Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 2... My brain desperately misses caffeine!!!

So it is Day 2 of this madness... whole30. There are some things that are good, and well... no... nope. I've decided that this goes into the list of things I've tried that is just stupid craziness. It's right up there with HCG my friends! I'm hoping that things look up, but I can barely type this entry with my splitting headache. I think my left eye has started twitching. Because really... how bad is Diet Dr Pepper? It will be the first thing I have on day 31, which is November 12th... not that I'm counting!
I bought 4 cases of La Croix, because I honestly thought it would curb my cravings. Here's the truth... this is how sick I am... I like "feel" of it. I like the cold metal can. I like the sound of opening the can, I have the cold can sitting next to me during the day. I even like the feeling of the cold can on my lips... but then I tip up the can and my mouth is filled with a nasty bitter taste! It is seriously disgusting!!! I cringe, swallow, and set my nice cold can back down. I honestly do this every 3-5 minutes just to mentally try and soothe myself. I have opened multiple cans and have yet to drink the entire thing! I was seriously drinking 120+ ounces of DDP a day... and I can't even finish a can of this crap. Ughhh! There... now I've cried about it... on with life!

The girls raced their Pinewood Derby cars tonight. Mike took it more seriously this year... after not finishing so hot last time. This time Addi was 5th overall and Sophie was 9th. They both came in 1st and 2nd in their different individual races. They were so cute and fun to watch! Happy girls and a proud papa!

I've been thinking about my life lately. Kinda mid-life crisis type stuff. Just trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with the next 20-30 years. I've debated working, going back to school, or both. I've thought about continuing my line of work in the beauty industry... or doing something completely different. I don't even know what I'm passionate about anymore. I feel like so much about me has changed over the past couple of years. I'm not only physically limited, but my likes and dislikes are different. So my search continues! I absolutely love my job... but I'm not sure it's sustainable. I can do it for the next 5 years... but I'm not going to be doing lashes at 45 or 50 years old!
It's not that I'm unhappy... I actually LOVE my job... truly! I just am entering a new and different stage of life. My baby is now in 4th grade. I'm not sure how it happened... but it just did. Last thing I remember she was heading to 1st grade and I was excited to finish my salon and build my clientele. Then all hell broke loose and now I wake up here.
I realize I could play the "Super Mom" game, and some days I feel like I should play that game better. I could clean my house from top to bottom, make amazing dinners, volunteer every chance I get and run with the PTA crowd... but honestly, I've tried that. It didn't make me happy. I tried to pretend, compete, smile and put on the perfect show... but that's what it felt like... a show. I've jumped through all the hoops, but I've never been good at faking anything! I'm not sure if it's age or just life, but I'm a lot less worried about pleasing others. So I'm searching... still searching...

On to Day 3. I hope that I will say that it's worth it, but for now I just dream about an ice cold 'jacked' Diet Dr Pepper in my hand. Truthfully, I dream about bathing in it! If nothing else, after 30 days... I will appreciate it more!



Sunday, October 12, 2014

Back at it

I've been reading through old posts lately... getting good doses of my own advise. I read back and think "Wow... who was that girl writing that?" It's strange to see how things have changed in my life, how life experiences can shape and re-shape a person.
Recent experiences have changed my course once again. I find myself in a strange place of re-evaluating my life... in nearly ALL aspects of my life.
I'm debating whether or not to try and catch up, or just start today and move forward. I'm thinking that looking forward would be best. I'm afraid looking back would be too painful in some aspects. I would never say that I'm thankful for the negative things that have happened, but they have brought results that have helped me grow, learn, and expand my view of the future.
I have had to put distance between some of my family members. I guess maybe they put the distance there, and I just stopped taking the abuse of being around them over and over again. It has been both healing and also enlightening. It's amazing how much clearer you can see things when you're not swimming in the thick of it. The thick of selfishness, intentional cruelty and competitiveness. Speaking of...
I've given myself some distance with church as well. Again, not at first by choice, but the opportunity has taken me out of the fog. I feel like I've been slowly dying inside without even knowing it! The negativity of others criticism and being spiritually bullied by adults with the "power" to make me feel helpless in difficult situations was killing me... I was miserable. I am trying to figure out what exactly I truly believe, and how I want to practice what I believe.
On a positive note, yoga has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time! I am taking better care of myself. I have lost quite a bit of weight this year, and I contribute it to taking a step back and realizing what I'm doing that isn't healthy for me... for my body, my spirit, and my soul. I found that some of the most damaging things in my life were people or things that should have been good for me and I was forcing myself into harmful situations out of guilt, or the feeling that I didn't have a choice. The truth is... I ALWAYS have the choice. I just have to decide that I choose ME. I choose HAPPINESS. I've learned that sometimes things are just no longer good for us, and we have to let them go. It doesn't discount the fact that they were once good... even great. However, things change... and you have to let go of things that are holding you down, or drowning you!
I've let a lot of heavy things go this year. Amazingly enough... I have felt lighter, physically and mentally. I feel better than I've felt in a very long time. I didn't know how bad it was until I started feeling better. It was very, very bad. I was in a bad place earlier this year.

So much of my life is different, and I'm not sure if it's been aftermath from the car accident, time, age, or just where I am at in life. I feel like things with family, friends, spirituality, career, education, kids... it's all changed. And although I feel like it's all changed for the better... it's so different than I expected. It's crazy that life can take you in directions you never expected.
I'm excited to get back to writing and blogging. I love taking the thoughts and feelings I have, putting it into words and getting it out. It's so therapeutic and helps me sort my craziness. Because let's be honest... no matter how much life changes... I'm still just as crazy!