds

After passing the one year mark, there are many things in life that have now officially changed. We are no longer making the adjustments in our life... it's more now like the adjustments have made us a different life.
The Dr appointments are over, Physical Therapy has done all they can for me... it is up to me to continue on my path. A total knee replacement is somewhere down this path of mine, and while I'm not anxious to go under the knife again... I know that my limitations will only increase until that day comes. I've been told 5-10 years, but optimistically 15 years if I can lose weight and take care myself.
People like to say things like "You look so great... " adding a comment about me not having a cane, or my limp is be coming less noticeable. People say "It could be so much worse!" or "At least you can walk!" I agree with all of those things... they all sound good. The truth is, I'm not happy with being disabled or limited... even if it is better than the alternative. I wish I could say that those things made everything better, but it doesn't.
I try to be positive about things on the larger scale... such as work. I can't stand. My circulation is terrible, and the nerves that have been cut give me sharp pains if I stand or sit without moving my legs. Physically, a long day at my job was already taxing on my body, so what used to be a difficult task for a healthy body is now an impossible task! After giving myself the time needed to heal, prayers, and much debate... I have decided to officially close down my business. This is difficult on many levels for me. First, it is my creative outlet. I enjoy it so very much! Second, and more importantly, this is was my career... my plan in life... what I went to night school for 2 years away from my kids for! I invested a lot of time and money into a skill/trade... that I depended on.
Sometimes I hear a voice in my head that laughs at me and says "That's what you get for making a plan!" It's as if when I think I'm in control of my life, something happens that reminds me I have no control at all! I really don't understand, because I felt very strongly that this was my journey... Less than a year before the accident I took out a small business loan to finish a salon in my basement! I put blood, sweat, and tears into finishing that salon EXACTLY the way I had dreamed it would be! I had been building my clientele at the salon I was working at two nights a week. Everything was timed just right. So it's hard to process that 6 months before my baby started school full-time, my career ends!
So I still have a Small Business Loan, and I am shutting down my business... not good.
I am serving in Young Women's, which I'm super excited about. So I am trying to prepare myself for Girls Camp in June. I know I can't 'hike', but I'm hoping to be able to at least walk to distances I need to be able to get to the lake, the challenge course, and the amphitheater on a daily basis. I have been given a daily workout, but I miss the massage and heat from Physical Therapy. I received an amazing blessing when I received this calling, so I have great faith that the Lord will help me be strong... even for that week!

We aren't "camper's", we are people who stay in a hotel... on the first floor of a hotel! We aren't "hiker's", we are people who drive around and see the sites from inside the car! We aren't "athletic", we are fans! I find myself planning things around the number of stairs there are... if there's an option, I take the elevator...
It's really really hard not to get down. It's hard not to be bitter about the changes. It's difficult to know that some of these obstacles in my path are  now permanent road blocks... and I have no other option but to go around them.
I'm working on weight loss. Which is not easy for me... given the inability to do any cardio besides biking without resistance... my weight loss is solely based on a disciplined diet. It is slow... but steady.
On a daily basis I just feel like an old person! I love Aleve. I can't handle walking on cement floors for longer than an hour. So Wal-Mart, Costco, etc. I went to Temple Square, walked from one end of City Creek to the other and I was done! After a walking on cement for a long period of time, or doing a lot of stairs, I'm usually sore for a few days. I still swell after a long day.
Household chores are also a challenge, and always will be. I have to rely more on Mike, wait for him to help with things. I can't climb ladders while holding things. Yard work will prove to be challenging... simply because I am still working on kneeling, and there is a good chance I will never kneel completely! So I can do some yard work while standing, but not much. I will have to re-think my flower beds. I need to simplify things outside in the ways I've simplified things inside. Less is more!
So what does the future hold? All I know is life is moving forward! I have to find a way to maneuver
around my roadblocks.