Saturday, March 15, 2014

I was just getting started!

The End. Wait? I was just getting started!!!

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a ride... I'm rarely in control of this ride. As soon as I think I know what's coming, or feel good about my course... I feel like someone pushes me off of a cliff and the next thing I know I'm in a nose dive that I can't seem to pull up from! Next thing I know I've crashed and burned... as I sit in my fiery and exploded state I always have the same thought... HOW DID I GET HERE???

I still can't find the balance of being true to myself and what I believe, and fitting into the mold of this crazy culture I live in. I think that the saddest (and at the same time the most hilarious) part, is that even when I'm on my best behavior I'm out of line.
I have opinions, I have feelings, I have a strong belief system, I have lived a life that has given me experiences which have molded me into the person I am today. I can't "fake it" very well, and certainly not for an extended period of time. I don't do "submissive" at all... AT ALL.
I respect honesty, and hold it higher than just about everything else. I admire people who are honest and forthcoming, people who stand firm. Even if I don't see eye-to-eye with someone, I respect these people.

I'm taking a break from life for a bit!

After my literal crash a couple years ago it took me a while to get back on my feet. I think this crash will take me a while as well.
I need to close ranks again! I get burned because I don't test the water, I don't do anything halfway. No, no... I have to jump in the deep end! I give it my all and I wear my heart on my sleeve. So when I get fired it shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, but it sure doesn't hurt any less! The problem is I don't know any other way!

It's nice to look back over the past years and read about how I got through other times similar to this one! It's just like THIS moment all over again! It's sad to read through previous posts and think... why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I learn my lesson? Hence the "time-out" I'm giving myself! And frankly, I've decided "time-out's" are okay! It's okay to "just say NO" for a while. (For some added humor to this depressing post... all the quotes I wrote are really air quotes I would make with my fingers while saying everything I just typed... I had to re-read through this last paragraph picturing myself talking... Whoa! That's a lot of air quotes!)

So I will cry, grieve, get pissed, cry some more... then I will eventually pick myself up off the floor and move on. Praying that I don't find myself here again anytime soon, praying I've learned some things and praying I've grown from this experience. That's a lot of praying!