sherian

San Diego and Saudi Arabia

2012-01-30T22:06:00.003-07:00

Mike made it home from his annual trip to the middle east. I can't say it gets easier... but I don't worry as much as I did the very first time he went. He said he won't be going back next year. (But that's what he said last year... so I'm not counting on it) I try not to watch shows like 24, or turn on CNN. I pretend he's in Florida.
I learn a lot about myself when he's gone for long periods of time. I realize more of my shortcomings, and surprise myself with some of my capabilities. I get scared of what my life would be like if I ever lost him. There's that thought in the back of my mind that thinks "maybe I won't see him again" or "What if something happened?... would I feel like I made the most of our time together?" I realize that I take him for granted. I also gain a great respect and appreciation for the wives and mothers who have husbands gone like that a lot. I feel blessed that he doesn't travel too much anymore.
In the month of January he was gone more than he was away... which is hard on him, but I got to go with him to San Diego for a few days before he left for Saudi. Thanks to my Mom, who came up here and stayed with the girls... I got some R & R while Mike worked. I looked at the ocean every morning I woke up and every night as the sun went down. (and multiple times during the day) The view of the Bay from our room was beautiful. Our hotel, the Omni was amazing. Funny thing... there was a club in Provo called the Omni. It was an interesting place, and I have some pretty crazy memories from there... so I had to giggle a little every time I would say it.
The minute we walked off the plane I felt the humidity as I breathed... I looked at Mike and said "THIS is the type of air I am meant to breathe!" It was an amazing 72 degrees, one day we had a little chill, but nothing like Utah.
Our hotel was incredible! We had some type of gift in our room every night. A plate of fruit and cheese, chocolate dipped strawberries, one night we came home to a bottle of nice wine. The service was great, the sheets were high thread count, and the bathroom was very modern. (I love hotel rooms that have cool bathrooms... don't know why, but I do!)
That first night Mike took me to an amazing place for Indian food in the Gaslamp District, called Masala. It was delish. I'm a little obsessed with Indian/Nepali food and culture at the moment... not sure why. (Mike's co-worker from Nepal had our entire family over for dinner recently. His wife made some incredible dishes. I was proud of my kids for trying everything... they surprisingly liked most of it. Indian and Nepali food are very similar... but Indian food tends to be spicier)
The next day Mike and I went to the USS midway. We had fun on our little self-guided tour. My Grandpa is a Sonar engineer and inventor, he spent a lot of time on submarines... I can't imagine living in such close quarters... It makes me nauseous just thinking about it! Mike couldn't stand up in any of the rooms! He took 80% of the tour bend over. I couldn't even stand up in many of the areas. The jets were really my favorite. I think we just were happy for some alone time together. We started thinking... and the last time we spent ALONE time away from the kids was our trip to Miami Beach/Mexican Cruise we took in March 2010. It kind of seems like a lifetime away. We ate dinner at a nice Piano Bar... good music and good food.
Mike had to start working the next day... so I explored the a little more. The Gaslamp was right out the front door of the hotel. There were fun shops and boutiques. Of course I made it over to Horton Plaza... the best mall.
Tuesday I took a bus up to Old Town. I heard great things about the Mormon Battalion Visitors Center... and boy did it live up to the reviews. It was incredible! The missionaries were so cute, and the history was really enlightening. Even if you are not LDS, it is a great part of Western US history! I walked up to Heritage Park and went into a really cool old church. I did a little shopping... found a Buddhist jewelry shop. I got a dorje pedant, and some OM symbol rings. The jewelry came from India, Nepal, and Tibet. I took myself to a fabulous lunch at Casa de Reyes then headed back to the hotel.
That night we went out with Mike's co-workers. I was the only spouse... but it wasn't too bad.
I spent the first day exploring the Gaslamp District, that's where we stayed... so it was easy access. It was fun, with lots of little shops and fun restaurants.
I found a PM school and scheduled an appointment with a Phase 2 student. It was fun, and nice to talk with someone who knew PM education... she did a great job!
That night Mike's event (PCMA) actually closed down Gaslamp's 5th Avenue for a party and concert! All the restaurants had free food along the street. There was an amazing ice bar with oysters. I tried so hard to get Mike to eat them... but he wouldn't. Darn allergies, I totally would have tried it! The concert was Kool and the Gang, a little too old for me, but the atmosphere was a ton of fun! I got to hold a wicked looking python, Mike doesn't like it when I do that stuff... but it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.
The next day we went home. It was an nice trip... and so good for us to spend some time together. Mike really is my best friend, and trips like these always make me look forward to growing old with him.

Cori's #12

2012-01-23T23:39:00.003-07:00

It's the strangest thing... I can say that I gave birth to her, then turned around the other day and saw this beautiful young lady!
I'm so proud of that little muffin. She has always been an incredible person, I knew she was special from the minute I held her in my arms. I love that she was born such an old soul. I know that she was sent to me to teach me so much... and I have honestly tried so hard not to dim her light. There is so much of Mike in her... so logical and smart. She has such a warm and loving heart and is so caring and thoughtful of others. She's never been one to have a set circle of friends, and always wants to include everyone. She is such a good example for her sisters... and for me!
I decided when the girls were little that I would only give them a 'friends' party every few years... on big milestone years. I thought that 5, 8, 12, and 16 would be great years to have the big parties. I didn't think through their age differences, or I might have realized that Cori would turn 12 three days before Addi turned 8. Oops!
When Cori wanted to invite the entire 6th grade over for a party, and I about choked! I thought about it, and knew that logistically there was no way we could accommodate something like that in our house. That kind of party would involve another venue. So after some thought I told her that we could probably do her school class. She was so excited!
As I thought more about it I got nervous. I made her invites and she passed them out. Two days before the party I asked her to ask her classmates if they were coming so I could get an idea of how many kids we would have. She came home and said that EVERYONE she asked was coming! Whoa... okay, there's no turning back at that point!
My AMAZING bro-in-law agreed to come and sing. I thought the kids would have a blast with him. He is so talented!
So I ordered 8 pizzas, got 4 Costco bags of chips, Swedish fish, M&M's, and filled our giant cooler with ice and 48 cans of soda. I made a towering pyramid with ding-dongs and put candles on top! We set up the Wii downstairs, PS2 upstairs, and had our game table upstairs. The kids ended up playing group games altogether... human knot, lap game, wink-em, telephone, telephone charades and our favorite...mafia. Kyle came and rocked the house with some Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, One Republic, and Tom Petty. The girls adored Kyle... swooning. By the end of the night they were playing 'truth or dare' and just decided to tell each other their 'crushes'. It was hilarious!

A few eye opening surprises for me...

#1 The amount of kids at the party with cell phones... and how frequently they use them... and how late they used them! (who are you texting at 11:30pm?)

#2 How open they were... boys and girls... about who they liked or had 'crushes' on. One boy started the telephone game with "So-and-so is the most beautiful girl in the world" I was like REALLY? I don't remember a boy being that bold about his feelings until High School!

#3 The click of girls (whom I affectionately call 'plastics' because of one of my favorite movies) They all have phones, they all have boobs, they all look about 16! I found out they text each other in the morning and decide what to wear... in 6th grade! Wowza!
(The funny thing was that I was torn between wanting my daughter to be accepted by those girls, and so glad that my daughter wasn't like those girls. Totally my own issues surfacing!)

Needless to say... It was a really fun night! Cori had a blast, the kids were so fun... and I learned a thing or two about how much things have changed since I was in 6th grade.

Fancy Addi turns 8

2012-01-19T00:21:00.001-07:00

Addi turned 8 and had a fabulous 'Fancy Nancy' Party. (I am still finding feathers around the house from those stinkin' boas!)
No, it was a super fun celebration of Addi in all her dramatic glory!

For lack of a better description... it looked like the tooth fairy threw up in my house. Everything was fluffy, frilly, pink and purple. There were balloons, beaded necklaces, rings, bracelets, pearls, diamonds, boas, crowns, cupcakes... and fancy glasses with sparkling cider!

The girls all came dressed up, and when they got here I handed out a bunch more costume jewelry. There were pearl necklaces hanging from the chandelier. We had so many little treats, fun games, presents, and toasts! (Yes, we sang Happy Birthday to Addi and toasted our plastic fluted glasses filled with bubbly)

There was one little girl who was cracking me up! She said "Oh! Oh! I have never toasted before!" She was so excited, she toasted with everyone at the table. Afterward she said "How come they don't 'clink' when we toast" I told her it was because they were plastic... not glass. She said "Well... I will just say 'clink' when I toast" Then she proceeded to again toast everyone at the table! She accidentally spilled and started giggling so hard, it looked as if there was more than cider in her glass! As I filled her glass up I leaned in and whispered "Make sure it get's in your mouth this time" She busted up laughing! She was laughing so hard she couldn't drink it!

Addi was in heaven! It was so fun to watch her... and she just couldn't believe that "all of them came! Mom! All of them came!"

One of my favorite moments, was when I was in the kitchen making petite PB&J sandwiches... Addi is leading the girls in a game of 'Nancy Says' (Simon Says). I hear Addi saying the typical game commands... "Nancy says... touch your toes" "Nancy says... clap your hands" The next thing I know I hear "Nancy says... say "I'm SOOOO beautiful" and a choir of girls chime "I'm SOOOO beautiful!" Then I hear "Nancy says... say "I'm jealous!" and again, the girls altogether "I'm jealous!" I quickly rushed over and saved the game with running, stomping, shaking booties, wiggling fingers, and flapping wings. (I'm jealous??? It was too funny)

The girls guessed how many candies were in the glass jars filled with M&M's, licorice, Hershey kisses, and more. It was funny the range of guesses... and one little girl won almost every game and guessed closest on almost every candy jar! It was funny because she is such a shy and quiet girl... doesn't like attention.

Addi, being the drama queen she is, thanked me over and over, she must have said ten times "Mom, this was the best Birthday party EVER!" It really was fun!

I'm excited for her baptism in a few weeks. She is so happy, and looking forward to it. Oh... and she got her ears pierced! Craziest thing... she actually wanted them pierced. She even picked out some cute little pearls to wear on her baptism. Cute girlie!

2012... moving forward and looking back

2012-01-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've tried to challenge my myself with a few things this year. Ironically... not new things, things that I have fallen away from and want them back! One of those things is blogging.
I picked up the book I had printed of my first year and a half of blogging. It was so great to see pictures and read through the events happening, and emotions I had. It was kind of strange, in that much of what I read sounded foreign... like it was written by someone else. I think that I've missed myself. I didn't realize how much I've changed, or just maybe how 'out of touch' I am with myself.
It was something that happened slowly... along with other things. I fell off track with taking care of myself physically. This month marks one year of working from home. It's been a love/hate relationship... in all aspects. I didn't realize how much it would change my life to begin working more hours a week. The things sacrificed for this change have not always been good.
So my goals this year are focused forward... but for the first time, my goals are also strangely focused on getting back to some things I seem to have let slip away.
As in years past, my yearly goals are based from Luke 2:52 improving my life "in wisdom, stature, and in favour with God and man"

To increase my wisdom:

Blog.
Not that writing about myself makes me smarter... but writing in general is good for me. I want to get back to tracking my life and creating a journal for myself and a family history for my children.

To increase stature (physical goals):

Weight loss.
Not that I need to 'increase' my stature... but I need to better it. Sadly... this is my physical goal every year.

To increase favour with God (spiritual goals):

Sacrament meeting attendance.
For me... but mostly my children. The jump from 1pm to 9am might be the death of me... but I need to grow up about it. Quickly! I know I will better fulfill my calling as well. I love working with kiddos, and I know that after a great year with my Primary class last year... I can make this year even better!

I'm not feeling as ambitious as years past with two goals in each category, I figure that by making one goal I might be able to focus a little better.
I have a lot of catching up to do with blogging. I have a lot of exercising and counting calories to do... and I've got to start getting to bed really early Saturday nights! Honestly the tasks seems daunting right now... but if I want to make it happen I can. After all... nothing in this world worth having comes easy. (Sure wish it did!)

Tis' the season to be jolly

2011-11-27T09:38:00.001-07:00

This is the conversation we had in the car on the way to my Mom's. The girls spent the night Friday... they made gingerbread houses, worked on their Christmas play, and had a ton of fun!

Me: Please, be on your best behavior. Give Grandma lots of help and do everything she asks of you!
All the girls: Don't worry Mom!
Addi: ... and Mom? I promise we won't burp. Grandma HATES it when we burp!
Me: (I'm trying not to laugh)
Addi: ... hey Mom?
Me: yes?
Addi: Is that why you burp so much? Because you couldn't when you were little?

That's when the laughter could no longer be contained!

Communication

2011-10-14T09:37:00.001-06:00

So I think that after 32 years of trying to communicate I've actually learned (actually applied) a few things...

First... don't give anything much credit if it's not given to you from the source.

Second... don't ever let others communicate for you... or expect them to.

and the most important...
If you want to know something? Ask that person.

Life is good for me in the communication area, if only for a moment. I'm not sure I've ever been this happy about some of my relationships... and it all really boils down to communication!

The San Francisco Treat... ding, ding!

2011-10-11T13:25:00.003-06:00

We decided to accompany Mike on an event... like Orlando, just blessed with an opportunity to play while Mike works.
Mike left on a Wednesday, and I worked the rest of the week and planned on leaving Saturday morning. Well... Friday night came and I knew that it just wasn't going to happen.
I had a cement walking path poured to the studio, and the aftermath is still messy. It messed up the grade of my flowerbeds... so I needed to build some sort of wall to hold back the dirt. I knew I had to do it before I left, or it would rain and I would have a major problem when I got home. So Saturday, I bucked up and build a wall. Of course I care much more about aesthetics rather than quality, so we'll see how it holds up!
I left Sunday morning... got all the way to Stansbury and couldn't keep my eyes open! I pulled off and decided if I could just get a quick power nap, I'd be fine. Mike called and woke me up... I had been asleep for an HOUR! When I told him what I was doing he immediately said "GO HOME!" I thought about it... and decided he was right.
I drove home and slept from noon to 8pm. The girls were so good to babysit and kept quiet. They cooked dinner and kept the house clean. When I woke up at 8pm, I re-loaded the van and took off!
I drove straight through... almost ran out of gas on Donner Pass at 3am... not my smartest move of the night! We got to Sacramento and I pulled off to take a quick nap. Then we went to breakfast and got to our apartment in downtown SF.
Day 1- (which was a continuance of the longest day ever!) I unloaded the van and got settled. Our apartment was incredible! When we travel I will tell Mike "I lived like this in another life". There are two scenarios I see myself in... if I hadn't chosen the life I did. This downtown city life is one of them! (backpacking across the world and staying in hostels is the other)
We rode the municipal bus to Ghirardelli Square. There was a slight drizzle outside... so a cup of hot cocoa hit the spot!
Then we walked to Pier 39 and explored Fisherman's wharf. We saw the sea lions, the submarine, and ship. We went to the visitor's center and learned the history of the city. It was very good.
Then it started raining... so we went to a restaurant on the end of the pier. The girls had bowls of clam chowder. (not me)
We took the bus home... stopped at Safeway and grabbed groceries for the week. We were quite the sight on the bus. Four kids and groceries? Yes... we were a circus.
Day 2- We went to the Golden Gate Bridge. The girls were such troopers! As we got out farther on the bridge the wind really got strong! We walked the 1.4 miles across... then the 1.4 miles back. As we were walking the girls would periodically stop to look over the side. Cori said "LOOK! Mom... dolphins!!" Sure enough a huge pod of dolphins were making their way through the bay and under the bridge. We saw about 20-25. Lexi looked down at them and said "Those aren't dolphins!! They are only THIS big!" as she held up her fingers measuring about 3 inches. I couldn't help but laugh, "Lex... we are very high up above the water" She then said "yeah... but not THAT high." She's starting to pull attitude... I know it's the age. But I've noticed that she doesn't think I know what I'm talking about most the time.
After the bridge, we went to Chinatown. It fascinated the girls! We saw some interesting things... we found a city playground and they loved it!
Day 3- I wanted the girls to ride a cable car, but I still think I like them more than anything! We took the cable car to Lombard Street. The girls walked down the famous steep street. Then we walked to the wharf and got some lunch.
Mike's boss invited us to come to dinner that night with the Company. They were celebrating the success of the event... and it was great to see the relief and happiness. I know that there was so much hard work and stress leading up to the event. This was the biggest event they had ever done.
I took the kids to the Moscone Center... all they wanted to do was ride the big escalator. Then we went to dinner.
Halfway through dinner Mike's boss came over to chat with us. He was talking to the kids and he told them how "smart your Dad is, and he is very important" Addi said "I know he is!" It was a laugh!
On a side note... fancy SF restaurants aren't used to having customers under 18 years old. It was rather difficult to get quesadillas and carne asada tacos. It really wasn't a difficult but dividing it into 4 plates was like pulling teeth! I'm not sure the servers understood the concept of division, it was strange! But the kids loved their quarter of a $20 quesadilla!
Day 4- Mike was able to join us... so we went over to Alcatraz. The older two were definitely fascinated by the prison and it's prisoners. I think an island of birds was not Mike's idea of a good afternoon. While we were there the Blue Angels had a show over the bay... so we had front row seats to a spectacular sight... not to mention SUPER loud!

Friday morning we drove home. It seemed like a much shorter drive on the way back. I don't know if it's because I wasn't alone... perhaps because I wasn't driving! The interesting thing was while the kids got a great education and exposure to culture... I think we were more of a novelty to the natives! People either thought we were the cutest thing ever... and complimented us up and down... OR, they were disgusted by us... and saw me as a 'breeder'. I figure to each their own!
Hopefully life will settle down for a while. I love my kidlets, but they need to go to school... and I need to do some laundry!

Keeping up!

2011-09-26T11:29:00.003-06:00

So little time... so few blogs.
The summer (and fall) of 2011 can go down in our family history as one of the busiest ever. In my efforts to try and make family memories... I think I've overdone it. That is my tendency... go big or go home!
I think that knowing my kids are all officially gone to school this year has sent me into a type of race against time. It's as if I feel time ticking away, almost a kind of countdown. For many years I felt like I was just getting through... diapers, feeding, trying to sleep... I just looked forward getting through each week. Now I'm ready to hit the pause button!
I'm not sure if I can play "catch up" with recent events, but I sure will try!

The girls started school. Yes, that means all of them are now gone... crazy! Surprisingly things haven't been much different though. I still feel super busy, I'm just not dragging little people around with me all day. I'm working more hours, and I can't keep the house clean or the laundry done! So not much has changed really.
Cori is in 6th grade... she loves her teacher and is really enjoying 'ruling the school'. I'm hoping she has some educational growth during the year, but he sure is having fun!
Lexi's in 5th grade and has a really good friend in her class. She also loves her teacher and is having fun being an older kids at the school.
Addi's 2nd grade teacher happened to leave after the second week of school, so she's got her second teacher of the year already. She is happy as ever, and loves school.
Sophie is in Mrs. J's 1st grade. I love her teacher, so I have a peace of mind knowing she will have a good year and she is doing well with being there all day everyday of the week.

Most recently we drove to TX to visit our good friends and go see BYU play Oklahoma. It was 22 hours driving each way... we stopped in Albuquerque, NM and spent the night both there and back.
It was a super long drive, but a ton of fun. On the way down... day 2 we stopped and took pictures aong the historic route 66. There was an old car museum and a town that was just like a little 'radiator springs' from Cars.
We also stopped outside of Amarillo, TX at 'Cadillac Ranch' and got our graffiti on! The girls thought it was crazy to spray paint cars... it was surprisingly liberating. It was fun... I'd love to meet the artist who thought of that! Genius.
We finally arrived in TX late Friday night. Our friends were kind enough to put us up in high style! It was so great to see them... they have four daughters, so our families mesh famously! The next morning we slept in and got ready to drive to Austin for the game. We had some fabulous TX bbq and had a blast at the game. It would have been even better if the Cougars had won... but oh well. The stadium was great and the game atmosphere was fantastic! After the game we had tasty Tex-Mex and drove home.
Sunday we had an adventure... thought we were spending the afternoon at church and ended up in the ER. Sophie had eaten a pecan with her breakfast. She was having a reaction and I thought some Benadryl would fix it. Needless-to-say... we went to the ER and now I have to keep an Epipen at all times!
Monday my dear friend Linds took me to buy my first pair of real cowboy boots... and we headed home. Cori and I got super sick from some chinese food on the way home... but we made it back.
It was a great trip!... with44 hours in the car, awesome TX food, fun southern people, a bit of a sad football game, and the most amazing friends!

Summer Lovin'

2011-08-09T11:16:00.002-06:00

So crazy busy!!!!
I've decided that I will take the opportunity to catch up on my blog after the kids go back to school. Especially since I'm a little excited to have the time to do things like that during the day.

It's no secret that Summer is my favorite time of the year. This year has been exceptionally great... and exceptionally busy! We have gone to Bear Lake (family reunion), Idaho (family reunion), Lava Hot Springs, 7 peaks... and still are fitting in a camping trip down to Escalante. Not to mention the overhaul of our backyard... which has kept the kids inside more than usual.

It's also the first Summer I have worked... it's been harder than I expected. I was realizing that since I started working in January, I have not had any projects! I feel more tired than I did before, but I'm getting used to it. I really enjoy working, and I know that in a couple weeks when the kids go back to school, it will get a whole lot easier to work during the day!

I have always loved having the girls home, and this year is no exception! I wish Summer was just a couple months longer. It flew by, and I'm not looking forward to sending them off the school again. It really feels like they just got out of school! But I know they are excited to get back to friends and learning fun.

It ain't about the money

2011-06-23T13:00:00.008-06:00

We had to sit down and plan out Mike's time off for the rest of the year. We've planned a few family trips, and I'm excited to have something to look forward to. But dang it get's expensive!

My Sis-in-law called me last night, and asked me about going on a trip. We touched a little on priorities. It was so nice to talk with someone who... without judgment or details... views things similar to the way I do.
I really do HATE talking about finances... or even more, when other people like to talk about their finances. There's nothing worse than people who won't shut-up about what they think is the best way to spend or save money. Seriously.

One of the big things we decided early regarding saving vs spending was about vacations. We have decided over the years to prioritize our relationship, and by doing so, spending quite a bit of time together... without our kids. (Gasp! Horrible parents!) But I have LOVED it, and I really see it as an investment in our marriage. And as far as investments go... I personally feel like that particular investment gives me the greatest return!
Some people plan on doing those things after their kids are gone, or when they retire... but I think that by then you never know what might keep you from all the dreams you've put off. Plus, physically... who knows? I also think my perspective is because Mike's parents both died young, before all their kids were grown. My Mom is single and my sister will go to college next year and she doesn't have a spouse to enjoy that time.
Not to mention, I want to always be 'in love' with Mike like I am now. I want him to know he is the most important thing to me, and I want to excitedly look forward to a time when it is just him and I. I love my kids... but Mike is my eternal companion... and someday my kids will find their own eternal companions, and I hope to set an example for them to put their spouses at the top of their priority list.

With all that said, I do feel we've taken plenty of time alone so we are taking the next 4-5 years and going on adventures with the kidlets. Mike and I will have to sneak time in between... but I'm excited to make the 'investment' in family memories and time together. I'm so happy for my in-law's, and glad they are going on a trip together!

I once heard a quote that said something like "The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money." And I'm happy to say that if my home, money, and material wealth were taken from me... I'd have no regrets. I treasure the places we've gone and the memories we've made. I'm excited to make memories with the kids over the next few years.
I really admire people who save lots of money, and people who manage finances well... but I think that my Step-dad ruined my idea of being 'frugal'. I guess not 'frugal'... but maybe 'cheap'. That man will die with a butt-load of money in the bank. But his life sure has sucked! As far as relationships and memories go... no amount of money will replace what he has lost in his life.

They say that happiness is a journey, not a destination. It's important to set goals... and it's important to reach those goals. I think you can still be smart with your money and plan for the future... but what's the point of any destination if you're not enjoying the journey?

Summertime happenings

2011-06-21T12:23:00.001-06:00

The pass of all passes...

(Sophie and Cori on opposite sides)

(Addi... holding on for dear life. Lexi... hand's up and laughing. Sophie... hand's up and a big smile!)
I decided that a weekly activity would put these passes to good use.... so Monday it is! We spent 4 hours at Liberty Land. The girls rode the bumper boats (twice)
Funny story... Sophie was really getting into shooting the water, but she struggled steering and shooting at the same time. Her boat turned towards the people watching, and she sprayed a stream of water near the people waiting at the entrance. This lady literally yelled at Sophie "Stop it! You are NOT supposed to shoot the water over here!"... seriously screamed it. Then she looked at me and mumbled "... well that's what they told us..." I just smiled extra big. I didn't see the need to say anything, she yelled at Sophie already... loud enough for the both of us. I think she wanted me to say sorry... but I didn't... because I wasn't! She looked like a few streams of water might do her some good. Maybe chill her out a bit.

They rode the carousel, the airplanes... and we played a round of miniature golf. Then they climbed the rock wall, rode the frog ride (a million times in a row), did the bumper boats again, climbed the wall again... and we ended with a game of laser tag. It was a lot of fun. I love spending time with my kids. Now other kid's... I'm not so fond of.
Funny Story... The girls were waiting in line to climb the rock wall and a couple teeagers cut in front of Cori. She turned around and looked at me like she was going to cry. I said "tell them they can't do that!" Cori said she couldn't. I said "Well I'll tell them..." and Cori grabbed my arm, "No Mom! Don't make a big deal!" So I looked at her and said "Fine, then don't complain about it to me if you aren't willing to do anything about it." I could see the internal debate. Do I make a big deal about it? or do I just let it go? She looked at me and said "It's not a big deal." Alrighty then.
Not more than 30 seconds later another girl just casually walked towards the line. I think she was just looking at what the line was for. Cori got right up to her, "The back of the line is over there!" and pointed. My eyes got wide with surprise... surprised by Cori's behavior mostly. She looked at me and covered her mouth. "I bit her head off, huh?" I said "Yeah... but it's okay."
I don't think she'll let anyone cut in front of her anymore! Too funny!

(Cori, Lexi, and Sophie)...

It got pretty crowded as we were leaving. I felt like I left with a nervous twitch. You know, the kind of tick when my nerves are shot and I'm seconds away from screaming just to see if I can hear it! It was so loud! We had a great time though.

Later that night we had a bbq with one of Mike's mission companions. It was so good to see him and his cute family. He served with Mike and my Bro-in-law, so they all have some funny stories. I love how much they all enjoyed their missions, the people they served, and the other missionaries. It's so fun!

I've been busy working, things have really picked up. I'm booked 3 weeks out, and it's fun to be building a regular clientele. I'm finally getting better at re-stocking supplies and knowing what I need and what I don't need. It will still take some time, but I'm getting there.
It feels so great to work! I have always loved working... but to be able to do what I love and get paid, not to mention do it at my house! I can't think of anything better.

I am getting a cement walkway poured from my studio to the front of my house. They are also pouring a big pad in the backyard as well. We have started the process of fixing the retaining wall and fence. It will be a messy and pricey summer. But I can't wait to get it over with and get that much closer to our goals with the backyard!
I figure that it will take at least one more year to get things where I want them. It's only been 5 years!... the first year we moved in it was August, so we waited... year two we did basic sprinklers and grass, the wall and fence... year three was the trampoline area, flowers and gardening... last year was the basement doors and studio doors... now this year cement and fixes. Bleh! I always joke that it will be done when the kids move out. Now I'm convinced there is no such thing as 'done'.

Daddy Day

2011-06-20T14:35:00.002-06:00

Mike came home later Saturday from Scout Camp. He was so sweet to take a super quick shower and then drive with me to the last two Parade of Homes down South. Man it was far! Woodland Hills and Mapleton. We barely made it in time, but got them both in!
Then we went to dinner at Gloria's in Provo. The accordion player was playing Italian songs, it was dusk, the restaurant was buzzing... I took a bite of Gnocchi and closed my eyes. I had my hands of my eyes and said to Mike "I feel like I'm in Italy! Try this!"
It will be three years this summer since our trip to Italy and the more time passes, the more I think I want to go back someday. But I think I might just go to Florence. *sigh*
Sunday was Father's Day. I'm happy that this Holiday can now be a bright spot in my year... and not a Sunday I dread and skip church.
Mike is such a great Dad! I love watching him with our girls... he loves them so much! I'm glad he's such a good example to them, and know when the time comes... they will have a bar set pretty high when they are husband-shopping.
I love that he's real... what you see is what you get. He doesn't put on a show for anyone. He honors his priesthood and is a great leader. He's just a really, really good person.
I'm so proud of how hard he works for our family, how much he has done in his career. He never talks about his successes, he is so humble. I feel so blessed and taken care of. He is the hardest-working person I know.
But I love that he works hard, and plays hard. He is so fun to hang out with. He is the best traveling partner... I never worry about getting robbed or mugged. We never get bothered, just asked how tall he is, or what size his feet are. People just nod and point... or I get asked if he is my bodyguard. "Why yes! He sure is!"

Funny story... Mike's size 16 feet don't fit inside the blue booties they want you to wear at the Parade of Homes. Most everyone looked at his feet and told him he could just wear his socks. (Which by-the-way are SO much cleaner than those booties!) There was just a couple houses that made him wear the booties. So he had to take off his shoes still, because there was no way to even get his shoe through the opening of the bootie. He then would stretch this thing over his foot... and kind of curl up his toes. I had to try SO hard not to laugh... because he was so frustrated! They just didn't fit, and there wasn't anyway to make them fit! Poor guy.

I just love him. I don't believe in luck, just blessings and Karma.... so I can't say I feel lucky... I feel SO blessed to have him in my life. We are blessed to call him 'Daddy'!
For Father's Day he got a new tent. We set it up in the living room... don't ask how... and surprised him with it! 14X12 and he can almost stand up in it! We are all excited to put it to good use.

Places to go, things to do, people to see!

2011-06-15T23:05:00.000-06:00

Yard work... bleh! It is a never-ending battle. Curse those weeds... which can grow so fast and huge. Curse the plants and flowers... which die no matter how much I take care of them!
I go to the nursery and drop loads of money, then come home and spend all my time and energy getting it planted. Why would someone pay so much to work so hard! Oh how I need a magic wand.

I had my sister and her family over for dinner Monday. It was so wonderful! She's got a great husband and an adorable little girl. It was so nice to see her and visit. We haven't always had the strongest relationship, so I have loved feeling close with her again.
My girls are in love with babies now. Cori can't wait to babysit... and Sophie thinks it's cute when a baby pulls her hair!

Mike left for Scout Camp this morning. He's lucky to have awesome leaders going with him this year... he always has a great time, and I'm happy he can get his testosterone fix. He has had the most amazing boys in our ward. They are such good kids!
The girls and I party pretty hard while he's away. 'Girl's Nights' we call them... and it's always fun for me to catch up on all the latest chick flicks.

I've been walking in the mornings... seriously. I think we've gone everyday this week, and I want to say we did at least three mornings last week. Wahoo! It is so nice to have a good friend to walk and talk with. I love her!... just sayin'
We are setting goals together and celebrating victories together. I'm so glad to have someone to do it with!

My Primary class came over today for a party. I teach the CTR 7 class... I have 8 kids and a sweet summer visitor from Alabama. They earn points every week for bringing their scriptures and participating in class, then whoever is the most reverent earns the 'reverent point' that Sunday. It's worked well, and I promised them a party when they hit 100 points... they hit it really fast!
I must admit I was nervous. They are good kids, but I wasn't sure I could keep them all entertained for 3 hours. We had pizza, played Mario Kart, watched 'Despicable Me', ran through sprinklers, and jumped on the trampoline. It was great!
I LOVE my Primary kids... even the challenging ones. I prayed really hard at the beginning of the year to be able to love ALL of the kids I would have in my class. Last year was a bit of a struggle for me... and I knew that the Lord would help and bless me if I sincerely asked for my heart to be softened. Well, it worked! I feel blessed because they really are the best class!

On a sad note... a friend of mine is moving far away. It is breaking my heart, because we only became friends a little bit ago. I worked with her husband in the nursery, and she was one of Cori's leaders... but our paths just never crossed.
I haven't had many friends in this ward... shocker! I just haven't felt that I fit in. I was burned pretty badly by some people I was close to, then just pushed everyone away. I can't do drama, so I've tried to remove myself from situations where I get in trouble. Although I still find myself in trouble way too often.
So I remember hearing this person's amazing testimony and she talked like a REAL person. So refreshing! I thought "I could totally get along with her!". She recently told me that when she was helping in nursery, I was singing the snowman song and when I got completely flat on the floor she thought "Oh! I could be friends with her!"
So sadly it took us two years to find each other... and as soon as we did, her husband got a new job and life got complicated. While I'm so happy (and quite frankly jealous) that she gets to have new adventures, I'm so sad to lose her.
I will miss her amazing testimony... which she somehow shares in subtle and somehow powerful little ways. I'll miss her great example of honesty and humbleness. She is hard-working, a loving wife, a sacrificing Mom... and a dang good friend! I know the impact she has made on me will last my entire life... she'll never know how much I treasure our short time together.
I will admit that she has given me hope... hope that there are other hidden friendships I just need to explore. Who knows what I've been missing?!

Don't rain on my parade!

2011-06-14T10:12:00.000-06:00

So I have been going to the Parade of Homes for many years. I used to go with my sister and she decided she wouldn't go with me anymore (she said it depressed her) so the past few years I've gone with Mike. I wasn't sure if she would like it... but he LOVES it almost as much as me! It's always a week or two before my birthday... so I either get tickets for Mother's Day or my birthday. I la-la-LOVE every bit of it. Even the things that are not my taste, or things I wouldn't do... I still love the creativity and truly respect the forward thinking it takes to come up with things that are new or different.
It makes for awesome date nights, and it's funny to see the things we agree are nice... and the things we disagree on.
This year did not disappoint. I'm in love with all the blues and greens. I adore subway art, glass tile back-splashes, double fans in the workout rooms, and the big family rooms centered around games, movies, and fun!
So here are some of my favorite things this year...

We are going to start our basement and Theater Room this next Spring, so I really took inspiration from some of these kitchens and basement kitchenettes... basements have come such a long way!

I can do this to my Kitchen Island!

I think that this is the 'plantation shutter' solution over my sliding door!

My favorite offices...

My favorite colors...

And the overall winner is...
Basically I see it like this... Anybody can create their favorite things about these home on a smaller scale. Even if it's just duplicating the color pallette! I love to spray paint, hot glue, sew stuff I find from Garage Sales, DI... or stuff I already have that just need a face lift!
I have enough projects and ideas of projects to last 5 years!... or at least until the Parade of Homes next year. I could totally wrap the corner of my walls with faux columns... LOVE the dark wood!
Huge shout out to ALL the homes this year... you fed my creativity and inspired me!

blah, blah, blah

2011-06-12T11:32:00.004-06:00

I'm just going to try and keep up at this point! I can always go back an elaborate... but for now I'm just making a goal to write more often.

Summer is so freakin' AWESOME! I absolutely love having my kidlets home... it's the best. They are doing pretty well with chores so far. Lexi is continuing her math program through the summer so we set up incentives to help her with daily homework. (Especially since nobody else in the family has any)

Mike and I have been going to the Parade of Homes these past couple weeks. I get so excited to come home and get creative about changing things. I'm getting really excited to start on the basement!... someday.

Wednesday I put in 6 hours of yard work... Thursday 8 hours... and Friday 2 more hours. I wish I could say that all those hours actually added up to much... but there is so many things still to be done. I slacked off last Summer and by the f=Fall I just left it all to deal with in the Spring. Well, then we didn't really have Spring and now I am seriously paying the price! We are starting the demolition of the back wall. If we wait much longer the retaining wall will collapse and we will have a major mess on our hands. SO we are taking down the fence, securing the wall, building it up, laying the grass again, and putting a stronger fence back up. Bugger of a project!
I got a bid for my cement walkway back to my Studio. We will have to wait on the backyard fence project to start on the cement walkway and back patio... we I have a lot of work ahead of me. Maybe I'll get a good tan this Summer as my payoff.

I have to say that I'm not looking forward to much else. We do some family trips, and I can't wait to get out camping. But... extended family crap on my side has made it difficult to get excited about much. Last year there was a fiasco at Bear Lake, and things have just been super negetive and (quite frankly) not the best. On the other hand... we have done a ton with Mike's family this past bit, and it is always awesome. No drama, no competitions, no 'one-up' people... just relaxing fun. I'm excited to plan trips to the sand dunes!
It's just funny how things can change. We used to get together with my family all the time! We hardly saw Mike's family, we just didn't feel like we fit in. Now... we don't fit in much with my family and it's better to be with Mike's family! Who would have thought? I sure never did!

Addi and Sophie were in a dance camp this past week and got to ride a float in the city parade yesterday! Addi LOVES to dance, and this is the very first dance of any sort my kids have been in. I feel bad that I haven't been able to encourage it... but once again, my fears were justified! The older dance group teaching the kids performed on Friday with the kids. They were amazing dancers... very talented! But the outfit and some of those moves they had going... I just can't encourage it. I looked at Mike and said. "Do you want our 16 year-old dancing like that in front of everyone?" That would be a Hell-to-the-NO!!! I'm sorry, but I just can't.
On a side note, Sophie almost beat up another little girl when she got tagged in their game. Now THAT kid needs to be playing a sport! She's got some major aggression to get out.
Their float was adorable! It was so fun to watch them. And can I just say that I LOVE the city we live in?... the parade started at 10am! I was just looking around at our community and the High School and I feel so blessed to be able to raise my kids here. I know that this was the right move for our family. (Even though we still get crap for it... yes, still.) This is where we are meant to be.

Swimming through the Roller Coaster

2011-06-05T08:22:00.004-06:00

just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep swimming swimming swimming,
what do we do we swim swim swim...

You know how life is compared to a roller coaster with it's up's and down's... It feel like lately my life has been a roller coaster, but a coaster stuck in high speed's of 100+ mph.
I'm not even sure what I've blogged about and what I haven't. Since I don't even have time to write, I sure don't have time to go back an read... so here we go.

Addi has been through a medical nightmare. She landed in Primary's ER, missed a bunch of school, and has to have surgery in a few weeks. Hopefully she will recover quickly and never have to revisit this nightmare! She has been a real trooper.

Mike went on a 'guy's trip' to Moab and got hurt on his dirt bike. I received a call on Friday and left around 10pm to drive down there and pick him up. I got there about 1:30am and turned around to drive straight back home. Mike and Amanda came with me so I wouldn't fall asleep. LOVE THEM! Mike (BIL) is one of my favorite people. We chatted the whole way down and back. They really saved me that night! Needless to say, my Mike cracked his sternum and injured his arm a bit. He was thankfully wearing his chest protector... which is ended up cracked and busted up. I'm just so happy it wasn't his chest that ended up that busted up. He's been in a lot of pain, but has pushed through a lot this past week. I realized just how much I like having a big strong husband when he couldn't lift anything or reach anything! I depend in him more than I know!

I've been working like CRAZY! It's a good thing, but I just never seem to have enough time to work and get my housework done. I'm going to need some adjusting... I thought for sure I'd have it figured out by now... but I don't. Shocker.

There was Teacher Appreciation Week... which will eventually have it's own post. Andthen there was a crazy class party. *sigh* I tried to do what was asked of me... it was all I could do to bite my tongue and 'go with the flow'. I ran into the bathroom and puked right before the kids showed up! I puked so hard it splashed back up on my shirt!!! DISGUSTING!!! I felt horrible and no patience to deal with an incompetent person who I wanted to strangle. This quote kept playing over and over in my head... "Lack of preparation on YOUR part does not necessitate an emergency on MY part!"... especially when I'm running a fever and have vomit splattered all over me!

Memorial Day was great! We spent it with Mike's family, and had a wonderful time visiting and had our annual Mi Ranchito's lunch. Loved it!

I went to a wedding up in Bountiful on May 27th. My cousin Steven's wedding! Well, techincally he's my ex-step dad's, half-brother's, son. He and his family were the cousins we were closest to growing up. Ther are some of my most favorite people in the world! It was so awesome to see them all. I love temple weddings, it's a good reminder of how blessed I am in my own marriage and the blessings we receive in having an eternal family.

I had 'bridal hair' last Friday for another cousin... Kara. She is an amazing and beautiful girl! I love her and loved being a part of her special day! (pics will come)

School also got out last Friday. Oh how I LA-LA-LOVE summer!! Sleeping in, sunshine, days at the lake, Popsicles, late-over's, no bedtime... pretty much I love the weather and the lack of structure in my life! I'm such a happier and better person from June to September!

We had a Garage Sale the next Saturday morning (yesterday)... made a little over $400. Not to mention, cleaned out the basement. Halle-freakin-lujah!!! And it's only taken me 10 years!

Whew... that's all I can think of for now. I have got to write more often so I can keep better track of life.

The good. The bad. The ugly.

2011-04-24T23:25:00.004-06:00

The good.
We are planning a get-away. A much needed escape from life. I have a lot to do before we go, but at least it's something to look forward to. I'm so excited for the kids. It's a complete surprise... and I know they will absolutely love it!
This weekend was very difficult, but Easter was wonderful! I love to celebrate the Resurrection of our Savior. The miraculous life he lived, and that he died for me. The ability we all have to conquer death, thanks to this selfless man... who suffered so much. What an amazing celebration!
I am grateful for amazing family who I can share things with. I was telling my girls that Heavenly Father gave us families for that reason. They are people who can help you through things, and you don't have to worry about them thinking less of you. You don't have to be embarrassed or scared... because family is there to help, or just lend a listening ear.
I seriously love my Primary class. Which doesn't seem like a huge deal... but for me it is. I decided to pray for the ability to really love each of the kids. And I can honestly say that I really do. They teach me so much... and I hope I teach them a thing or two this year.

The bad.
Mike's work is killing us. I know the end is in sight, and I know that I am grateful he has a good job that supports our family... but it's been pretty bad.
I'm not sure I've seen Mike this stressed since he was working 35 hours a week and taking 16 credit hours. I think it was 2000 or early 2001. He about lost it... breakdown, meltdown, it was a struggle. I hate seeing him go through so much, especially when I can't help him with it.
I'm tired... tired of going to bed alone. Tired of not having a partner... I miss my best friend.

The ugly.
I've been hit with something I didn't see coming... okay... really I was blindsided. As a mother... you want your children to never suffer. My daughter has been faced with a difficult trial, and while I have complete faith that things will get better... it's another thing I can't fix. I'm so thankful for good Doctor's, PCMC and the U of U. (I can say that I NEVER thought I would love the U, but I do. Not the college teams... but the incredible teams of Dr's at the U of U hospital) It is an incredible blessing to live here.
It's something personal, and hard to come to terms with. I really struggle with asking for help during things like this. I think that I'd rather get through it... and then when I can breathe again, I'll try and sift through my emotions about the whole experience.
I'm doing my best to be strong as a Mom. I can't convince my daughter that things are okay if I can't convince myself. It's one of those things that you can't always see... but it's there.
So I will buck up, be strong, and push through.

Life

2011-04-04T13:54:00.004-06:00

Oh heavens...
Life gets so crazy, and just when you think it can't get busier... it does.

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~Emily Dickinson

I'm trying my best to push through this 'Utah Spring', this time of year is when I hit my breaking point. I look back through the years, and it's the month of April when Mike and I have gone on almost all our warm weather trips. I probably wonder on a daily basis why I live here. Yet, I know it's not as bad as it seems... I just need a few more weeks to get through the confidence that summer will actually be a reality again.
I wonder how crazy Mike would think I am if he came home to lounge chairs, frozen drinks, the thermostat cranked up to 90 degrees, and me in a bathing suit. I would need some steel drums playing and 'ocean sounds' soundtrack. *sigh*

Mike has been traveling a lot and working from home almost everyday. I start to feel overwhelmed and bad for myself, but I feel worse for the kids. I haven't had patience, and as much as I love working again... things are taking a toll. Nights that I'm not working, Mike is at scouts or at work. Mike's new position has come with so much added stress and has practically doubled his work load. On one hand, I feel so thankful he has a job, I feel bad for complaining. I'm thankful he hasn't always traveled like this. Being home alone is not easy on me, and I don't know how some wives do it regularly.

I started lifting weights and I'm taking a 12 week 'Body for Life' challenge. I haven't been prefect, but I've been proud of my dedication in spite of circumstances. It feels good to take some of my stress out on exercising... but it's also difficult to find the energy and time to do it! But for 12 weeks... I can do 12 weeks.

Taking the time to try and focus on myself and my health always make me think about where I'm at, and why I'm not feeling good. I try to evaluate my priorities, my relationships, and how I headed down a road I'm not happy about.

I can come up with excuses all day long. I'm tired, I don't have time, or the plain and simple... I don't care. If I dig deeper I know that there are specific things that need to change. There are feelings I'm not dealing with, and there are relationships that are toxic. Sometimes it's as easy as letting go... but sometimes it's making changes that are REALLY difficult. The goal is to feel worthy of happiness and success, and surround myself with a support system that helps me achieve my goals. I have to pick apart my life and see what's holding me back... and what's an obstacle. The hard part is that sometimes I care deeply and love my obstacles, or I'm just too lazy to want to let go of some bad habits.

Dear Lord...

2011-03-02T22:36:00.001-07:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

I was talking to a friend tonight and after she left I had one of those moments where I said to myself "why did I say that?" and "why did I bring that up?" I hate that! When I walk a way from a situation kicking myself and thinking "have you not learned anything?!!" Seriously!

I have a problem... I'm missing filters in my brain. I'm trying to establish them... but if I'm tired, had a long day, or just too darn comfortable. I open my mouth and it just starts coming. Next thing I know, the conversation is over and I'm thinking "I shouldn't have said that!"

It was nothing specific, just a general topic I can't seem to get away from. Certain things I just can't seem to get over. Geez... get over it already!! I feel like I'm over it... the emotions aren't raw... but the fact that I still talk about it just kills me. It's like it's always there, and I just try and pretend it's not. ARGH!!!

So instead of being an uplifting and positive friend, I just dump on other people. People who don't need to be dumped on, but need me to be a listening ear for them. Oh if I could take back some of those conversations. But I can't... so... like I tell myself over and over again...

MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!
(there, now maybe I will)

I've found myself on the downhill again. Oh how I hate the up's and down's. Things were so great no that long ago, why can't they just stay that way?
I seem to lose control of things, and next thing I know I lose control of my feelings. I can't lose weight, I can't keep my house clean, I can't get out of bed in the morning. It horrifies me to think that my children will have memories of the days I couldn't get out of bed. I try and make it up to them the next day or two... but it's ridiculous that I have days where my body thinks it needs 12 hours of sleep, (up to get Sophie to school) a 5 hour nap, then literally another 14 hours straight of sleep. Ridiculous!

So the next day I make myself get out of bed... and I'm sure everyone who lives with me would rather have me just stay in bed! I'm short, impatient, emotional... and I go to a place where I decide I have no friends, any the world is out to get me. Crazy, I know... but even knowing I'm crazy doesn't change it.

So my new plan...
#1- Screw the 'no caffeine' kick, if I can't drink coffee I've got to have my DDP
#2- I must try and make my treadmill my friend (to get this weight off, and to try and get me to sleep at night)
#3- keep my mouth shut! (I'm not allowed to talk to anyone for more than 5 minutes anymore!)

... at least that might get me through the week!

Hated or Loved

2011-02-26T22:49:00.001-07:00

I've learned some good lessons this week.... lessons about who I am, and what I am. I've had to make choices that don't look good from the outside... but they were the best choices for me. They weren't what other people wanted me to do, and they weren't easy decisions to make.

I spoke in church a couple weeks ago, and was able to speak on a very interesting topic. I spoke on a talk given about how God wants us to find our own answers. So... basically... I told everyone that if you need answers... you have the resources to make the decisions you need to. You have the very same resources available to you as great leaders do. The same scriptures, same doctrine, and the Lord wants you to make decisions for yourself.
We "can't put our faith in the infallability of men" If our faith lies with God, we won't be let down. Because guess what? As much as we want people to be perfect and wonderful... they will make mistakes. Sometimes they are put in positions where we think they can't make mistakes... but they still do. They say things or do things that are stupid! In understanding what our faith is... we can realize that our trust and our answers come from faith in HIM... not faith in a person. Even a person with great intentions can really get things wrong. Believe me... I have been in the wrong... and I have had some wrong done to me!

I have some good friends who are struggling with different challenges. Some are physical challenges some are spiritual challenges, but they all involve family dynamics that are unique.
I so admire the strength and courage of these women. I admire their love and devotion to their families and the wonderful women they are. The decisions I've had to make are so petty in comparison to the choices they are faced with.
It breaks my heart to hear of people are put in situations where they have to "go against the grain". Especially here... where differences seem so apparent! Sometimes people think they know what's best for another person, even with good intentions... but they are wrong. It's hard to tell a person "You have no idea what you're talking about." or "You don't know me."
And I think we'd all be surprised to see what's behind other people's choices in life.

I often think about teenagers... the ones who do everything they are supposed to and the ones who break every rule they are given. On the outside they look so different. One girl may dress modestly, go to church every Sunday, get straight A's, never even THINK about dating before she is 16, play an instrument, be on Seminary Council, and just glow brighter than the sun. On the other hand... another girl may wear too much make-up, sneak out of the house, skip school, have a piercing or two (or three, or four), fight with her parents, and just look like trouble. But what you can't see is the intention of either of their hearts. You can't see what's inside they're mind, what they plead with God about, what they struggle with and what they have endured in their past. And often what they look like on the outside is totally different than the inside.

You can see it in teenagers... but is it any different when we are 30... or 50? What's inside of everyone is different. I think that when we don't fit into a mold we feel there is something wrong with us. We can still try and better ourselves, but not try and fit into a mold that just won't work for us. God can see that I'm square, and he's not going to try and fit a square peg into a round hole! However, I know I'm square... God knows I'm square... but someone else may think I'm round... and that person is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Not that long ago, something was asked of me. I really felt I SHOULD do it. I really WANTED to do it. I even said I would do it... then, for very very personal reasons I could not.
It was nobody's business but my own, and yet I felt so guilty for not being able to do it. I felt like I was letting down everyone... and I worried, and cried, and got so caught up in what people might think.
Mike finally said "who cares!" and it sounded so simple... but I did care. Then I realized that the person I was afraid of letting down was my Father in Heaven. Funny enough... he was the only person I didn't have to explain myself to! He knew exactly my situation and why I couldn't do it. At THAT point it hit me that I knew I wasn't letting him down.
God knows why we do the things we do. He knows the intentions of our hearts.

We tend to have a "one size fits all" approach to life. Especially within smaller or more conformed societies. We know things based on our own experiences... and we like to try and apply the same mold to everyone.
Even with my own parenting the same rules apply to all my children, but I'm still learning that each child is so different... and each needs different ways of learning and growing through different forms of discipline. I believe our Heavenly Father sees us in the same way.

Which is why when all is said and done, we are only judged by the one person who knows what's in our heart. The only one who understands what we've been through, our strengths and weaknesses, and the only one who knows what hand we were dealt.

I've also learned that you find out who really cares about you when you have to "go against the grain". The people who pull away from you when you don't conform... they aren't true friends. It's funny how fast you can gain and loose friends based on the choices you make, and how that choice looks on the outside.
I think that the people truly who care don't even need an explanation. Because that person is just happy that you are doing something that makes you happy. And if people 'hate you for who you are'... than they never really liked you to begin with. And you have to do what's best for you! Hence the quote...

"It's better to be hated for what you are
than to be loved for what you're not"
— Marilyn Monroe

So much to smile about

2011-02-25T09:52:00.001-07:00

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up.

Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world.

As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything...
Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything.

Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

-Marilyn Monroe

No regrets

2011-02-22T10:44:00.004-07:00

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets."
— Marilyn Monroe

We decided to be spontaneous over the weekend and go play up at Solitude Resort. We got the call while we were at church... Mike's brother invited us up to stay at a condo with them.
We literally threw some clothes in a bag and left. Left dishes in the sink... the kitchen counter a mess... kids ripped their dresses off... we grabbed all our snow gear and we jumped in the truck.
Mike kept saying "This is so impromptu!" Which kept making me laugh!
We stayed in the Powderhorn Lodge. They got 25 inches of snow in two days. The condo was amazing, snuggling up by the fire. Visiting with Greg and Anita... and enjoying the snowfall and white mountains from a nice warm lodge! Homemade soup and rolls, pancake breakfast, and warm grilled cheese sand-o's.

Monday morning we woke up to sunshine and knee-deep snow. We took the kids out sledding. It was so much fun! I absolutely hate the cold... so this was the first time I've been out in the snow with the kids for... maybe 9 years?!! In fact, I believe the last time I went sledding I got the name 'Tink'. (I won't elaborate on it any further... but let's just say it was not my best day)

The fun of it was that 'knee-deep' for Mike and I meant shoulder and waist deep for the girls. There was SO MUCH snow it was crazy! I think the most snow I ever seen.

The girls had a hilarious time with uncle Greg. Lexi picked a fight and got whitewashed... then she got him back. The girls were flying off snow jumps and landing face first in the snow. At one point Greg got sprayed with snow so badly that all the hairs on his face were dusted white. Eyebrows... stubble... everything! Sophie said "It's Santa!!!"

We made snow angels, buried each other in the snow, and the younger two girls ate it by the handfuls. Despite my absolute HATE of the cold, Mike even got me to go down on the sled!

We had a great weekend, and I'm so glad we took the opportunity to enjoy some family time together. I love that we are getting closer to Mike's family and building relationships that I treasure!

"You never know what life is like, until you have lived it."
— Marilyn Monroe

What the hell

2011-02-17T10:55:00.002-07:00

"Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?"

- Marilyn Monroe

Funny how depending on where you put the emphasis on the phrase "What the hell?" it can mean two totally different things. Isn't that true about most of life... depending on where you put the emphasis it's a whole different story.

I feel like the last couple years of my life have been full of decisions. It's been overwhelming at times, and I feel like no matter the decision... it's wrong. I've noticed that the more I care about things... the more I get hurt. The more I invest, or the more I want something... the greater the disappointment.
I'd like to say that I get most everything I want. I don't. I'd love to say that I set goals and usually achieve them. Nope. I also would like to say that I don't put trust in people who I shouldn't. Well... I do that too.
I'm finding that as I get older, I'm learning acceptance. I think maybe I'm learning not to care. Not to expect so much... from myself or others. That way... when I actually accomplish something it comes as a great surprise!
I struggle with my 'follow through'. I have great intentions, and I give it EVERYTHING I've got... for about 5 minutes. (No! a little longer than that) I want immediate results... I want to achieve my goal right when I want it. I struggle with say... endurance.
I think that to approach something with "what the hell?" Is probably my solution. I don't need to analyze it... get scared about it... try and change it... or even let it consume more of my thoughts than necessary.
Oprah (yes... I'm using her as a reference) said that she "doesn't get angry anymore". Now granted... if I were Oprah I would probably not have to get angry about much. But I thought about what a great idea it would be to just "not get angry"... just not allow it.
I think I could still feel sad, disappointed, frustrated... but what if I just took angry out of my emotional options?

Then there's "What the hell?" in response to things I've been faced with where I honestly think "How did I get in this situation?". I recently experienced some things with a group of "friends" that just made me angry. Angry is a polite way of expressing how I felt. I have a real problem when religion finds it's way into places it doesn't belong. Or when people use their authority in the church to try and control things they don't have any business in. An even bigger struggle I have is when petty matters of insecure women become.... Anyways... not the point... At first I was really ticked-off. I fumed just thinking about it. However, I've really tried to keep my feelings to myself, venting my disappointment to some people outside of the group, but trying not the 'stir the pot'.
It surprises me how quickly I can get over something like that if I just remove it from my life. I found myself so upset about it... but it was what it was. There was no changing what happened. It's not the first time I've had to deal with the unique and often confusing culture I choose to live in. Instead of festering in my anger ... I really just felt shocked, disappointed, saddened, and then just walked away from it.

Similar to hurtful relationships in my family. I just distance myself from the situation... and in the long run I end up on the other side, feeling sad for people who still hang on to stuff they don't need to.
I've carried my share of emotional baggage. It's held me back, it's made me angry, it's gotten me in trouble, it's prevented me from doing things I'd like to do. I think in a lot of ways it's caused me unnecessary pain.
I'm going to try to no longer do things I don't want to do. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not... or let unimportant things affect me. This week, my visiting teachers came over and I didn't need to have my house spotless! I delegated out everything for the class party I was in charge of, and didn't apologize for anything. I was honest about not socializing with people who piss me off. On Sunday, I took two kids to their parents, instead of getting angry about the situation in my Primary class. And guess what?... since Monday the 7th... I've lost 10 pounds. That's 10 pounds in 10 days.

It was so much easier to control what I eat when I wasn't trying to control everything else. But what the hell do I know? I'm just on my way on my handbasket.

Small girl in a big world

2011-02-15T08:40:00.004-07:00

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."
— Marilyn Monroe

My lil' Sofa Loaf. She's more like me than I realize sometimes... our personalities are too alike at times... hence the clash of two strong and opinionated people! I always tell people "the things that make her difficult at times... are the things that I love about her!" She's often all over the place, but I steal the moments of her sweet and soft side. (because I don't get to have them when I want them... only when she's in the mood to give it to me.)

I'm one of those parents who truly wants to know how my child is behaving. I know how my kids behave when I'm around, my fear is how they behave when I'm not there. Sophie's so strong-willed and I don't know how she does with other authority figures.

Sophie has some funny things about her. One of them, she does not see a difference between age or gender. She will speak to a 6 year-old girl the same way she speaks to a 60 year-old man. Recently our ward changed the location of the Primary room. She walked into the room... now being used for Elder's Quorum... walked right to the front of the room, and with an almost disgusted face said "Ummm... what are you guys doing in here?!" she stared at them all and shook her head "I don't know what's going on!" She promptly walked out in the hall and started asking another adult what was going on.

I help in her school class every other week, and see her interacting with the kids. Her teacher said she hasn't had problems with her... but I'm not sure I always believe her.

I spoke with a friend on the phone who told me a story someone told her who witnessed Sophie at her best. Apparently she and another little girl were sticking their tongues out at each other. It went back and forth a couple times... until Sophie had enough! She just got up... walked over to the little girl and licked her face. WHAT??!!!!

So I've always wanted honest feedback from Sophie's teachers... and I definitely got what I asked for last week!

I came in to help and noticed Sophie wasn't there. Her teacher told me that she had gone into the 'special needs' class. Apparently they take a few kids in there each week to help the children with needs have interaction with other Kindergartner's. It was Sophie's week, and her teacher said she likes it and had done it before.

After helping for a bit I see Sophie and a few other kids come in with the teacher of the other class. The teacher walked over to Sophie's teacher and is whispering something to her. I see Sophie's teacher smile, cover her mouth in shock... and I just knew they were talking about Sophie. Sure enough Ms Palmer motions for me to come over.
I went over and Sophie's teacher asks the other teacher to tell me what she had just said. Sophie's teach prefaces it with "You'll think this is funny."

The 'special needs' teacher proceeds to tell me how Sophie was asking why one child couldn't talk. Apparently they were trying to tell her "he hadn't learned yet" and she kept responding with "I don't get it" which of course she says with attitude. Sophie then said "So he's just like a big BABY?!" Then the teacher tells me how rude" Sophie is.
I was a bit taken back... but then she started a sentence with "If she were my child..." and it hit me that she had NO IDEA I was Sophie's mother. Ms. Palmer quickly interrupted her and started defending Sophie. She said "If you knew Sophie..." and "That's just Sophie's personality" and I could tell she felt horrible.
I called Sophie over and explained that Sophie was very "blunt" and also used the word "brash". (offensively bold) I explained to Sophie that saying the child was a "baby" was not nice. She was asking why the child couldn't talk... and literally was asking if he was a big baby.
Of course I cried all the way home. It was exactly what I asked for... I've always asked as she is doing.

At parent-teacher Conference I brought up a few concerns. It worries me that with the school year half over, she doesn't know the names of kids in her class. I noticed after seeing a few kids in her class outside of school, and asking her "who is that?" She responds "someone in my class"
Ms. Palmer said I was right, she points to people or says "Hey you". And she confirmed that it's not normal.

It's as if she cannot 'connect' with people. She also has become obsessed with funny little routines. If someone is leaving the house, there is a 'goodbye' routine. And OH MY GOSH! If for any reason she is not able to do it... or heaven forbid someone leave without telling her... she freaks out!

She has things she does to comfort herself. Sometimes she rocks back and forth. She is very literal... and needs everything explained to her. She's extremely independent, stubborn, and strong-willed. Her fuse is super short and she is quick to anger. She really struggles with some different things.

So with her neuroglogical issues when she was little, she was given 'behavioral therapy'. I understood the importance of physical therapy, but I didn't like the therapist for her behavioral therapy. I didn't do what I should have. I worry that I didn't give her what she needed.

I don't know if her issues early on are in any way connected to her issues now. But I spoke with her Dr. about my concerns. She is overdue for a MRI, and he wants to follow-up on her Chiari (a rare abnormality at the base of the brain that results in brain issue extending into the spinal canal) So she will go to Primary's tomorrow for that. Then we meet with the Neurosurgeon a week from tomorrow.

I'm not really worried about her Chiari, she has not shown physical signs of problems. But I guess it's nice to know if it has grown, or how much.
After that, we will start working on 'behavioral' issues. I know as a mother... my concerns are exaggerated by the desire for her to be happy and healthy. I'm not ready to settle with a blanket statment of "that's just her personality".
She has taught me more than I would ever think I could learn about parenting. Just when I think I know what I'm doing with her, it stops working. I know it will be a process... and I know that her feeling 'unconditionally loved' will be the best medicine I can give her.

I just love my little Sof. She makes me laugh at least once a day. She's a blessing in my life, and a spark of excitement in our family! Love her.

Happy LOVE Day

2011-02-14T10:42:00.002-07:00

So I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's... but I'm also not the bitter people who think it's a "stupid holiday made-up by retailers". I think that if there is a day to celebrate love... that's kinda nice! No need to get angry about it.

Love comes in all forms. I love lots of people... my family, friends, people I'm close to... but I also love the woman who invented Spanx and the strangers who return lost wallets. I really think there is a way to love almost everyone for one reason or another. ("almost everyone" I said)

I'm 'in love' with lots of wonderful things that make my life easier. Clorox wipes, the garage door opener in my car, Dyson... (the weird guy who's apparently dedicated his life to blah, blah, SUCTION, blah) cell phones, laptops, wireless internet, remote controls, my dishwasher, super capacity dryers, clothes that have a little stretch to them, MAC makeup, and I've yet to meet a shoe store I didn't love. Those are just a few things I love.

It does warm my heart to say that my husband is my best friend. We have been through 13 years together. There has been easy times, and harder times. We were both so young, it feels like we've 'grown-up' together. I'm thankful we've found ways to grow together and not apart. We are just about as different as two happily married people can possibly be. Our differences have been a challenge along the way... but no deal-breakers.

'Love' doesn't seem like the right way to describe how I feel about Mike, simply because there is so much more than 'love' that I feel.

Happy Valentine's to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that I love! But especially to my best friend... who happens to have my heart.

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead"
-Marilyn Monroe

Perfection is so overrated!

2011-02-07T15:22:00.001-07:00

Some of my most favorite quotes ever... come from Marilyn Monroe. It may seem a bit strange, but the woman was smart... smarter than anyone gives her credit for. I may just base all my next few post in dedication to her, maybe that will be my theme for February. She said...

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring"

I don't think I would label myself as a 'perfectionist', but there are certain aspects of my life I do expect perfection. I've realized that in seeking such perfection, I tend to miss the lessons I should be learning from my mistakes and failures.
I get so down on myself, and mad at myself for not meeting my expectations, that I miss what it is I could have learned from my failure. Which is why I think I make the same mistake over and over.
The biggest area of my life where I think this is happening, has to do with my body! My body and my personality! I feel it's easier to control the things around me... but not so easy to make myself as perfect as I think I should be. I'm trying to come to terms with what it is I can... and can't change about myself. Just some of my imperfections...

My pinky fingers are 'freakishly' too small (makes it really hard to play the piano)
I never learned all my times tables, have to use my fingers
I also struggle with addition
I have adult acne
My ankles are super thick... I've yet to find an anklet to fit
I overeat... I feed my emotions
No matter how much weight I lose, I'm built... bigger bones, broad shoulders, and muscular legs
My ears are too small (and I'm not sure they grow)
I don't have toenails on my pinky toes... I paint the little lump on it, and the skin where my nail should be
I have stretch marks from the back of my knees up to my neck
I've never been able to float
I have thin hair, and paper thin fingernails
I can't say the word 'specific' or 'aluminum' without really concentrating
I have a hard time asking for help, a really hard time

I could go on and on! So I think I've spent way too long not liking things about myself. When the truth is... I must accept the flaws that I can't change, and change the flaws I can't accept.
There are flaws about myself that I can work on... things I can change. But there things that bother me, and I have no control over them!
I feel like at 31 years-old, maybe it's time to come to terms with the fact that many of these things will never change... no matter how badly I want them to. Instead... I should be focusing my energy on the things that will make me a happier person. Turning some of the flaws into just unique things that make me who I am.
I am built with bigger bones, broad shoulders and a muscular frame. This has always bothered me... always. I know my feelings won't change overnight, but I think that working out... specifically lifting weights... makes me feel good about myself. I am strong! I can build muscle like nobody's business. If I embrace that fact, focusing on how good it makes me feel to be strong... than I think that I will love my body more. Rather than suffering on the treadmill... because that's what all the skinny girls do, so I think it will make me look like them! Granted, I may turn into this...No! I wouldn't!
But I think I would have a much better body image, and I would feel better!
So this week, I'm not beating myself up for all the things I shouldn't have eaten... I'm going to celebrate the good choices I make! I may have had a few pieces of candy yesterday, but I got in my fruit and veggie servings!... and that's a hard one for me.
KT Tunstall's song 'Under the Weather' has one of my favorite lines...

"You say you feel like a natural person
you haven't got nothing to hide.
So why do you feel imperfection
cut like a sword in your side?"

I think there is a lot of beauty and wisdom in this world that is overlooked because it is not considered perfect. What makes us all interesting... and unique... is that we are not perfect. I don't need to try and keep my house as clean as my friend's, or look as good as my neighbor, or be as good of a Mom as a woman on TV. I have somehow determined that as perfection. Instead... I will be who I am... imperfections included. I will try to realize that some of those imperfections are who I am, how God made me, and let them go.
I will try to learn from my mistakes, not being upset that I'm not perfect, but maybe reevaluating what I am expecting. Being more realistic, and working on the things that I can change.

An uphill battle

2011-02-04T11:02:00.005-07:00

That's what I'm fighting... and uphill battle. But this week has gotten me back in the game!... or at least I feel like I'm warming the bench.
After having a couple weeks of high-stress situations, this past week has been much better. Unfortunately 'much better' doesn't mean anything on the scale... but I'm being more responsible, and reaching goals.

First, the caffeine. I have been clean for 5 days, 15 hours, and about 10 minutes. It's a big triumph for me, and I will say that I have felt better. I'm drinking more water, and VitaRain from Costco. I've had a couple key moments... when I really felt I 'needed' a diet Dr Pepper to make it through that day... or that moment. I haven't lost weight, but by drinking diet soda I wasn't drinking any calories. I think that the lack of caffeine has made me feel sluggish, and I'm adjusting to the change in energy. I was surprised that I didn't have headaches... I've had nasty headaches before. I think I did better because I went completely off soda on my trip to Aust/NZ. It's interesting how easy it is to go without something if it's simply not available!

Second, sleeping. Funny enough, I know that the lack of caffeine helps contribute to better sleeping habits. I didn't accomplish my 11pm-8am goal... but 12am-8:30am is moving in the right direction. Now I just have to learn how to turn off the TV! My problem is that I don't watch TV during the day, I record things. So after I put the kids to bed... it's my time to veg. 'Veg' also means feeding my face... but hey... I'm writing it down!

Which brings me to my Third triumph, writing down what I eat. Now... I didn't say what I had to eat, just that I needed to write it down. In the process of writing it down, I see just how much crap I put in my mouth. And even if it's not crap, I still put too much of it in my mouth! Writing down the words 'Chuck-a-Rama' doesn't help me lose weight. But I know I do better when I'm writing it down. (Which is sad to think about what I eat like when I don't write it down!)

A few more triumphs...
I've blogged
my house has stayed 'mostly' clean... 'most' of the time
I've done one load of laundry a day (I know that won't continue through the weekend, but Mon-Thurs is good enough for me)

I'm not ready to add any new goals just yet. I feel like I need to get these things a little more routine first. Baby steps.

Uncle Steve

2011-02-02T11:53:00.002-07:00

My uncle came into town this past weekend. He is my Dad's little brother. My sis and I went to dinner with him, and it was an unexpected healing experience for me. I got a lot of questions answered, and I received another perspective on my Dad's life, and my parents relationship.

A little background...

My Dad and Mom became best friends when they were 14 years old. They were 'soul mates' as my uncle put it. Of course their friendship became more than that, and by the end of High School they were a couple... my Dad was a few months younger than my Mom, and a grade behind her... he was able to graduate early with her. He was a football and basketball player and she was on the drill team. They were the definition of 'High School sweethearts'.
Now here is where I have had some holes in their story...
After High School, they moved from Cali up to Provo for college. They only stayed for one semester, then moved back to Cali to get married. They were very young! I was born a year later, and afterward they again moved back to Provo where my Dad worked as a mechanic at the Provo airport, and the training to become a pilot. My Dad's parents started going through a nasty divorce, and my Dad was close to both his Mom and Dad.
My Mom had two more kids... I was 22 months old when my sis came along, and 15 months later another sister. They moved back to Cali again, and six months later my Dad took his own life. I have memories of just about everything following that... the hell that I get to call my childhood.
So my Mom very quickly remarried, and we never spoke about my father. In fact, until I was 8 years old, I was told he died in a car accident. My Mom didn't think I was old enough to know the truth. We were in essence, cut off from that side of the family. I remember hearing my Mom call my Grandma Kit a 'family friend'. I was confused... so very confused.
I do understand the need to protect your children, I feel the need to protect my own children from things. What ever the reasons, I grew up with a lot of questions and a huge void where a father should have been, not to mention a stepfather who hated everything about me.
As I got older, I got some bits and pieces, but everyone had their own perspective on what happened and why my Dad did what he did. Everyone had someone different to blame. The one constant was that everyone... literally everyone... said my Dad was such a great guy, and loved by everyone who knew him. He was kind, generous, loving, and just a really good person. I remember my Mom told me once, that he never once complained. "He never complained about anything I cooked... he never said anything negative to me... ever."

My uncle talked about my Dad, and answered questions that I had about my parents relationship. My Dad suffered from depression, and he would often leave for days at a time. Which is why people didn't worry about him when he left for the last time.
My uncle also confirmed what my Grandpa told me before he died. That both my Mom's and Dad's parents told them they needed to get married. They were obviously doing things that warranted this advise... and whether it was because of religion, or just social pressure of that generation... as my uncle said "They got some bad advise." They were too young, and not getting married for the right reasons.
Now I know that realistically there had to have been many contributing factors. Having a chemical imbalance probably being the most critical factor. My Dad's family suffers from severe disorders, I have an aunt and cousin who are bipolar, another aunt who struggles passively like my Dad, but so much of that family struggles with a range of mental disorders and won't take medication. As where people who are bipolar deal with the manic high's... my Dad's depression kept him on the low's. He was a 'passive depressant'. My uncle confirmed that he really suffered from this disease.
It was such a healing experience to hear him talk about my Dad. Not to mention, everyone tells me that this uncle is the most like my Dad... they have very similar personalities. I told him that it's so nice to visit with him because it actually gives me some reassurance that there is some 'normal blood' from that family. It sounds harsh to say that everyone else in that family is crazy... but honestly most everyone truly is. Without medication, they've lived hard lives... still do.
I can't help but think that if my Dad had lived in a time where he could have had the option of medication... he'd still be here today. I think this is the reason I've never taken my situation for granted. I feel so blessed to live in a day where not only are there great meds, but people are starting to be more accepting of mental disorders. I think that it's important to keep in mind... that I don't take medication for me... I take it for my kids, for Mike, for my family and loved ones. If my life was only about me, I probably wouldn't take medications. I hate the way it makes me feel. But my life affects a lot of people. I think that anyone who struggles with depression needs to remember that while being depressed sucks for you... it really sucks for other people too! Taking medications is not a weakness, it takes strength to be honest about what you might need, or what your family needs.

I realize that I will always have questions about my Dad. That void will always be there... because I know that only he can fill in the gaps. And someday, I believe that I'll have the opportunity to ask him anything I want. Until then... I'm so thankful for the small moments in my life where I get to know him better. My uncle will never know just how much his stories mean to me. I'll be forever thankful.

Here we go!

2011-01-31T10:02:00.004-07:00

"Ninety percent of all those who fail are not actually defeated. They simply quit."
-- Paul J. Meyer

Goals this week:
1. Write down everything I eat... even if it's crap!
2. No caffeine
3. In bed by 11pm... up at 8am. (Yes, that's 9 hours. My mental/physical health is the best with 10, but 9 is a lot better than the 6 I've been getting)

There's about a million more things I'd like to fix about myself this week, but I gotta take baby steps! It's honestly difficult to only chose 3. But I know I need to take it slow. Not to mention... I'm trying to embrace who I am... flaws and everything!

Baby you're a Firework!

2011-01-28T09:20:00.005-07:00

I feel like I've fallen off almost all the wagons in my life! The blogging, weight loss, budgeting, creativity, productivity wagons.
I've been trying to get back in the groove, and interestingly enough... getting my groove on is just what I needed!
Music has always been super important to me. The times I've been inspired the most, have been through music. I can think back to the first time I really felt the spirit... music. I can't cut hair without it. For my entire Jr High and High School years, I had to fall asleep with music on. It's just a weird quirk I guess.
My newest favorite song is 'Firework' by Katy Perry. This is why...

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Umm... this is how I've felt for the last two years! That drifting has sent me in a lot of different directions, and I'm still trying to figure things out. Just when I think I'm back on track... I seem to have another set-back.

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I posted a while back that I was 'subdued'. I felt transparent. I honestly think it's been why I haven't been able to blog. I started using FB simply because it took less time and less thought. I can muster up one sentence... but beyond that it's just too depressing. I remember how therapeutic it felt to blog. I know I've got to get it back in my life. It's that feeling of screaming inside... something that needs to get out!

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

I feel that spark. That part of me who wants so badly to feel good again. I remember how great I felt a couple of years ago, I think it was probably the best I've ever felt in my life! I know some of the things I need to do, I just can't seem to do them. So when it comes to igniting the light... there is my problem. I KNOW the things I need to do. I KNOW the foods I should be eating to lose weight. I KNOW how to be a good friend and foster those relationships. I just have to figure out how to light that fire inside of me.

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the 4th of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go, "Oh!"
As you shoot across the sky

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down

So that's the motivating chorus! The reminder that I simply need the courage to be who I am, and be okay with that. I DO have worth, and I can show that worth to others. Quite frankly, if someone doesn't want to see that worth, then truly... it's their loss. I can't let other people define me, or decide what I'm worth. I'll admit that making them go "oh!" is something I think about now and then. I would love to show the people who have pulled me down, that I'm not who they have pegged me as. But I know I have to prove it to myself first.

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

I do feel like wasted space sometimes. I'm not contributing to my own life... let alone the lives of those around me.
I love the reminder that we are all original... because we truly are! We live in a world where we are all trying to be the same. We compare ourselves to other people, people who are so different than us. I've always felt different, and there are times I've embraced it more than others. There are areas I'm okay with being different... and other ways I'm not.
I don't know what the future holds... and if I did, I think it would be easier. I'd love to know what I needed to do to get out of this 'funk'. And I'd love to see why I've had to go through some of the things I have. What are the lessons I need to learn from all this?... so I can move on already!

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

There's that saying about God opening a window when all the doors are closed. I'm not sure a window has open for me. I've wondered why not, and if God would open a window. I've blamed myself for maybe not being where I should be... maybe I'm being punished, feeling trapped in a dead end. The love idea that I can open the door I need, because I can wait for the right door. Maybe my road ahead is not perfect, but if I learn from my experiences... it will be the right door and the right road for me.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

The lightning bolt has definitely not hit my heart yet. My heart has been badly damaged, and is taking a long time to heal. I've been angry with myself for not being able to forgive. I feel like I've tried to force forgiveness, but pretending to forgive does not cut it. In fact, I think it's toxic. "Fake it till you make it" is a concept that doesn't work well for me. And I do believe that it will come... and when it's time I will know.

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July...

Then that awesome chorus again, so motivating!

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon,
It's always been inside of you,
And now it's time to let it through

I do believe that it's always been inside of me, I'm still the same person as I was two years ago. That person is not gone, she's just been a little lost. I need to find her and bring her back. On the surface I'm very much the same... besides the 20 pounds I've gained in the last 2 years... but underneath I've got to find her and get her back.
I know that when I find her I will be able to fix other things... my testimony will be able to grow, I will be a better friend, I'll be more positive, and I can really get back on a healthy path. Physically healthy and mentally healthy.

So my journey to find myself will go deeper. I will be blogging more... it may be a spew of internal battles... but I know it will be a form of much needed therapy. Spring will come, and the warm sun will follow. I'll be removing toxins... toxins I take in my body, I take in my mind, and evaluate some toxic relationships I have and toxic situations I put myself in.

So thank you Katy Perry! It's a very unexpected source of strength... but I'm grateful for the message and the inspiration behind it. Thank you for touching my heart and helping me find the strength to open the perfect door.

Drum roll please............

2011-01-07T21:38:00.005-07:00

Simply Sharp studio is completed! Officially open and ready for business!

I could probably post a novel on all the things I did to get here... the emotional roller coaster ride I had... all the things I learned about myself... the experience of working with Mike... seeing my vision become a reality... and many other enlightening words... BUT, not tonight.
I also designed and printed my business cards. Mike updated our software to accommodate a single stylist. He also built me a payment processor into my software so I can take credit cards! (benefits of sleeping with the most powerful genius in the world!!!)

I can say that I'm as equally excited to begin working more hours and I am to not be neglecting my children on crazy time-consuming projects like painting, tiling, or building brick walls! I can set my working hours and be a Mom/Wife/Volunteer/Homemaker with the rest of my time.

My only drawback is the the weather is so nasty... we will have to wait months before we can get a walkway around the side of the house. So I get to bring all my clients through my house and my unfinished basement to get to the studio. I guess it's just more motivation to keep my house cleaner... hum... I guess it would have to be clean first, then I could keep it 'cleaner'.

So if you want to get a cut and/or color... or shape and wax your eyebrows... don't hesitate to text or call me at 801-836-4861. If you just want to come by and see the place, I'd be happy to give a little tour. (little... because it's just one room and a bathroom)

I have to admit, I feel proud of my project. Just seeing a dream come true... it's been quite a blessing. I'll have plenty to post about for the next while, just learning and growing through it all.

Pics of the brick wall

2010-12-29T09:39:00.002-07:00

Here are the pics of my brick wall. Yes, this is the new studio entrance on the North side of my house. The door was installed (by an idiot) during the summer, which started this entire project. Many months later, the end is finally in sight.

Here's how it went, starting with the prep on the drywall...

... and the finished product! Obviously the mortar is still wet in this pic (especially on the left side) and it dried much lighter.
Since finishing the wall I've done more painting, had the nightmare with the floor, the electrician has done his finish work, and the custom cabinets have been built and installed.
I finished with grouting the bathroom tile floor late last night. Mike hung trim in the salon, so it's putty and paint today! Our plumber will be here in the morning. Could we really be that close? It seems like a lot still.
Not to mention the mass amount of snow I've got to shovel off the driveway... thank goodness for ALEVE. And lots of it!

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho... it's off to work I go!

2010-12-22T11:20:00.004-07:00

I went to work last night (hopefully for the last time) and it made me so excited to think about having my own studio. Being able to go downstairs instead of fighting Christmas traffic and winter weather.
I have put so much into this project of mine... it's by far the biggest thing I've taken on in a long time. From designing the floor plan and electric needs, to building an interior brick wall... I've honestly lived the term 'blood, sweat, and tears'.
Mike was able to do the framing, and had some help from my bro-in-law. We decided to hire out the electrical work, plumbing, and HVAC. Even thought Mike did all of these things in our last house... to expedite the process, and because Mike doesn't seem to have any free time. ever. If Mike worked only on Saturday's... it may be a few years before we finished it up.
I think the greatest accomplishment I've had... the brick wall. The biggest flop... the floor. I bought the brick from a Mason on KSL. When we picked it up, he gave me a quick explanation of how to use mortar and wished me luck. I bought the brick for 1/4 of what it costs, and the mortar was something like $7 a bag. So 20 hours and four days later... I couldn't hardly walk and certainly couldn't put my arms above my head... but I was done! I literally just mixed up the mortar, cranked up the iPod and took a leap of faith. Although it was more like throwing myself off a cliff into the valley of the unknown... just praying I land on my feet. I knew once I started to trowel that cement on my walls there would be no turning back. Luckily... it came out how I had wanted it to.
Which brings me to the floor.
I didn't feel like this was going to be jumping off the cliff, I actually wasn't very worried. (Maybe I became overly confident after the brick) I wanted to stain the concrete an earthy 'slate' type color. I wanted there to be variences... darker and lighter... looking very much like a natural stone kind of thing. Well... I had alot of variables. We had to move the plumbing, so the concrete had been torn up in some areas, we also had the typical basement floor cracks. The newer cement had not been filled in evenly (we had a contractor from hell... my 5-year old could have made the floor move level than he did) so my palette was not ideal. Still... I wasn't too worried.
My problem was the color. The cement didn't absorb like it should have. So after washing the concrete (took 1 day to wash, 1 day to dry) then using an acid to etch it (one FULL day to put the it down, then mop it up, and 1 day to dry) I put down a stain that turned out too blue... not gray.
So after consulting an 'expert' at Home Depot... I decided to put down another stain on top of the blue. Something more brown to neutralize the color. (1 day to apply, 1 day to dry) Well... it was a red-brown... so I got a purplish floor.
Now I will admit that I'm a stickler when it comes to color. I wasn't looking for perfection... but I had an idea in my mind, and was nowhere close. So I proceeded to use a stripping solution, which turned the stain into a sticky thick goo. It came up in some places, but not in others. I was left with a complete disaster! (not to mention ANOTHER two days wasted) Scrubbing the floor and scraping the goo left me so incredibly sore and nasty gross.
My solution was to fork out more cash and get a laminate floor from IKEA. It was cheap as far as flooring is concerned, and I just wanted a floor that would look nice. So I went with the rustic wooden laminate. It looked awesome with the brick! and the paint on the walls! It was a beast to lay... due to the uneven concrete areas... what should have taken me 2-3 hours, turned into 6-7 hours. I just did my best and got the floor done. It looked nice, and the uneven spots weren't noticeable.
The next morning I walk in to find that as the material climatized... the uneven spots had bowed up, and any piece not properly fitted popped up, separating itself. Like little springing slats over two areas.
Up until this point of the entire project I had experienced a range of emotions and feelings... I had been very angry with a contractor. Extremely sore from physical labor. Super tired from too many long days. I felt guilty for neglecting my children through much of this project. I had gotten sick from running down my immune system. And I had been happy with results, surprised at the things I had accomplished, and excited to see the end coming soon.
For the first time... I was now devastated and hopeless about the stupid floor. Mike kept saying "it's just the floor" and I would think "YES! the floor! that's a huge part of the room!"
As I tore up the already-cut-laminate-pieces-I-couldn't-return, I actually fumed. My blood was boiling so hard I thought my head would explode! It was actually therapeutic to rip those boards off the floor and throw them across the room.
I laid in bed and as the thought of the money I had wasted on the floor added up in my mind... I put the 'tears' into the 'blood, sweat, and tears'. I was spent! And out of ideas.
Mike and I were leaving for almost a month... and we had been on schedule to complete everything before we left. I was getting too stressed and decided to put it all on hold until we got back.
We finally came home on the 8th, and I finished the floor a few days later. I went with a solid concrete paint. The color isn't my favorite... in fact, I think it clashes with the wall color... but at this point it "is" what it "is". Nobody will be bothered by it but me.
So as of today... we are getting the cabinets hung and installed... hopefully this week, then Mike can finish the trim and hang the doors. Then the plumber can come hook up the water and we are GOOD TO GO! I can't wait!

Disneyland 2010

2010-10-07T22:05:00.004-06:00

The girls and I headed to Disneyland (sadly, without our brave leader Mike) for an adventure! My Mom and lil' sis came along as well.

I arranged a suite with a kitchen. NO EATING IN THE PARK! Is a rule of ours... as well as NO SOUVENIRS! Which means that all we contribute to the park is our cheap deal on tickets... and our wonderful selves!
That first day we went grocery shopping for the week, then picked up my sis from the airport. (She flew in that morning) Then we finally headed to Huntington Beach. This is one of my favs, and when I lived in OC I frequented this beach often... okay, when I should have been in school. But really? How do you go to school on a beautiful warm day knowing there is a beach 15 minutes down the road?!

The kids LOVED it! We could have skipped Disneyland and spent everyday at the beach for a week. (Take after their Mom!)

That evening we went to the park just for the fireworks. We went back to the hotel to get a good nights sleep... we had a few long days ahead of us! (Little did we know the heat was going to try and shut us down)

We came in... started on the right... and hit it all. I had to take them to Captian EO. The best moment was at the end, when I said "Wow! He is such an icon!" and Lexi said "What?!... that was a boy?"
We were working the 'FastPass' system timing things just right so we never got held up, or had to go back somewhere.
Sophie could ride everything except Indiana Jones and California Screamin'... she was pretty devastated. Her favorite ride was the Tower of Terror. We rode it three times in a row... and again the next day.
I have to say that one of my favorite things about my girls is that they did NOT want to stand in a line to see a princess. You would think in a family of girls that we might do the 'princess thing'... but seeing a girl in a dress and make-up... talking like a chipmunk... just doesn't give you the same adrenaline rush as those coasters do! I will admit that I have never been a big fan of Disney Princesses. There are very few of them that I think are good role models. A few of them aren't helpless, ditsy, drama queen's. But I just haven't ever been a fan of the idea that girls should just sing songs and wait for a Prince to make their dreams come true. So my girls are deprived.
I have to say that we did have opportunities to see Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, and the girls even got to participate in a show with the Toy Story soldiers. But no lines for the lame princesses.... thank goodness!

The girls were SO excited to just be there! They had no demands or expectations... just so happy! They really are the most amazing kids, sometimes going to public places where I see other childrens' behavior is the best thing for me. I wouldn't trade them for any other kids in the world!

We made so many memories, and had such a great time. I know that these are the times I will treasure forever. I will someday look back and remember the smiles on their faces and the excitement in the their eyes... it really is a magical place!

Trying to catch up

2010-10-06T14:25:00.004-06:00

(yes, I'm posting this... it's been sitting unpublished since October...)

I realize it's been quite a while since I've written. As the days go on, I get more and more behind, the thought of catching up is a bit overwhelming.
Many things have been going on. Kids back in school, Mike's new position at work, switching work to my home, church calling (yes, I have one!), school volunteer drama, housework (or lack there of), personal conflicts, family, weight battles, friends, and my usual up's and down's.
I love fall General Conference, despite the weather changing. There were some specific things that hit home for me. Parenting instructions, inspirations to grow my faith, and personal challenges.
One thing I took to heart was the challenge to get to bed early and wake up early. Something I have really never done in my lifetime. But I'd love to make that change.
I'm hoping that things will slow down a bit so I can catch up. I was that person who would check blogs and think "I really wish they would post!" I would hear people say "I'm just so far behind" and I would offer my advise... "just start new! don't worry about catching up!"
... guess it's time to take my own advise!

Ode to Fabric Softener

2010-08-31T11:45:00.003-06:00

(My Mother never used fabric softener... never. So this is a new world for me! I used fabric softener for the first time in May. I'm so happy it doesn't bother the girls skin!)

Oh how I LOVE the scent of you...
I feel all fuzzy inside when I open the cupboard to see your sleek and sexy curves.
You are called 'simple pleasures', and you live up to your name.
I think I could just sit and smell you all day.
They should make you into a candle... or a lotion.
I must admit... I can't really tell what you do for my clothes... but it doesn't matter.
You almost make me want to do laundry... almost.

"Thanks for noticing me"- eeyore

2010-08-29T13:26:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while because I've nothing positive to say. I've been stuck in a slump the last bit, and I can't quite get out of it. I feel like Eeyore... pessimistic and down in the dumps.
I've had plenty of things to pull me out, but I can't pinpoint why I got so down in the first place.
So here is what's going on...

The budget thing is pluggin' along. I'm not sure if it's contributing to my depression, but I'm hanging in there. I've stayed within my cash allowances, and I'm learning to go without some luxuries. I'm learning that I HAVE to make a plan before entering any store, and I have to stick to my list. I have to calculate as I go... so I don't end up with a cart full of things I have no money for.
The girls used their allowance to buy themselves desks, so I was proud of them for being so wise with their spending.
I think I've realized that being upfront with them about our change in finances is good for them. I've just said... "No, we don't have money for that" or "Sorry, it's not in the budget" A few times it has concerned Cori. She said "Are we going to run out of money or something?" and it gave me the opportunity to tell her that even if we had the money to spend, we really need to look at if it's worth spending it on. I feel like this budget is forcing me to stop and think about things more. I have to really consider if I want to buy something extra, and I have to consider what other things I might want to spend it on instead.
Anyways... just my own learning process. I never thought running out of olives would cause such insight in my life. I found myself mulling over a decision of whether I buy the olives... even if they aren't on sale... or wait for the sale... or just buy one can now... or buy five cans, because who knows when they'll go on sale? It's not like milk, bread or eggs! The fact is... I didn't realize what a staple olives were at our house! Olives... a luxury or a necessity?!

The kids are back in school. My baby goes to Kindergarten on Wednesday... crazy! The girls all have good teachers. School supplies only cost me an arm and a leg. SERIOUSLY! Between their individual needs, classroom cash donations, and donated classroom supplies... it added up. I need to make a note for next year, so I can set aside some extra cash.
I had great plans before school started... getting organized and ready for everything. Didn't happen. Then I imagined that as soon as the kids were gone all day... I have the house immaculate! Yeah... fat chance. I can't figure out what I'm spending all my time doing... but I have no time... and a messy house.

I ran a 5k race for Wasatch Mental Health. Heaven knows we all need better mental health! But it was a great cause and a beautiful morning up the canyon.
I've had a 'girls night out' with my old High School basketball team. And an evening on the lake with another group of fabulous women. (On a side note... I was tubing, going fast enough to flip the tube and hit the water hard enough I lost my swim bottoms! Luckily they were still around my ankles, and I was decent by the time the boat came back around.)

Life is good. I just need to pull my head out and cheer up. I think that summer ending is harder than I expected. I'll get over it, it's just a cycle I gotta get through.
When I get depressed I get mad at myself. I'm angry because I feel like being aware of my cycles should mean that I can combat it. Like I should be prepared for the battle. I get down in the dumps and look back to July and think... "how did I do all of that?" and "how was I running on 4-5 hours of sleep a day" because now I can't get enough. I force myself out of bed after 10 or 11 hours and try to get enough caffeine in me to get through the day.
But I try and put on my 'happy face'... one day at a time. Can't wait for another high.

"Good morning, Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning, which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."
(A. A. Milne...from book Winnie the Pooh)

Show me the money!

2010-08-15T10:55:00.000-06:00

Oh me, oh my!
The past couple weeks have been eye opening... pretty much a good slap in the face. I didn't think I was blowing money out of my butt, but I totally was.
I'm doing the 'cash envelope' method. So every two weeks (when Mike gets paid) I get a set amount of cash in 5 different envelopes...

Grocery
Food Storage
Household
Kids
Entertainment

We have done the cash method in the past... but not specifically divided. So things would come up and I would have a good excuse to throw my debit card at it if the cash was gone... because it wasn't 'grocery' related. I've decided that it's better to be realistic about the amounts we need in each category, or I just end up over spending anyways. Mike puts gas in the vehicles every two weeks... or more often if I've had to drive more than usual. Everything has to be categorized, or I have to pull it from somewhere else.
I started the first two weeks with regular paper envelopes... but...

I spent $3 at Wal-mart and bought an organizer... this one is the same as mine, but it's been covered in cute fabric, maybe I'll do that this week... instead of shopping.
It's nice because I can keep it all in one place, and it will hold any coupons too. The only thing I've noticed that really sucks is coin change... I have no where to put it. I thought maybe I'll just start keeping it in a jar by my bed, and when it looks like there's a good amount in there, I'll use it to treat myself with something!
As I spend the cash in each category, I put the receipt in it's place. That I way I can look back and see what I spent the money on... I also have it handy if I need to return anything.
I have surrendered all my cards... ALL OF THEM... the only plastic I get to comfort me is my pretty little Costco Card. (Which I've decided is the devil!) I'm embarrassed to admit that this is like taking away my security blanket. I feel like I'm standing naked on the street corner!
I think that shopping and eating are my challenges in this life. I wouldn't trade them for other trials or temptations... but the deeper I look into myself, the more I realize how much I comfort myself with these things. It's not healthy that a pair of new shoes can make me feel emotionally better when I'm having a bad day. Or a great deal on a new shirt can make the world a better place to live!
I wish this was an easy problem to fix. I know that like dieting, spending money will be a battle forever. Just keeping my mind in a healthy place as far as what are 'needs' and what are 'wants'.
I must say that it feels so empowering to have some control over things... this week at least. I realize there will be times that are harder than others. Expenses come up that are not planned, emergencies and such. I've already realized that there is always SOMETHING that comes up. Anything from bringing food to a party... to Lexi's toes coming through the top of her tennis shoes! There's always something! The only way to plan for the unplanned is to not spend everything in the envelopes. Those sayings about 'burning a hole in my pocket' are accurate about me... if I have it, chances are I'll spend it. Now I'm learning that my new security blanket is knowing that I HAVEN'T spent everything, and there's something there if it's needed.
So the envelopes are good. When the cash is gone... it's gone! If something else comes up it will take some thought and discussion.
My coupon clipping and bargain hunting skills are coming in handy. I just gotta keep it up! (Just like dieting!)

Knowledge of his plan

2010-08-14T23:15:00.001-06:00

It's been a tough week.
I attended a funeral for an 8 year-old boy Friday, and a baptism for an 8 year-old boy Saturday.

August 7th we had our Fife Family reunion. I helped my grandma plan, and carry out, a reunion for a grundle of us... some local, some coming from Idaho and California.
It started early, picking up things needed, taking everyone to the lake... and ended in my grandparents backyard that evening with a movie under the stars.
I decorated, set-up a bouncy house, made snow cones and cotton-candy, and truthfully I was exhausted!
Our family is the same as any other, we have our share of 'crazies'. The dynamics of different people is always interesting and I have to admit... there are people I love to see, and others I have to prepare myself to tolerate. (thank goodness for prescription drugs!)
After a crazy day, I was ready to write a post about my frustrations and vent about those family members who make me want to never attend a reunion ever again... but then all the petty and trivial issues were put into perspective.
Sunday I received a phone call that there had been an accident, and my cousin Jacob was being life-flighted to Primary Children's. A couple hours later I received the call that he had passed away.
I drove up to the hospital to pick-up my Mom and Grandma, who had been up there with my Aunt and Uncle.
Their sweet little 8 year-old had been playing in his room and accidentally got himself tangled up, and had strangled himself. The same little boy, so full of life the day before! I couldn't even imagine... it could have been one of my girls. It all seemed unreal.
When I got to the hospital, my Uncle wanted me to see him. All that could come out of my mouth was "I'm so sorry". Their pain was beyond comprehension.
My Aunt and Uncle have four boys... Jacob being the youngest. Their oldest two sons are both on missions, one in California and the other in Brazil. They are one of the closest families I've ever known.
Friday was the funeral. My cousins were both able to come home, and both spoke at the funeral. My Uncle also spoke. It was so powerful and so sad. They kept it positive, but I think that anytime you see parents having to bury a young child... it just doesn't seem fair.
My Uncle said something I will never forget. He said "I have no regrets. We laid it all on the table." And they really did. They are a family that doesn't hold anything back. Jacob knew how much he was loved! His parents and brothers showed him love everyday of his life. I really want to live my life that way. If I were to lose one of my children, I would want to be able to say that... no regrets.

My sweet nephew decided to become a member of the church today.
It was bittersweet to think that the two boys were only months apart... one now in heaven, and the other receiving the gift of the holy ghost.
Nate has been Cori and Lexi's best friends since the minute he was born! They are three pea's in a pod, and he used to call them his "grills".
I'm so proud of him, he is such a great kid!
I felt honored to be a part of this special day, and I know he will bless the lives of so many.

I just have to express my love for my Father in heaven. I don't understand why things have to happen the way they do. It doesn't make sense... I wish I could have more answers.
All I know is that I'm grateful to have the knowledge of the plan of salvation. To know that Jesus Christ died for us, so we can live again.
I know this life is not the end... that we will see our loved ones again... and what a great day that will be.
I'm so grateful to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. To live in a time when the gospel is here in it's fullness. I'm so thankful for a prophet to guide us.
I feel especially blessed to have my family... my sweet children. I don't know how long I will have them, but I'm reminded that they could return to their Heavenly Father at anytime.
I'm thankful that Cori and Lexi have chosen to be baptized, and have the desire to live righteously. I'm thankful that 'families are forever'.

The best 12 years of my life!

2010-08-11T10:28:00.000-06:00

Mike and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary... man does time fly when your having fun.
In so many ways I feel that my life really started when I met Mike. He has been my 'rock' and has taught me to love... and how to be loved. I hardly remember life without him... and yet I feel our actual wedding day was only a couple years ago.Not a week goes by without me still wondering how on earth I deserve this man!
I didn't grow up with much of an example as far as husbands and fathers are concerned. I never would have imagined that I could find someone... let alone be married to someone so amazing.Mike and I are as different as night and day, and yet we fit like two puzzle pieces. My weaknesses are his strengths and he has a way of 'handling' me... which says a ton.
I pride myself on being strong and independent. I feel the need to never 'need' or depend on anyone! Mike has a way of breaking down my walls and showing me I can depend on him.
He has taken such good care of me for the past 12 years, and given me a life I never dreamed of. He works so incredibly hard for our family, and couldn't be a better father.
He is that 'tall, dark, and handsome' man... athletic, strong, super smart, hard-working, spiritual, kind, gentle, loving... man of my dreams. Actually much better than I ever dreamed!
Mike and I have been blessed with many opportunities to travel. Over the past 10 years we have seen so much of the world together. There is not another person I would want to share those experiences with. I love spending time with Mike, just the two of us.He is my best-friend, and my eternal companion. I look forward to the years ahead... as our family grows and changes. There's nobody I'd rather grow old with.

My new quest...starting at Qwest

2010-08-02T21:17:00.003-06:00

So anyone who knows me me well, knows how hilarious this is for me. I have an idea...I have a new itch.

I've always considered myself a somewhat frugal person... well, maybe the word frugal isn't right... thrifty. I've been rather creative with saving money, especially with my home decor and clothing. I will admit that my saving money on clothes helps with the fact that I buy twice as many clothes (or four times as many) as I should. I got on a coupon kick last year and LOVE (and obsess) over saving grocery money.
So I've been inspired by so many others over the past year or so. People who have really cut back and simplified their life. I know some change comes from necessity, but I truly believe that everyone could find ways to cut back.I told Mike that starting Jan 1st 2011... I'm taking a challenge to really cut out ANY and ALL unnecessary spending. I started telling Mike all the 'fluffy stuff' we were going to go 365 days without. We've talked about everything from getting rid of TV to cutting out fountain drinks. (only the 75 cent 2 liters... don't worry, I'm not cutting soda totally out... I'm not really for that yet!)There was an Oprah re-run on Thursday that I took as my final sign. Why am I waiting until January? If I'm really going to commit... why not start with things I can change now?!I want to keep a record of everything I'm changing, goals I'm setting, and progress along with set backs. I realize this means airing a bit of our financial 'dirty laundry'. Mike and I have been real smart in some areas of our finances... but not smart in others. We are far from perfect, and I won't pretend that we have anything figured out. What seems like 'frugal living' to some may be total excess to others, this is a personal challenge I'm taking.I know the road will not be easy... I know that there will be times I breakdown... and I know there will be times I absolutely HATE it. I'm excited to see the kind of accomplishments we can achieve with some discipline and dedication!
So I'm happy to report my work today...I called Qwest this morning and talked to the nicest lady... Betsy. I told her I was looking to cut back our month-to-month expenses. She was so happy to help! She didn't try and talk me out of anything or try and sell me anything new.
(Now... first off... I will admit that I have not been involved in our family's finances. In fact, I haven't known Mike's salary for the past few years. He pays the bills and I get an allowance. The allowance works fine... except when I keep a debit card in my wallet. So this is a world I have not been a part of for a long time. I'm rather upset with myself for going all these years without being involved... but the truth is, I'm not good with managing money. But that's got to change.)
We 'bundle' with Qwest... which saves us a bit. Mike's work pays for our Internet and I was under the impression that we had the basic home phone service. We canceled long distance because we can use our cell phones... so I didn't think there was much to cut back. I was wrong.
A basic land line in Utah is $12 a month. Now add taxes...ridiculous...and it's actually $20 a month.So our $25.99 a month service (before taxes) was NOT basic. I asked for the basic package, and only added caller ID for another $9.
Betsy was awesome... and said that she could give me a couple loyalty promotions (to which I thought "what the *#$! are loyalty promotions?! and why have I not gotten any before?!!!" but it came out of my mouth to Betsy as "thank you so much!") 50% off our home phone bill for the next 4 months... AND... $30 off our TV for 3 months. (our TV is through Direct TV, but the discount comes from Qwest) WHA-HOO!

Now speaking of TV...
I called Direct TV... and I talked with Jared... who was no Betsy! He was bothered with me and kept trying to talk me out of things.
We had a package that is no longer offered, so it was a pretty good deal... but... there was still a lot we didn't need. I dropped us to the lowest package that still had ESPN and HGTV. We dropped the additional sports package (big sacrifice for Mike) and canceled the protection plan. I also stopped service on the DVR in the basement and have to send back the receiver (they send you all the stuff to send back the receiver... prepaid shipping label and all!)

Qwest home phone service: from $40.61 a month... to $29 a month Direct TV: from $99.92 a month... to $61.99 a month
Loyalty discounts: total over the next 4 months... $58 for phone and $90 for TV

GRAND TOTAL :$49.54 a month... that's $594.48 a year. And an additional $148 for... loyalty.

I'm not going to pretend that we are making huge sacrifices around here. I realize that many people live without caller ID and HGTV. I'm just cutting back the things we really don't use anyway. I was SHOCKED at the things we were paying for... things I didn't even know we had... let alone were paying for!
We still live in excess... I know that. There's lots of work to do... lots of learning.

So there it is... my progress for today.

She's crafty... she gets around... she's crafty

2010-07-31T09:52:00.003-06:00

So I wouldn't normally do this...
because there are about a zillion crafty blogs out there, and I would not ever imagine I could create anything 'blog worthy' to compete. But...
I just wanted to journal my newest turn out of my 'time saving' craft.

At first I was a bit ashamed of this, because I thought it took the thoughtfulness out of gift giving.

However I got the idea when I met Mike's mother. Anyone who knew her knows that she was about the most thoughtful person on earth. (At least that I have ever met!)
She never missed a person's birthday, she wrote a 'thank you' card for anything you ever did for her or gave to her. She was so 'on-the-ball' with that stuff I just hoped to achieve a tiny portion of it someday.
One day she told me that she had a 'gift basket' that she collected gifts for all year. She would always have gifts on hand to give. Mike said he remembered someone coming to the door with a gift for her, and she'd say "Just a minute..." and arrive back seconds later with a gift to give in return.

Like I said... some people might think it is impersonal... but I have found that I actually give a lot more, and can be more thoughtful, because I don't have the overwhelming task of running to the store every time I think of someone.

So I started picking up small gifts and getting enough on had to feel prepared for those unexpected moments. It truly is much more cost effective and very efficient.
One of my favorite places is Pioneer Party in Lehi. I went in for the first time about three years ago and now I visit a few times a year. They have the funnest and cutest assortment of gifts, and I get tons of ideas to go home and make things. (for about 1/3 of what I could buy them there!)

So I needed a couple gifts last week and decided to spend the day stocking up... making tags, wrapping, and putting together small gifts for my 'gift basket'. These are a few of my favorite...

My sis-in-law made me one year's worth of Visiting-Teaching-message-holders last year (two for each month) so that I can print out a quote, get a small treat, and throw it in one of these envelopes...

Now I just have to do better at being a consistent Visiting Teacher :(

She makes the absolute cutest gift tags, cards, and just about everything... she even sells them around Christmas. That's Talent!

So there you go... my secret is out! Hopefully this doesn't discredit my gifts... I hope all my loved ones know I still care about and think about them just as much (or more) than the rest... I'm just trying to simplify my life so I can try and be a better person!

Bear Lake 2010

2010-07-29T13:18:00.004-06:00

So we had our annual Bear Lake trip this past week. This year we had "the house" at the resort. Since we are getting so big... 20 of us were there... we got a little house all to ourselves.
We arrived on Saturday and got settled. That night the girls and Mike went swimming at the pool. The kids had a blast and wore themselves out.
The next day we went to church. Church is always an experience there. It's such a popular vacation spot, and sacrament is PACKED. If we don't go 30 minutes early, we end up in the primary or relief society room watching on an old television. It's like Stake Conference... but nice and short. This past week was 'raspberries days' and the 24th of July weekend. It was quite busy!

Then we decided to hike the Minnetonka Cave. We weren't able to hike Timp, so this was a fun cave to visit. Cori wanted to be a Geologist when she grows up, so she was fascinated by everything. It's kind of funny that we've gone to Bear Lake for the last 9 years and never visited. I'm really glad we went! (I just wish I could find a patch for the girls packs)

Monday we spent the day at the Lake. We got down there early and had a great spot. The morning and afternoon was nice and sunny. The air stayed cooler the entire trip... so it never got really hot. In the later afternoon a pretty big storm came through.
Lexi tried to ski, but a big storm kicked up. I'm not sure I could have even skied in those swells!
I braved the cold weather and went out in the lake to help her. (In my wetsuit, of course!) She's so awesome for even having the guts to get out and try in that weather.

Mike took the waverunner in and about died in the storm. In hindsight we should have just pulled it up on the shore and called it good. Luckily he made it safe.
The kids swam again that night at the pool... all the playing made for great little sleepers!

Tuesday was great weather. The kids tubed and got their fill of the Lake before we headed home that evening.

It was a fun... and busy... trip! I'm very grateful for the opportunities we've had this summer, but I'm so happy to be home, and not going anywhere for a while.

Bountiful Baskets

2010-07-21T12:13:00.004-06:00

I found a new co-op...

Bountiful Baskets

It's 1/2 fruits and 1/2 veggies. No meat... but I was struggling with the different cuts of meat from the other co-op. (I guess we are boring 'chicken breast' people!)
It's every other week instead of once a month. The food lasted two weeks, so it worked out just right.
There are options every month to buy other things... fresh salsa, tamales, flats of berries, bushels of fruit and more. Most come in quantities to share. If anyone is every interested, I would love to share some things!

Nothing better than cheap and healthy!

Camping is intense... in tents

2010-07-18T22:14:00.001-06:00

We spent the weekend up the canyon with Mike's siblings.
I haven't been sleeping well, so I went on a walk both mornings as soon as the sun came up. The first morning I walked with Lexi, and the second I walked by myself. There is nothing better than the mountains and everything being quiet. So peaceful! All I could hear was the river and birds. I wish I could start everyday that way!
This picture puts into perspective how huge the mountains around this campsite are...We got up there Friday evening and set up camp. After putting the kiddos to bed, we stayed up late talking.It's always great to visit with Mike's family... lots of great laughs... Bushman's childhood memories... Norm-isims... and memories. Since Mike doesn't remember his childhood (seriously) I think he especially loves being reminded of the great times he had growing up.We planned lots of activities for the kidlets... but as always, playing in the dirt and torturing ants seemed to be the best thing to occupy them.

They went on a scavenger hunt, made tie-died bandanas, made snack necklaces, did the Jr. Ranger workbooks, and there was a great family water fight!

We got laughs for our monstrous tent... and I gave Greg a hard time about his new portable condo... oh, I mean trailer. (So fancy pants!)
We kind of cheated on Saturday, came down the canyon for shaved ice and spent a bit in Greg and Anita's freezer box (aka their house) But we headed back up for another great evening around the fire.
It was a great weekend with fun people, awesome food, and fun times. I can't wait to do it again soon!

Sophie's Birthday

2010-07-14T09:44:00.000-06:00

So my sweet little Sophie turned 5. (Not to be selfish, but my baby turning 5 was quite a kicker for me!)

It's crazy to think that it wasn't that long ago when she was my 'stinker' who I struggled with on a daily basis. Her strong personality and stubbornness was just as dominant as mine... and the combination was difficult. But through some love, parenting books, workbooks, and class... and many prayers... she has changed dramatically over the past months!She is now my most sensitive child! She is so sweet and loving. She needs to be treated 'with care' and mimics the tone I take with her. So... if I am patient and loving towards her? She is patient and loving right back to me! It has been a wonderful year for her and for me.

She has taught me so much as a mother. I've always believed that she came to this earth pre-programmed with the knowledge of how to push all my buttons. Now I look at her and see a spirit who was probably my best friend in heaven. We are so much alike, and she has such a spunky little spirit! I feel so blessed to have her in our family.She had her '5 year-old friend party' this year. Since my kiddos only get friend parties at 5, 8, 12, and 16... this is a pretty big deal.

I really wanted to keep a tight budget for the event, and I was shocked at how far I stretched my $100 dollar goal. I'm obsessed with HGTV, so when they 'design on a dime' it gives me warm fuzzies! I tend to get the same fuzzies when I use my coupons, get a good deal, or save money.
The theme was 'Sophie's Carnival' and I made some digital invites (no envelopes). So here's the breakdown...
Invites: free
Bouncy House: free
Trampoline: free
Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game :$0.99
Snow Cone Machine: free (given to Lexi for her birthday 2 years ago)
Snow Cone Syrup: free leftovers
Ice: $3.50
Capri Suns: $8.00
Corn Dogs:$9.50
Soft Pretzels: $8.50
Nacho cheese: $6.00
Cotton Candy Machine (rental): $55.00
Face Painting: free
and of course... the Hose: FREE
Grand total... $91.49

It was a ton of fun, and all the kids were great! Cori and Lexi were awesome helpers, and they loved helping with organize the kids games.

I learned that not all children love silly string as much as I do, boys will get their face painted if it's a mean animal or there can be blood involved, I don't have any shade in my backyard, and a hose makes ANY game cooler! (literally)

That night for our family party, Sophie opened gifts from us. She got new clothes for Kindergarten, and told me last night when I was tucking her in "Mom... all my presents are very important to me.... even the clothes are important to me." Goodness I love that kidlet!

Subdued

2010-07-12T08:47:00.000-06:00

Subdued: (adjective) lacking in vitality, intensity, or strength

This would be the word I could use to define myself more recently. I feel like I'm going through the motions... not necessarily unhappy or not content... just subdued.
I've been living on an average of 5 hours of sleep these days. Feeling like life is moving forward and I'm not quite present. I'm here, just not fully engaged. If my life were a painting I would be in muted watercolors... somewhere in the background. I feel transparent.
The strange thing is that it hasn't made me any less productive. In fact, waking up earlier than normal (and not being able to go back to sleep) has helped me get things done. I'm moving forward... but it's as if I'm a passenger.
I have busy weeks, busy days, and July is a crazy busy month. Maybe I will feel normal when things slow down a bit.
I do worry that my new philosophy of "fake it till you make it" is taking a toll. Being happy on the surface, putting a smile on, or just giving off the impression that everything is fine is supposed to get me through the time until it is all true.
All my laundry is clean... just sitting on the couches. Besides that... my house mimics my feelings. Everything seems okay on the surface, just don't look too hard.

Writing is my struggle against silence. Do I stay silent? I can try... but sometimes I have to write.

I want to fix it. I want to fix me, but I want to fix the things around me that I have no control over. In looking back, the last few years feel like a decade. The past 6 months feel like years and years.
So much has changed... my relationships with people, my feelings about family, my circle of friends, my testimony of the gospel, my faith... in people and myself. Some things have gotten better, and some have taken a turn in maybe a wrong direction.
So what happened?
I can remember a time... not that long ago... when I was in a real good place. A place with friends, a calling that I loved, I was loving myself... accepting myself. What happened? How did life take a turn... after all, I am the driver! (not a passenger)
I told Mike that I feel like I'm being punished. Punished maybe by God, by people who have abilities to help me, by some family, and by some friends... and truthfully by myself I guess.
There is a soft chair in my therapists office.. it's been calling my name for months. I just keep thinking things will get better. Accepting that they won't, feels like giving up.
So what the hell happened? I don't know.
I recently had an experience that took me backwards. I once again felt betrayed and mostly confused as to how I got in the situation. After trying so hard to move forward, I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I'm not progressing... emotionally, mentally.
It's not like I have a horrible life. It's not like I have the struggles I see others going through. The fact is that my struggles and challenges cannot be seen. Which is why I feel the need to fake it. If my loss of faith in people showed as a monetary loss... or my feelings of betrayal were open wounds... or maybe if my pain were big scars on the outside of my body, it might be easier to deal with? or easier to get over?
For a long time I was scared of happiness. I didn't ever want to become comfortable. It was scary to let my guard down, because so much of my life was just surviving. I like chaos... it makes me feel safe. So I guess I grew comfortable over the past years. I let my guard down... let people in... trusted. I got complacent and my life became still. Now I'm trying to build up some type of safety net again. And as much as I'd like to give people the "benefit of the doubt" I've been knocked so far from what I thought I knew.
I can say that I'm not angry with God, we actually have gotten rather close. Mike and I are as close as ever, and I adore my children. Should that be enough? Am I reaching for things that shouldn't matter?
I used to believe the saying that when "God closes a door, he opens a window". I don't think that God closes doors on us. People close doors. And we can open a window... if we can find it. I just need to find my window before I lose myself in this room.

I'm so tired of disappointments.

Sand Hollow

2010-07-12T08:09:00.001-06:00

So we ventured away from Flaming Gorge this year and opted for some warmer water. I am a real pansy when it comes to cold water, so I made a push to try something new.
Everyone teases us and call our tent the Taj Mahal... whatever!

(yes... this is Mike cooking our brawts with pliers... improvising!)

We got down there on Wednesday afternoon and set up our tent. It was quite warm, but cooled off when the sun set.We spent the next few days enjoying the 'red rock' and red sand. It was great! I thought the sand would stain everything but it didn't at all!

Addi collected shells!

Cori made some wicked cool drip castles!

The water was a whopping 77 degrees... I was tickled! One thing though... we pulled up and there was a nice sign that said "Swimmer's itch is ACTIVE" Fantastic! Mike and I just busted up laughing. Pretty much, there's a parasite that lives in the water. Less than 7% of people get it... up to 72 hours of itch, hives, etc. Luckily... we were part of the 93% who didn't have a problem!

Lexi and Cori both tried water-skiing. Lexi was determined to get up... but couldn't get skis legs to stay together. She was so close! I think by the end of summer she'll have it!
The kids tubed and played on the beach all day. Mike and I played on the Honda and I water skied. We threw the football and just relaxed. I LOVE the water... there's nothing better than a beach!
Lyssa says it all here! The last night there we had crazy wind. The Taj Mahal collapsed on us and we ended up in a dive hotel at midnight. Can't complain about a $60 room! We tried 5 hotels... all were booked!
So the Taj Mahal already had a duct taped pole... but I'm afraid it's going to be deemed uninhabitable. It was a good tent... it's been a good ride!

Viva Las Vegas

2010-07-02T23:42:00.009-06:00

We opted for a little vacation in Las Vegas to visit our dearest Dad/Hubby.

The girls were so patient with me... considering I wasn't the most patient with them. I haven't been sleeping well lately (4 hours of sleep), so I was doing my best to stay awake. I had to crank up the AC and blast my iPod. The girls only got to watch 3/4 of a movie the entire trip down.
I felt the need to prep the girls a bit before arriving in 'Sin City'. I don't realize how much of a bubble we live in, until we go somewhere with naked women everywhere you look.So the girls and I had a nice discussion about gambling, drinking alcohol, sex/nudity... even prostitution. It was a rather blunt, to-the-point discussion of what and why.
It was so hilarious to me that as I'm trying to make sense of why people throw away their money and make fools of themselves... Cori is helping me describe things. I was trying to explain gambling and she interrupts my childish sentence of "winning much less than losing"with PROBABILITY. "Yes... thank you Cori". Then I move on to naked women and the visuals of showgirls and she interjects INAPPROPRIATE and IMMODEST, stating "a lack of self-respect and self-esteem". Seriously?! Who's child is this?!
The sun was setting as we drove through the beautiful Arizona canyon. I had to pull of the exit... the only exit... and take a picture of the girls.
When we came up over the hill, Vegas was shining like the sunrise! I had the greatest little commentary right behind me. Sophie was snoring, sound asleep... then all of a sudden I hear "WOW! It's so bright and beautiful!" then a second later there were fireworks right off the freeway. "It must be a party here!!!" I seriously had to tell her to stop yelling at least ten times. She stated that she wanted "to stay here forever!" and she LOVED the "city of lights!" Honestly, she should do commercials for the visitors bureau... she'd do well.
We got to the Mandalay Bay and found our handsome geek... the hotel was full of geeks, but none as tall, dark, and handsome as mine! The girls absolutely loved our room and we got settled in. The views from our living area were amazing!

Here's a pic from Mike and I's room... of the pools... it was beautiful at night!
We had two separate bedrooms and bathrooms, a living room, dining room, and kitchenette.
My problem was that the first 5 hour energy drink I took didn't work... but the second one sure did!

The next day was a hot one! How hot you ask?! Wait...wait for it... 108 degrees. Ouch! We swam. That about sums the day up... swimming, more swimming, then a little swimming. What else do you do when it's 108 degrees? Lazy River, Wave Pool, etc. Fabulous.

The next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were the same. 108 to 109 degrees everyday. I have only one word in response to that... Swimming.

We had movie nights in the hotel room. Manicures, pedicures, and way too much junk food! It was some good girl bonding time.

I'm realizing that Cori is getting old. She doesn't have a 'full blown' attitude, but I get a sneak peek now and then. It usually comes out of nowhere... and involves a sassy facial expression. I saw it more then ever on this trip. I don't know if it's because she was being herded around with more kids than anyone else had. (There were very few kids there... but four of them in the same place was like a novelty. People pointed. I wanted to ask if they'd never seen a children before... or if in an intoxicated state maybe they couldn't remember what a child was?) Cori was treated like a baby, which I'm sure was annoying. Considering anyone under the age of 21 was a child... a 10 year-old is practically an infant!

Mandalay Beach was great. The only pool over 4 feet deep was the wave pool. It was perfect for kids. Unfortunately we didn't make it to the topless/adult only pool... but I'm curious to know if that pool was deeper. Can the general population not swim? Well, maybe they've found that silicon breast don't work as the best flotation devises.

Halfway through the trip we decided to take on a project. We wanted to search the beach and hotel for shapes that resemble letters... specifically the letters LAS VEGAS. (I've been wanting to do this for a few years now... tried to explain it at camp once, but people just look at me like I'm crazy... which is not far fetched.) I've always thought it'd be a great souvenir, combining pictures and the name of the vacation. You could also do it up in the mountains and spell your name. Eventually I would LOVE a collection of letters from all over the US and beyond. I think that would be cool. Anyways... here are our results...
It was a great trip... fun times and memories with the girlies. The only 'sin' we witnessed?... sizzling human flesh. I'll take my Utah weather and quit complaining.

Yee Haw!

2010-06-25T22:02:00.002-06:00

I was able to attend the rodeo this year with my girlfriends. It was a ton of fun! One of our friends kept rating the cowboys on their level of attractiveness. Forget their skills and riding... why aren't they getting points for how they look doing it all? Seriously, Sarah never disappoints. It was kind of like a stinky Miss America pageant. The commentary was fantastic!

Of course my favorite part of the rodeo is the halftime show... the Canadian motorcycle dudes. It get such a rush watching them take those big jumps! I can't get enough. Although I was a bit sad... I think the ramps were off, because there was discussion among them... then no flips. That's okay. I'll just be that much more excited to see them next year!
Ride 'em cowboys!

Happy Birthday Lex!!!

2010-06-24T10:28:00.004-06:00

My sweet Lexi Louski Miss MaGooski turned 9 yesterday!
You know when your kids are little and older ladies say "Enjoy every minute with your kids... they grow up so fast!" ? Well, I was a person who had 4 kidlets in 5 years and couldn't help wondering if the day would ever come when I wouldn't have to change diapers! Well... it's so true... my kids are growing up WAY too fast!Lexi turning 9 blows my mind! I swear she was born a couple years ago.
Lexi was such an easy baby, and I was so thankful! She was a 'surprise' and the timing of her coming to our family was a challenge. Shortly after she was born I knew why she needed to be here when she did.She was the third and last grandchild Mike's mom was able to enjoy before she passed away. She was (and still is) a lot like her Grandma-in-heaven. Her face structure, her beautiful dark hair, her full heart, her ability to love unconditionally, and her quiet and soft-spoken manner.
She was Cori's best friend the minute she was born! Her and Cori were the cutest little peas in a pod.Lexi is so creative and loves making things. She has amazing artistic abilities and has a gift for writing and storytelling.
This past year her teacher was constantly telling me how impressed she was with her. She has unbelievable cursive writing and amazing projects.She was at a basketball camp last week where she came in first place in 'speed'! She's a defensive wonder... like glue on her opponent!
I just love her sweet and sensitive heart. Even if her sensitivity makes life a little more difficult... I pray she stays that way.
Happy Birthday Lex... thanks for everything you bring to our family! I can't imagine my life without your sweetness in it!

Oh happy day!

2010-06-21T12:37:00.005-06:00

Oh happy day!
I have a computer! I can check my email... in less than 10 minutes! I have pictures of my favorite people...... I cannot express how grateful I am to have all my pics in one place again. I feel like I've got so much to catch up on. I might just randomly post pictures... it will feel so good!
Mike went to scout camp last week, we get him home for a bit... then lose him again for a while. We had the 'overview' conversation last night as we were going to bed. Sure enough, we are busy with stuff EVERYDAY he is home. Bummer!
I have a situation I want to vent about, but I'm really trying my darndest to hold off a bit. It has to do with construction... my basement flooding... lots of money... way too much time... and a serious idiot. I've been trying to look at the positive aspects of the situation, and I want to wait until it is complete before I decide how I feel about it. If only it could be completed?! In what world does 1 1/2 weeks mean 4 weeks?!!!
On a brighter note... I LA-LA-LOVE SUMMER!!!No seriously, words cannot describe the happiness I have for this season. Today is officially the first day of it, and I want to scream it from the rooftops!
I LOVE having my kids home, spending all day together. Sleeping in, eating fruit, turning my ceiling fans on, opening all my windows at night... I feel like Julie Andrews "these are a few of my favorite things!"
My dear friend introduced us to the best swimming pool in the valley.
We are forever thankful to her! Ironically, we went on Friday and she was there... kinda funny.
I went to the Parade of Homes, my very most favorite birthday gift every year! I saw a couple of houses this year I'll never forget. Great ideas... now I just need the money.
Father's Day was wonderful! We were just happy to have a Father on Father's Day. Usually he's out-of-town for work, so we were happy to have him home. As a kid/teenager... we didn't go to church on Father's Day. (It was a boycotted holiday) So I must admit it's been nice to look forward to celebrating Mike every year. He's an amazing Dad, and loves his girls beyond measure. We are so lucky to have him!

*Just a little nugget...
This morning Sophie came into my room as I was taking off my pajamas. She paused, looked at me and said "Mom, I want to watch you get dressed... but don't worry, I won't laugh at you!" Wow... thanks. "That's nice of you" was my response. Nothing like some fresh honesty to get the morning started!

Missing Pictures & our "hop-a-long"

2010-06-09T22:20:00.001-06:00

I want to whine about this every time I post... so this may be my last opportunity. My computer crashed quite a while back. I've spent way too many hours trying to decide how I want to replace it. PC or MAC, desktop or laptop, sizes of screens, and so forth. I want to get something I love... so I didn't want to rush into anything.
Meanwhile, I've been making due on a piece of #%*! that raises my blood pressure every time I think about using it.
The pictures I've taken have all sat on the memory cards... because I can't put them anywhere. I finally had Mike clear a card by putting all the pics on his work computer... only to leave the card at home for Addi's graduation. Apparently my camera has some sort of internal memory, so I got a few pictures before I was out of memory and opened it up to see the card missing. Then I got home to put put the card in... formatted it... and lost the few pictures I DID get. Hopefully I'll get them from another Mom.
I'm afraid I'll hit a point of frustration and anger and I'll go by anything at this point. But I've done my research and I think I know what I'd like.
The good part is... after going so many months with Microsoft Word, photo editors, any image editor, and all my fonts... I will so greatly appreciate those things again. I'll be so grateful when I can pull up web pages without wondering if the computer will need to re-boot. I will however miss the time laps when checking emails... which has given me time to use the bathroom or get a drink waiting for my emails to open.
I feel like I'll need to post missed pictures for the rest of the year! Pictures of Miami, Addi's soccer games, graduations, summer fun, Sophie's purple cast, and so much more.
*Sophie's cast*
Sophie landed wrong when she was jumping on the trampoline. She was complaining that she couldn't walk. Being the compassionate parents we are... she was told she'd be in big trouble if her Dad had to go outside and carry her in.
After bringing her inside... I continued to tell her not to whine, to walk it off, and repeated "you're fine!". I figured she was just tired and told her she just needed to go to bed for the night. She was still whining about it, so I gave her some Motrin.
Well...
Early the next morning she came scooting into our bedroom on her hands and knees. I picked her up onto my bed and saw her ankle was swollen beyond belief. Oops... Mother of the year award!
To make it worse, Mike needed to get to work, and I was obligated to go into the school for Lexi's teacher to go to a luncheon. I ran to the school while Mike worked from home. As soon as I was done I took her to the doc. He did x-rays and said that her couldn't tell if it was broken or not. He was mainly concerned with the lack of space between the growth plates. He didn't have a walking boot small enough for her, so he made a splint. We set up an appointment with a ortho/sports specialist at UVRMC.
It took Sophie about 1/2 the day to get used to her splint... then she was running again. I had to keep telling her to "stop running", "get off the trampoline", and "be careful"!
The Orthopedic Specialist was fantastic! It had been a week and the swelling had not gone down much... then again, I couldn't get Sophie to even sit still long enough to give it a chance. She did more x-rays and said it was a "level 2" fracture, she buckled it, and had was was called a "greenstick" break. They are optimistic about the growth plates, so we will wait and see. The Dr. said with the swelling, and the fact that she runs on it everyday... they needed to put her in a cute purple 'waterproof' cast.
It has not slowed her down a bit. She has not complained once! I've tried different methods at the pool and lake to try and keep it clean. Duck tape. Plastic bags. Saran Wrap. Some of the Mom's at the pool gave me dirty looks... but it is a waterproof cast!
They are going to take off the cast and do another set of x-ray's on the 15th. Happy summer!

Crazy... busy... and then some!

2010-05-26T09:30:00.007-06:00

The crazy craziness of life has been pulling me every which way. I've wanted to sit down and write so many times... then something happens and I can't.
I have so much to write and back date, but until then I think I'd better get it all down or I'll forget. So here's the scoop...
Last week of April to First week of May I had my sister's kidlets. It was their 10 year anniversary, so we got to play for a week. It was crazy to realize how much my life has changed, forgetting what's it's like to plan around naps, and changing diapers. I also have forgotten how much fun it is to have a little person running around. Babbling the sweetest nonsense... it was music to my ears! She'd cuddled with me in the morning, and gave me kisses all day long. I forgot how great it was!Addi started playing soccer. Love that girl... but she is the least athletic child I've had the pleasure of knowing. I was SO happy she wanted to play a sport... ANY sport! She started out the season barely being able to run up and down the field a few times, getting nowhere NEAR the ball. Mike, (being the wonderful man he is) told her he'd give her a quarter every time she kicked the ball. It was a great plan! She immediately became interested in the ball, which direction it was going, and had the desire to kick it. About 10 more minutes into the game the opportunity came and she gave it a kick. She kicked it, then came running over towards all the parents on the sideline (as the game continues) and yells "You owe me a quarter!!" I said "Go finish playing the game!" Our parenting skills... or bribery skills... were now the knowledge of all the parents and grandparents at that game. We got laughed at pretty hard. (But it worked!)
Sophie had her K-days Doctor appointment. She weighs 42 lbs, is 45 inches tall, passed her vision and hearing test, got 5 shots... a cookie and chocolate milk. I think she'll resent me for the 5 shots her entire life. She was NOT happy!Mother's Day was on the 9th... it deserves it own post... so I'll get that later. I got to hold my niece for he first time, and the girls got to see her outside of the hospital. She is an angel!
Sadly... Sophie's dry skin had a bad flare start on her scalp, so I took her back into the Doctor's (just a few days after her K-days appointment). Then we went back AGAIN a few more days later for an injury... but I'll get to that in a minute.
A good friend of mine is adopting a baby girl... so I went to an amazing shower for her. I'm so excited for her! She's got two adorable boys, and this little girl will be so loved and adored. It's so great to see her prayers answered. She is a fantastic Mom and an inspiring woman!
That same night I had some friends over for a recipe group I started a couple months ago. We had just began when my phone rang. Quite a few people were too sick to come, and one of them was calling to tell me not to drink the water. "What?" I asked. "Don't drink the water! The Health Department says our water is what's making everyone so sick!" I turn around to see my pitchers of ice water being enjoyed... CRAP! Needless to say, there wasn't a great turnout that night... the Fire department started going door-to-door, and the church had to organize help to spread the words as quickly as possible.
It explained a lot! People had been so sick. They had canceled Lexi's Activity Days that week. The members of our ward were all sick... and everyone thought it was spreading like wildfire. I had taken pride in my 'hand sanitizing' skills because we had not really been sick. Lexi had complained of 'the runs' about the same time I noticed some stomach cramping... but I contributed mine to menstrual issues. I figured Lexi had eaten too much sugar, or too much fruit!
It was really scary to think we were drinking it! We had a strict 'boil order' starting that Thursday night. It was lifted Sunday... but they still don't know why it happened or what caused it. The water smells so heavily of chlorine now, I still can't drink it! We are flying through our bottled water storage... but I guess it's good that we rotate it, right?!
The next night, Friday, I went to the Dance recital of a friend of mine. She was my close friend in 7th and 8th grade. We were little 'hellions' and experienced a lot of life in those couple of years. We had so much fun (too much fun) together, and some of those memories are the best I've had! After 8th grade, I started playing basketball, another friend joined Student Council, and we all kind of went our separate ways. Her and I went to different High Schools... and I didn't see her for 15 or more years. Well... last year we found each other through blogging! It's been so wonderful to catch up on each others lives. Husbands, kids, good times and hard times. She is an awesome person, and I love her dearly!
She invited me to her dance concert, and it was so fun to go! I was so proud of her, doing something she loves, enjoying herself, and developing her talents. She was a great dancer in Jr. High, and I wished I had her skills. So many women grow older and lose themselves. We get caught up our kids, and developing their talents, and seem to lose our own in the process. It was inspiring to watch her... I just love her!
The next morning... that's right, Saturday... the girls and I participated in a special Serving with Smiles celebration. Serving with Smiles is a humanitarian group I joined at the beginning of this year. I get to be a project director and help children do service projects for other children in the world.
This experience deserves it own post as well. But in summary, Jenny Phillips came to talk to the kids and tell them how wonderful their service is. She personally delivered some of our projects during her music touring. She sat with me and tied fleece blankets, we visited for a bit and she talked with Cori and Lexi. We got a picture with her and she gave all the kids her CD. She sang them a special song she had just written about how others "need us" and the things we are doing. It was a fantastic day, and Jenny's testimony is so strong! I told Mike... she could have been any friend or neighbor... but some day the girls will realize how special that experience truly was.
May 17-21 was Teacher Appreciation Week. Lexi's class had a Room Rep that moved the week before, so she called me to finish up the year. I just had to run with it... she didn't have any info, or things planned for me... it was a whirlwind week, but I tried me best to pull it together! We had little gifts each day, and on Friday we secretly sent her on an errand while we decorated her classroom. We had a surprise party, and watched a video I made for her. The video had all the kids telling her how much they loved this school her and what a great teacher she is. It worked out... whew!
Thursday of that week (May 20th) we attended a City Council meeting... my first. It was crazy! We were getting information about the Mtn. View Corridor, and a collector on/off ramp in our neighborhood. People were so passionate and really angry! I saw a different side of people I thought I knew. I am all for a good debate, and there are definitely times for one. But... I guess I saw it as an opportunity to get the correct information, ask any questions, and find out the best outlet to express my concerns... whether it be a vote, a letter, a phone call, etc. Some saw it as an opportunity to yell at our councilmen and call them names, make jokes, and disagree with their neighbors. Slander should be saved for neighborhood gossip, right?
I found it very informative, and was able to see the proposed project from the views of the State, the City, and from the other neighbors who are in favor of the project. It was fascinating to get all the info. Truthfully, I wouldn't dare express my opinion to anyone for fear of my house being egged... or being tarred and feathered.
By the time this project is completed, I will not have to worry about children playing outside or walking to school. I will have teenage daughters driving! The fact is... we cannot stop the growth... what we can do is ensure our city is prepared for it. OBVIOUSLY, the transportation we currently have is proof that there was little to no planning for the growth we have today. We cannot complain about the roads, wish for better transportation options... and not consider the plans currently on the table. Anyway... moving on...The next night was Cori's choir concert. She was such a fabulous 'little maid', and sang her heart out! They put on the cutest performance, and I was happy that we all got to come watch. Lexi will get to be in the choir next year, and is so excited.
The following Monday was Sophie's last day of Pre-school. I could probably write for hours about how great this year has been for Sophie. Her teacher was literally sent from heaven! Sophie has been my greatest joy and greatest challenge as a parent. This teacher was so amazing, and so perfect for Sophie's needs. Words cannot express how pleased I am! Sophie is ready for Kindergarten... and excited to learn. She's already reading and writing, she does math and can articulate her desire for help. I would have NEVER thought she could be in such a great place!
That night we visited Grandma Bushman. She has been in need of visitors everyday, so we have taken a few days a month to check in on her. It was a rather eventful night... Mike had to mow her lawn (it was out-of-control) and we found her basement flooded. She tried to pay Mike $5 for mowing... and was upset when he wouldn't take it! She called Uncle Don to come look at the basement. She kept calling me LaVerne and called Mike... Gary. She is so sweet, and I don't think she'll be with us much longer. I'm so grateful we have a chance to enjoy some one-on-one time with her. We bring KFC or hamburgers (they are her favorite) and have dinner and visit.
Tuesday (last night) was Addi's last soccer game. If there was an award for the 'most improved' she would have definitely be in the running! It was so fun to watch her fall in love with this sport. I guess that means I better learn how it's played... and possibly put aside my basketball and volleyball dreams for her. She said she wants to play in the fall, and I'm so happy she's happy!
Whew.... (deep breath)... so school is out in two days!! Summer is my absolute favorite time of year. I can't wait to have my girls home everyday! I'm sure things will stay busy... but as long as it's FUN busy I'm good with it.
Signing off.

Balance

2010-04-19T22:32:00.001-06:00

A person who is very close to me has been going through a harder time lately, suffering with anxiety and such. She is an amazing woman... and she sets a very high standard for herself. She is a great wife, and amazing mother, a good friend, she fulfills her calling to the max, she gardens, she cooks, she keeps an immaculate house... I could go on and on.
We were having a conversation about these struggles, and the difficulty in trying to keep up with all of it. She has had children... and with each child it has gotten harder and harder to keep up. In my infinite wisdom I found that my advise to her, or at least what I think might work for me, is simply "letting go". As I elaborated on specifics... I found this phrase escaping my lips... "I just lowered my expectations". I still don't know why I thought I was qualified to attempt advise in the first place!
I've thought a lot about this over the past few weeks, rather disappointed in myself. Conference Sunday shortly followed, and I listened to quite a few fantastic talks. Talks that addressed specific issues I've been having about feeling inadequate, or feeling like I just can't do it all. Those are the talks that help me feel of self-worth and make me realize that the Lord is pleased with my efforts. Then, there are also the talks that make me wonder if I'm not doing what I should, I should be able to do more. I'm not the good 'mormon wife and mother' I should be. I feel that voice inside my head "You are not trying hard enough, if other women can do these things... so should you!"

Why is it that as a Mom... and really as a woman... no matter what I do, I feel like it's not enough? I should be doing more!

As I lay my head on my pillow, besides being exhausted, I run through a never-ending mental list of my weaknesses. Tomorrow I will eat better... tomorrow I will read with Sophie... I'll clean my bathroom... I'll clean out my car... tomorrow I'll be nicer to my kids in the morning... tomorrow I'll get to the store and find the book I've told Cori I would get her three weeks ago... tomorrow I'll get dinner ready before 8pm... I'll do better at feeding my kids healthier foods... I need to call my Sister... I need to visit my Grandma... I need to be a better friend, I'll call a friend tomorrow... I need to get my yard work done... I'm running out of time to plant my lettuce... Tomorrow I'll get my office organized... I'll return those emails... I'll post something on my blog... and on and on and on.
It's not that I don't want to improve myself, I just want to have a moment at the end of a day where I feel... good. I feel accomplished, and I don't beat myself up, but feel like I gave it my all and my 'all' really was good enough.
Balance. I've got to find a balance. I have to listen to the spirit, and let it comfort me. Instead of treating that comfort like a compliment... one that I shrug off, and think "whatever" or "you wouldn't compliment me if you saw the whole picture."
So I think I can say that it's not "lowering standards" but "finding balance" that can save my own sanity! Balance in terms of knowing what to keep balancing... and what to drop. Clean house?... dropped! Getting skinny?... dropped! Dinner?... something from the freezer! Garden?... there are other sources of vegetables, my family won't starve!

Spring Break... South Beach

2010-04-14T12:10:00.008-06:00

I was recently asked a serious question from a rather concerned person in my life. He asked "Do you and Mike get to date at all, or spend any time together?" I honestly thought it was a joke at first... but he was very serious. I had to respond with "Ummm... yeah. If anything... we probably spend too much time together." He insisted there wasn't such a thing, but sometimes I think we are pushing it. Needless to say, Mike and I enjoy each other quite a bit. We both love our girls! But, we find that spending time alone together has made us better spouses, better parents... and all around happier people. I'm not sure where the travel bug came from, my Mom left us maybe twice in the entire time growing up. And Mike's parents were the same. Sometimes I worry that it will negatively affect my kidlets, and when I hear other Moms talk about how hard it is to leave... I wonder if something in me is broken. Anyway, we do get away quite a bit. Probably more than most, but I dare say there are other things I could be doing to screw up my kids than showing them how much I adore and love to spend time with their father!
Mike and I took a break from our 'spring break' this year. We decided to venture to warmer weather and get some r&r... alone. It was just what we both needed to decompress from the winter weather and the winter season.
The girls went to my Grandparents house... and were spoiled rotten. Literally... it's a good thing that a week of sugar and inadequate teeth brushing is somewhat reversible! Addi lost another tooth while they were there. She said to me "I heard that if you don't brush your teeth... all your teeth will start falling out!" It took some convincing to ease her out of that panic. (And I felt bad for threatening her with that little nugget of knowledge)We dropped the girls off Sunday night, and left for the airport at 3:30am the next morning. We had a connection in Denver, then arrived in Miami that afternoon. I found a trendy hotel on South Beach that looked fun. Our room was divine... it was rather spacious with a kitchenette.We planned nothing... not a thing! We slept until 11am, put on swimsuits and went to the beach until 6pm, then we walked up and down Collins/Ocean Dr. to find a hot spot for dinner. Repeated three days in a row... same times, same order. It was fabulous!
A nice memory... One afternoon on the beach, they were filming a music video. I quickly realized that I'm not cool... because I took pictures of the singers/rappers... but I had no clue who the guys were. They were singing, while almost naked women danced around them... original idea for a music video. They got some of the women around the beach that day to be in the shoot. I was shocked when the producer didn't come over and hand pick me! There I was, in all my glory... Really long 'Mormon Mom' tankini... with swim skirt.(I had most of the stretchmarks and cellulite covered... I think) SPF 50 slathered all over my super hot body... that gave birth to 4 children in under 6 years. Reading my popular 'young adult' book. Lying completely under the shade of my umbrella. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Trying to hide the growing drool spot on my towel. But apparently I wasn't the type they were looking for. I would've looked awesome on MTV... in HD... on a 70 inch flatscreen. But whatever, it's their video!

Then we hopped on a cruise ship. At dinner the first night we met a really nice couple, Tony and Sarah. I would say a 'young couple'. But they are my age, in fact they were celebrating Tony's 30th birthday. But like anywhere outside of Utah... they met at the end of college, lived together for a few years, got married 2 years ago, and haven't had kids... probably won't even plan on thinking about it for another few years! So to me it kinda felt like either they were barely 20 and we were our true ages... or they were both their true ages, and we were in our early 40's. But we got along famously, and enjoyed dinners with them.The next day we spent in Key West! This was our first time to Key West, and it was a lot of fun. Apparently the most popular activity of Key West is getting plastered on Duvall St. And it was obvious that this event starts for some people at 9am. Since we are not drinkers... we saw the Hemingway House, went up the lighthouse, and visited the 'most southern point in the United States'. (Which ironically took the longest... it's quite a popular point) We paid a guy to bike us around the rest of the island in a canopied cart. The guy was quite small... and the visual of him biking us around was comical. He earned his tip!He gave us great commentary on every house, plant, tree, sign and street we saw. It was great!
Another nice memory... We were buying something in a gift shop when the clerk (and older man, probably 50 or so) asked us where we were from. (He was really crude, quite rude, and one heck of a salesman. He truly was trying to convince us to buy his whole store... I don't have much patience with this type of person.) This is one of my favorite parts of traveling. The reaction and responses when we say "Utah" is always a joy. This guy was not a disappointment... after an awkward pause he responds with "So you're Mormon." Really? What gave it away? We were the most clothed people on the entire island, surprisingly sober, and... from Utah. Then he follows with a few choice statements. First, "You know that you live in the most beautiful place in the world!", which was not a question... but nice... and true. Second, "My friend '?' is Mormon and he drinks more beer than anyone I know!" to which my response came without thought. Very sarcastic and with clenched teeth I mumbled "Well that's fantastic." He just smiled... that's where the conversation ended. Needless-to-say, it wasn't a 'missionary moment'.

The next day we arrived in Cozumel, where we took a catamaran to a private island. Tony and Sarah came as well, we spent the day under cabana's together. We had a great traditional Mexican lunch... with hottest salsa we had ever tasted. Seriously! Hands down the hottest thing I've ever eaten! But it cleared our sinuses and woke us up.We came back to Cozumel and did some shopping downtown. We found a summer dress for Sophie in Key West, a silver bracelet for Addi in Mexico, and brought Cori and Lexi home a unique marble chess set. Of course, we also replenished our supply of Mexican Vanilla. They girls were all very pleased. I also had my traditional Ziploc full of shells I collected at all the beaches. Ever since I can remember I have been obsessed with shells. Rocks too. I love to find cool stuff like that... anything handmade by God is my most valued souvenir. I can't leave a place without picking something up off the ground. That doesn't sound good... I don't pick things up from fast-food restaurants or public restrooms... just places in nature.
We had a day on the ship, then returned to Miami the next day. We flew home late... too late... picked up the kids... lost the key to our house... and finally laid down in our bed at 3:30am! We had plenty of sleep stored up though, so it wasn't bad.
It was a great trip! We've decided that we still like each other. (As Sophie would say "We like each other.. toooooooo much!") The girls had a great week as well... I'm not sure they realized they were been tended. They went on vacation, and Mike and I found somewhere to go while they were gone. That's what they got out of it!

Temple Time

2010-04-02T16:12:00.004-06:00

One of my goals for this week was to get to the temple. Well.... as I tend to forget... the Lord hears and answers my prayers.
I went to church last Sunday and they announced that Wednesday was temple night, so the YW would be doing free babysitting. I had to smile to myself and give a "thanks" as I felt the spirit elbow me in the side with a "you're welcome!"
The next day I got a reminder of a friend's wedding at the Provo temple. I had completely forgot it was this week! I called a friend who was willing to take Sophie for a few hours.
Mike has scouts Wednesday's, so I got to go do a session with a friend. I realized in the middle of the session that this was the first time I had ever been to the temple with a friend. I had gone with Mike, or I had gone alone... but I don't think I'd gone with a girlfriend.
It turned out to be exactly what I needed! We talked about spiritual experiences, our families, and the gospel in our lives.
I was such a testimony to me of the importance of good friends. And what good friendships should be based on. Sitting in the Celestial room with a friend made me really think about how different the conversations and things said would be if that's where I visited with all my friends! Something for me to digest.
Yesterday I went to the wedding of a good family friend. She was my Mother's best friend when I was growing up, lived across the street. She had gotten a divorce the same time Mom had. So after being single for 14-15 years, she found someone and was getting married and sealed. It was very nostalgic to see people, I just wish I had more time to spend with them.
During the ceremony... they were instructed to "multiply and replenish the earth". Her new hubby raised his eyebrow, and I busted up! I couldn't contain myself!
I guess I never thought about that before. I think I've only been to weddings of 'younger' people. I thought it was too funny, but I guess they don't change the ceremony based on your age or medical history :)
So... the Lord provided me with not one, but TWO great opportunities to meet my goal for this week. I'm thankful for how much he blesses me. I know he is mindful of me as an individual, and I appreciate his help in my life. I know that sacrifices and tough times make me better... but I sure love it when I can catch a break now and then!
(I have also made some cleaning progress. If I ever get the pics off my camera I will get it posted. But... I've just made a dent in what I want to accomplish.)

Internal changes vs External changes

2010-03-29T18:25:00.008-06:00

I had some interesting experiences last week. Not really anything to go into detail about... but I'm always surprised with different situations I find myself in... and the types of things I have to go through to learn my life lessons. This week has been very theraputic, and the Lord has helped me with the goals I set for myself this week.
I've had some rough roads in the past few years. I know I will look back and realize that this place I live in has taught me more in the past three years... than I've learned in the past 12. And just when I think I've got it figured out... or at least I've learned how to handle it... I get another curve ball. The thing I'm most proud of, is that after this last week... I know I've made progress. (It's about time.)
I had to make some tough choices last week. I've never been in a situation where I can't explain myself. I tend to 'lay it all out on the table' and 'let the chips fall where they may'. I've found that putting it all out there has gotten me in trouble. Letting that guard down with has not benefited me with certain individuals.
I think I've realized that people will come to their own conclusions no matter what you tell them. Opening myself up... laying it all out... doesn't help. In fact, in some cases for me, it's done more harm than good. And while I hate admitting it... I've learned that not everyone in my life can be trusted. People are good, but someone saying they 'care' doesn't always mean they have your best interest at heart. I can say that this doesn't make me angry at these people... It makes me sad. Because that might be how they 'care'.

I've really gone back and forth on whether or not to take my blog private. I've come to the conclusion that in my situation, it wouldn't change much.
I think it would be worse for there to be rumors of what I'm going through. There would still be those people who would want to be 'invited' who spread rumors. It still baffles me that someone would be bothered by what I've written... because no one has to read it! And while going private might avoid comments from my dearest friend Nony, Nony will always be out there... sharing opinions with others... taking things out of context... and getting me in trouble. It seems really narsisitic to think about people who may or may not be reading my blog... but when it gets me in trouble, I know that someone is not only reading it, but taking it out of context.
Whether it's what I've written... something I've said... something I've done... or heaven forbid, something I've worn!... it's all the same really.
I think the lesson I've learned is... opening up my life experiences doesn't mean I need to open up my emotions. I write about my life, and what I'm learning. I do try to not be too specific because quite frankly, specifics have nothing to do with my experience. And all the speculation in the world wouldn't be changed with more details.

I posted earlier that I pray for change. I still do... but until external changes come... what I can change is how I handle certain situations.

Thumper's lesson

2010-03-27T09:59:00.000-06:00

Lately I have felt rather 'out of the loop'. I noticed that the more 'out of the loop' I am around here... the better. I got hit with some nasty neighborhood gossip and it got me thinking... Maybe I need to create my own loop! I am a bit of a control freak after all, so my own loop can be what I want it to be.
Not that long ago I was in the middle of gossip, feeling free to express my opinions about everything and everyone. When I'm on the outside of it... I see it from a different light. Hearing gossip about someone I don't know, or a new neighbor I haven't met yet, sounds really nasty! And the point that it really hit me, was when it turned from someone's own experience and opinions to "she said..." Then a nice person (who probably wouldn't have wanted their opinion spread like wildfire) was dragged into bashing someone else.
You know that movie Bambi? Thumper comments about how funny Bambi walked... then his Mom got after him and said "What did your father tell you?" and Thumper clears his throat to recite "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all."

Thumper's Dad was a pretty wise dude.
I'm all about expressing feelings. But what happened to someone else is not really my feelings, right? Maybe that's when it truly becomes gossip. So I have a new challenge... I'm gonna try sticking to the facts. My facts that is. And I'll try to listen to others facts. But I want to learn to just filter out anything but the facts. I believe that's called being objective.
I think that I tend to be subjective, and I get a lot of information from people who are very subjective. (Is subjective what you call a person who likes to divide people?)
When someone says they're going to be "subjective" about something, it means that they give comments or give value to something based on their feelings... it's more of a moral judgment. A subjective opinion is based on emotions, feelings, perceptions, and one's beliefs. There is not necessarily factual basis for subjective judgment, as opposed to being objective... where there is a FACTUAL basis for comments... or statement for that matter. Meaning to say, the statement can be backed up with known facts (something that is observable or concrete, and known to all) And most importantly... being objective mean you are able to view things in different perspectives.
So the next time I hear a story, (whether it's about a new neighbor, or a family member) I'm going to ask... whose version is it anyway? And maybe consider the source a bit more.
No doubt, that person may have a very good reason to back up his/her opinions... but sometimes in life, things may not be what they appear. And while I remember what Thumper's Dad says... I should also remember what I heard in my own childhood... that a person who always talks bad about someone else could easily turn around and talk bad about you too…
The other thing Bambi has taught me?
"Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat."

No worries

2010-03-25T16:53:00.004-06:00

I know that I've been down in the dumps... but there is no need to fret. I just write about things to help me feel better. Unfortunately, it makes for some real depressing posts.

So here I go...
Goal #1: I will exercise 3 days next week
Goal #2: Starting one room at a time, I will begin 'spring cleaning'(I do remember a time when cleaning my house wasn't overwhelming... so I have hope... a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a damn good thing I blogged about it... or I wouldn't believe it myself!)
Goal#3: I will attend the temple sometime this next week. Alone or with Mike, either way... as long as I get there.

I'm thinking that I will try and record my Spring Cleaning efforts. It will give me something to reference for the future... and it will force me to post about something other than how I feel. The funny thing is, I realize that some of what I consider "spring cleaning" is probably what other people do weekly... maybe daily. Oh well! I'm secure with my own messes.
I was talking to a neighbor about cleaning. She was embarrassed at the condition her house was in, and I kept reassuring her that I would be the last person to judge! (believe me!)However... the truth is... I'm totally guilty of wanting things super clean before opening my front door. I'm a bit obsessed with making sure other people think my house is always clean. (When that couldn't be farther from the truth.) I am guilty of spending hours and hours trying to get things perfect for other people. My family hates me! Because I turn into some crazy lunatic, yelling and snapping at everyone.
I whine about the entry of my house, because I can't really invite people in without inviting them into my entire house! I wish I had a 'living room' right off the front door. Then I could just worry about keeping that one room clean, and invite people in without all the pressure of a 5 hour clean-fest. Without even realizing it... I stopped inviting people into my house. I doesn't occur to me until they leave, or until I've been visiting with them for an hour in the doorway!
But back to my conversation with my neighbor...
I can't leave a conversation without somehow getting myself in trouble or embarrassing myself... so I said "Yeah... but you work! I don't have a good excuse." She looked at me and said "Um... I don't work." CRAP! I could swear I heard she did, but that wasn't even the point! I sound like I'm trying to give her an excuse, and it's not like she needs one! GEEEEZ Louise!
So of all these goals... it's obvious which one I'm dreading the most.

fake it 'till you make it!

2010-03-24T11:21:00.000-06:00

So I really push myself to make it through the January and February months of depression. However, I feel like this year I've pushed it only to be slammed in March. I'm just in a place where I can't quite pick myself up move forward.
I live in a beautiful place, yet I lay in bed... lights off... blinds closed... blankets to my chin. Even when I finally get out of my bed (I'll never admit the time I finally do that these days) I look out my windows at the beautiful mountains and think how badly I wish I were somewhere else. Anywhere else.

We've had a sickness spread though our family. It's now been 10 days since I first felt symptoms and I can't kick it. I think my body can't kick it because my mind is in the wrong place. Mike has been so good to take care of me... let me sleep. I'm averaging 10-12 hours of sleep a day and it doesn't feel like near enough.I've had a bad attitude about some of the changes in my life since this year started. Every time I think I'm past it, something happens to remind me of how hurt I still am. I've always hated the saying "Fake it till you make it", but at this point I think it's the only way to move forward. I don't want to distance people... friends... but it's just too hard heal. The walls I told myself I wouldn't build just showed up one day. Like I didn't know I was pushing everyone away until I woke up and nobody was there. My fear of rejection is so overwhelming I can't let people in. Or if I do... at the first sign of doubt I bail. 'Fool me once... shame on you. Fool me twice... oh wait... there no chance to fool me twice.'
I still have questions. Questions I know will never be answered. People have been nice to try and comfort me with comments about 'bigger and better' things must be in my future. But it's just not true, and I'm afraid my bad attitude about things won't help my situation any.
I'm trying to prepare myself for quite possibly the hardest summer in my adult life. Maybe that's why March is harder than January or February.

On a brighter note, I'm ready to go back to work. I need a big change. That's how I cope... throw myself into something else that can consume my thoughts and time.
I'm moving full force into building a salon. There are tons of decisions to make. I want to work as much as I can, for as long as I can. If we stay here until our kids are grown... that gives me 14 years or so. So I have to think ahead enough to build something I will still be happy with in 14 years.
I feel like I've paid my dues and after 10 years of working the most difficult job in the world... I can fill my cup with the passion that gives me the creative outlet I need. Sophie will go to K-garten in the fall... and I will have roughly 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. I will also have some Saturday's and one night a week. I want to build up a steady clientele, then when Sophie goes into first grade... hopefully I can work a heavier schedule and still have time to go into the school and volunteer.
I'm ready to move into a different stage in life. I can't pray for strength anymore... so I pray for change.

I can't let her break

2010-03-18T10:20:00.008-06:00

sidenote... I'm working on my back posts. While there's no need to complain, I realize that it's the luxuries in my life that make me too ungrateful. With that said... I'm currently living in a technology nightmare! My computer crashed and I have been subjected to an ancient... I mean a dinosaur of a laptop. What feels like my entire life over the past eight years or so, is currently being held in a little white box called an external hard drive. It's strange to look at it and think something that I can put in my back pocket holds every picture, paper, and documentation of my life. My fossil computer doesn't have the juice to try and pull all my pics off the memory cards, so I have to just hook up my camera and transfer images directly to my blog. I have a bit of a neurotic tendency to crop and edit pictures before I put them "down in history". So... enough whining. Like I said, I should not have been given such luxuries, then I wouldn't know what I've been missing.

Sophie. (sigh.)
Sophie has had a tough week... therefore... I have had a tough week. Sophie has got some issues with anger. Bless her heart... her needs combined with my lacking parenting skills is a recipe for disaster.
I can't help but wonder why, of all the parents in the world, she was stuck with me. My greatest fear is that's I'm not only unable to help her, but I'm making her issues worse.
She has stopped pulling her hair out (fingers-crossed) and I think it was only a phase. But her new display of anger is... leaving. Yes, she just takes off.
Luckily, some neighbors caught her behind our neighborhood in a retention pond. She was only a few feet from the busy road. She was barefoot. No coat. Apparently she road her bike to the end of the street, then took off on foot.
Lexi came running inside... where I was visiting with my friend "Mom! Mom! Sophie's running away!" What?! So I look from the porch and realize... if I took off running, even with legs three times longer then hers, I would never catch her. I grabbed my keys and jumped in the car. Leaving my friend mid-conversation, and passing another friend on the way who stopped her car and rolled down her window to talk... "Sorry! Can't chat, I'm chasing my daughter who decided to run away."
As I'm driving, smoke shooting out from my ears, I'm racing with what I will say to her. One thing I learned from my class... if I'm too angry to have a calm and logical talk?... wait. So I walked out to the field in a straight line, right towards her. There were four older girls from the neighborhood, all doing their best to restrain a different limb... despite the screaming, kicking, and flailing of her body. There were no words... I just grabbed her upper arm, and dragged her to the car. I put her in and shut the door. Silence.
I dragged her from the car to her room, and locked her in. (Yes, there is a lock on the outside of her door... sounds harsh, but sadly necessary.)
I waited until Mike came home, by that time I knew we could go to her together, and I could unclentch my jaw long enough to speak actual words. After talking, hugging, and feeling we made progress, I chalked it up to a "one time" thing.
The next day I'm driving kids home from school and stop the car to visit with another Mom. Sophie asks "Mom? Can I get out and play?" to which I respond "No sweetie, we have to go home... your sisters are waiting for us." Next thing I know she's shutting the car door behind her. I throw the car in park and jump out... and I knew she was off to a head start. She knew it too, and took off. I caught her arm and got her back to the car.
Wednesday... Cori had a friend over, and they asked to go play with other friends on the street. Sure. Three to four minutes go by and I realize... no Sophie.
I throw on my shoes and walk down the street to find my 4 year-old playing games in the street with the neighborhood kids... ranging from 15 to 9 years-old.
This time we have a conversation about the fact that I'm more than willing to let her go and play... BUT... she needs to ask me, and I need to know where she is.
(sigh.)
It's not like she's mad. There's no yelling, fighting... there's NO display of anger... she just leaves. When Mike asked her why she ran away the first time? She calmly answered "I just wanted to leave" No reason why. Just because.
For some reason, I think it would make me feel better if she yelled at me first. At least I would have a warning, and I could keep my eye on all the doors. When I ran away from home... I packed a bag, I yelled, there was the "I hate you!" and then I left.
I think the first time I ran away I was in Kindergarten. I remember it clearly, and my Mom laughed when I mentioned it to her. She said she knew that I'd be back home. I remember that I told her I "hated living here, I'm going to live with Annie! Her Dad isn't mean! Her parents love her!" I was waiting for my Mom to beg me to stay. I wanted her to promise that things would be better. Instead, she just let me go. I think I got two steps out the door and screamed "FINE!!!!" and marched back inside to my room.
Unfortunately, that was the first part of a destructive path I formed of running away. I refuse to let Sophie go down that path. I don't know if my Mom begging me to stay would have fixed me, or changed that path. I think about how a 6 year-old can be that broken inside, from the outside it seemed pretty harmless... but I know it wasn't harmless. Even in Kindergarten, I was already broken.
I see a lot of myself in Sophie, but what I see in her is more of what I have now... as an adult. So it's like trying to raise the adult version of me. As a kid, I was very responsible. And truly, I wasn't defiant very often. It was at 12 when 'all hell broke loose'. I look at Sophie and it's too painful to imagine she might suffer things that I did. If I give her everything I didn't have, why can't that fix it? All I keep saying to myself, over and over again... unconditional love. She has to know she's unconditionally loved. No matter what. If there was one thing I believe could have helped me, it was that.

Her teacher has talked with me about some of her struggles with learning, getting upset if she's corrected. It makes it near impossible to help her read. Pretty much, you have to either sit there while she makes up a random story and flips the pages... or risk asking "what sound does that letter make?" and hope she doesn't get up and walk away!
I know that she does better for other people than she does for me. But why? Maybe it's because I'm the one who puts her in 'quiet time' during the day?... but I'm also the one who feeds her lunch! and give her rewards when she's earned them. I'm not just the bad guy!
I want to have a healthy relationship with her, like all my kids. Mixing that balance of fun and discipline.

So I can't help but lay in bed at night and think...what do I do when summer comes? I have a 'hotel' type lock on the inside of my front door. (Which we put on when she first learned how to open the door) I can hear the garage door open... if it's not already open.
I really want to give her freedom, but I'm afraid to. My parenting class leaves me thinking I'm being too controlling. But letting her suffer a natural consequence would not only be unsafe, but it would lead my neighbors calling the cops. (and after this past week, I wouldn't be surprised if one neighbor already has!)
Is it illegal to do an electric fence, and put a collar on her? Enough zaps and I think she'll get the message.

A peek inside Addi's head

2010-03-17T10:15:00.002-06:00

Addi lost her tooth on St. Patty's Day ... the tooth fairy didn't come. That dang tooth fairy's memory is really going. Addi decided that since it was St. Patty's Day, the leprechauns had depleted the gold supply. She said "The tooth fairy probably couldn't find any gold!" Whew! I'm so glad she's so in touch with the world of make-believe... because I certainly am not!

Another interesting conversation we had this week...

Addi: Mom... look! That lady is smoking in her car.

Me: Yep, she is.

Addi: Well, you know that's her choice. We all have a choice.

(At this point I start to feel impressed with her ability to recognize the free agency we all have here in this earth)

Addi: You know... if Daddy gave me a cigarette for my birthday... I would just

Me: (Interrupting her) Addi! Daddy wouldn't ever give you a cigarette for your birthday!

Addi: But if he did... I would just throw it away!

Me: But I hope you know he wouldn't.

Addi: But if he did... I would just throw it away!

(about 30 seconds goes by... and I decide to try and spin this into a jr. high situation she can prepare herself for)

Me: Well... I guess that's good. You know, someone will someday offer you one, and you can just say "no thanks".

Addi: But I don't want to make Daddy feel bad. I'll just throw it away later.

Me: (deep breath) Okay.

So Sorry!

2010-03-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Whoa Nelly!
I apologize for any explicit lyrics coming from my playlist. Apparently, the website I use for my songs has pirated links from time-to-time, and they get replaced with "not-so-nice" messages... or the song gets replaced with another one. Sorry!

Sweet P

2010-03-02T16:53:00.006-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of events. In an effort to record the most accurate information, I'm going to cut and paste most of what Jess and Kyle wrote...

As some of you have heard our most precious little angel returned to her heavenly fathers arms today around 10:30 AM.

We saw both Morgan and Paetyn last night from 8-10 PM and they were both doing very well. Kyle got to hold Morgan for an hour and a half. Paetyn was doing excellent on her feedings so they raised her meal amount. This is why we were very surprised to get the phone call at 9:30 AM this morning about our "sweet P" Paetyn. The Nurse Practitioner said that she was very sick and in critical condition. They said last night at 1 AM they started noticing a difference in her. So they stopped the feedings and ran some test. She kept on getting worse and worse. I called Kyle right away and told him he needed to leave work and go give his little girl a blessing. When we got to the hospital there were about 10 people working on our little angel. Not a fun sight to see. We didn't realize how sick she really was. By the time we got there she was starting to go into a steep decline. Her face was purple and she was on 100% oxygen and still not getting enough. They were giving her extra breaths manually with a hand compressor. The Neonatologist then decided to do chest compressions. While he was doing the compressions he kept on saying "Common sweet P... common". They had us right next to her bed and I got to hold her hand. She was completely sedated but did give us a wave. The neonatologist then said "she is not going to make it you guys... I am so sorry. We are doing more damage now than anything". She felt no pain. We know she was waiting for her mommy and daddy to see her off. We are so glad we were there and she didn't have to be alone. The Neonatologist said he knows she felt our love and heard us say our goodbyes. Kyle started to give her a blessing while they were doing the chest compressions. The blessing was short. He blessed her that she would feel no pain and that the Lords will would be done and that she would be happy and feel joy. About a minute into the blessing everyone stopped working on her and unhooked her from the ventilator and feeding tube. I got to hold her right before she passed. He said her heart was still beating but she was not breathing. While I held her Kyle gave her another blessing and sent her home to her Heavenly Father and told her how much we love her. We both held her at that moment with many tears. All the nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapist where crying as well. The whole time we wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to the way things were yesterday.

The Neonatogolist said that she got an infection that spread throughout her body instantly. They drew blood cultures and the labs said that there was already stuff growing after an hour which is unheard of. They said since she is so small her body could not fight the infection and it was too late. He also said that something like this (a sudden death) only happens about once or twice in the NICU. They will let us know exactly what bacteria it was but we decided to not do an autopsy.

We know, being the circumstances, that this was her time to go. We are so proud of her for making it as long as she did. 16 days old. She was our little warrior! She was actually doing better than Morgan in someways. Her last weighing she weighed 1 pound 5 oz. She is still the cutest tiniest little thing but we know it took all she had to gain those 4 oz. We are so glad that we got to see our girl healthy for her whole life. We are so glad she opened her eyes a few days ago and looked right at us. We felt a real connection with her and got to meet our little Paetyn that day! We got to see her feisty personality and strong spirit. We are so proud to be her parents and know that someday we will get to finish raising her. We held her for about 4 hours before the mortuary came and got her. I got to help bathe her and put 2 white bows in her hair. They also found a dress for a 2 pound baby that she will be buried in. She looked so beautiful all dressed in white and wrapped in a white blanket. They also gave her a tiny little bracelet and did hand and feet molds. We got to put her by Morgan and get a few pictures of them together. We even got a couple of our entire family (the 4 of us).

There was a strong spirit in the NICU today. It was the spirit of our Paetyn and all the helping angels around her. Our love for her grew so much today and our love for our family, each other, and our savior. We know that before Paetyn left she said goodbye to her sister. We know she will be Morgan's guardian angel throughout her life. Morgan is so lucky to have her on the other side looking out for her and watching over her. There will always be a big place in our hearts for Paetyn Lynn. Kyle picked out her name :) He always loved the name Paetyn and wanted to name her after her mommy (my middle name) and his Grandpa (his moms dad Lynn Orr). We can not wait to see Paetyn again.

With love,
Kyle, Jess, and Morgan

We had her viewing and burial yesterday. During the planning of all this... Jay and Kyle wanted her in East Lawn cemetery. Mike's siblings were generous enough to allow her to be buried with Carol, Mike's mom. Carol was a labor and delivery nurse for 25 years. She was the sweetest, kindest woman with the biggest heart. I felt her spirit so strong during the burial.
It was heartbreaking to watch them kiss their baby and close that tiny casket. Kyle carried it out to the hearse.
Even having the knowledge of God's plan... and knowing it is a short time until we'll see our loved ones again... that void is so huge. This is the first death in my family, and to see Jay go through this has changed my life. I know that this little one was so special, and Jay is a such an amazing Mom.
At the viewing, I hugged Jay and she whispered in my ear that she has missed me. All I could say was "I'm sorry". I'm sorry...
I'm sorry for not being a better big sister. I'm sorry I let trivial differences get in the way of our relationship. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand her. I'm sorry for missing the moments we could have shared over the last couple years.
Then she said that she knew Paetyn brought us together. And she did bring us together. She will be so loved and missed, always.

R & R

2010-02-25T09:59:00.004-07:00

Nic got me a gift certificate to a spa for Christmas. In her clever planning... she also got a gift certificate to the same spa for Christmas.
We had an amazing 'winter' pedicure to save our poor feet from the effects of living in this dry cold place. It was perfect to lift my spirits... I just tried not to look down at my kankles and sausage toes.
We had visited a very nice spa on our sisters retreat last year to Moab. It was the nicest spa I had visited... and we took full advantage of the robes, slippers, snacks, drinks, massage, steam room, sauna, and steam showers. It was awesome!
This spa was equally awesome. And had a great fireplace to sit and relax in front of.
The two estheticians were amazing. They were fun to talk to, and really loved their jobs. You know it's a good place when they love working there so much.
I felt bad, because I don't have dry skin... so I've never been good at lathering on the lotion. I use lotions for smelling... not for moisturizing. Nic has dry skin, so she is religious about lotioning her feet every night. I just suffer through the winter and don't worry too much about my feet.
The poor girl earned her tip... I felt bad she had to 'sand blast' the calluses off my heals. Terrible!

Funny story...
Neither Nic or I are ticklish. Our feet cannot be tickled. I always contributed it to growing up without shoes on. You run across that hot asphalt street enough times, and you lose feeling. I can have bare feet and walk on almost any surface. I haven't tried the circus trick where they walk on glass, but I probably could look into that career if something happens to Mike.
Anyways... the esthitician said that she was told that being ticklish is an inability to read pressure. So somewhere during your life, you developed areas of you body that you can't read pressure. Which means I must have tolerated a lot of pressure growing up... sounds about right. Interesting.
It really was an amazing night of pampering. Then of course we ended up talking till too late, but she's the best person to talk to. I really feel blessed to have such a great sister.
We spent last Saturday making freezer meals for Jay. We busted out 20 meals for them, and a couple for ourselves. Nic is a great cook, and she works so hard... regardless of what she's doing. Always willing to help, and my favorite person to do things like this with. I was telling her that it's great to do tings with her, because I never worry about anything. She is dependable, and for someone who really struggles depending on people, I can say that she is as good as it gets!

Big Fat Bummer

2010-02-17T12:12:00.006-07:00

Bummer... this post will be a real bummer.
I recently worked my hardest to accomplish something. I gave it everything I had, honestly I'm not sure there was anything else I could have done!
I picture will get hung on the wall... another constant reminder of my failures and lack of self-control. I know it's a photo that everyone else will be fine with. And when openly complain about it... I will only be told "you look good!" and "it's not bad!" But honestly, after expecting certain results... the fact is that I'm extremely disappointed. If I don't believe it, it doesn't matter. I will keep my mouth shut and not complain... because there's nothing worse for me than feeling patronized. Even though I know it's just other people trying to be nice.
I guess I need to learn the lesson that... as bad as I might want something, I may never get it.
I know that I need to become more content with myself. And truthfully... that's probably the true lesson I need. I often times want something I don't need as much as I think I do. Or... what I want is stupid and superficial.
Happiness.
I need to find a way to be happy, and still keep a drive to improve. I seem to feel the most motivated by my unhappiness with something or someone. How do I become happy with myself, and still improve myself. Here's the cycle...
1. I get in a state of unhappiness, disgust, or become downright miserable.
2. I get through it by committing to make a change, overhaul myself.
3. I (hopefully) make a change... or at least make some moves in the direction that makes me happier.
4. I get into a better mental place, and decide to love myself. Accept my weaknesses and just be a happier person.
5. THEN... become happier with myself... only to revert back to the things that originally make me so miserable.
So my dilemma is... how do I love myself... accept my weaknesses... and still improve myself? My desire to improve myself seems to disappear when I decide I need to love myself for who I am.
I worry that I don't know how to be happy without self-destructing. It's almost like no mater what, I'm still not content with the results.
There is ALWAYS areas to improve. And even when I improve, I'm not quite happy yet. If I want to lose 20 pounds, I work hard to do so. But then when I reach my goal... I find that I need to lose another 10. I get discouraged, and decide to love myself. Then I love myself back to where I started.
I'm the same way with my kids, or cleaning my house, or scripture study. I find that no matter how hard I work, or how much I improve... I'm not where I want to be.
I know I'm not happy when my criticizing starts expanding from myself... to everything else. I start to find fault in everything and everyone. I walk away from a situation with only the negative parts. Or I over analyze and twist anything said until it becomes a bad thing. I think that everyone being nice to me is lying, and statr pushing people away.
Sometimes it just feels as if I just don't WANT to be happy. But I do.
How do I accept others, but not myself? Am I really accepting of others, or do I do the same thing with the people around me?
It's almost as if 'accepting who I am' is just an excuse to not try.
Maye I don't know the true meaning of acceptance. Or I just don't truly know how to accept.
What it all seems to boil down to is selfishness. I don't think it's fair that I have to work so hard to lose weight. Even if I lose some... I can't lose enough to be happy.
I can pray, search scriptures, and I still don't know why I can't fit in here. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I can make myself 'to do' list, but can never get it all done. I can't get my house clean. I can't do all the things I want to do with my kids. I feel lazy. Too tired to keep up.
I can make myself feel better by 'letting it go' or 'accepting' myself. But it's just giving up. And giving up doesn't make it better... and doesn't mean that all that stuff is magically fixed.
Depressing... I know. I think I just need the sun to come back.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T18:36:00.002-07:00

Mike and I take turns each year planning a Valentine's date. I know there are those who "don't believe" in the holiday. Stupid, commercialized, a ploy or government holiday, crowded restaurants, blah, blah... keep on complaining. What holiday isn't a government holiday now days? Christmas is the biggest marketing ploy, but I still celebrate and buy gifts. I think some people are cheap and frankly a little selfish... investing in your relationship is never stupid. I am grateful for a hubby who indulges in silly romance... even if it's 'stupid'.
Our big date does not have to be expensive... only memorable. Time is the most valuable gift we can give and receive. It was my year, and since we are 'getting away' in a few weeks, I tried to pack a punch in a few hours. So we got a couples massage and went to dinner.
Mike and massages... I must elaborate.
Mike is the definition of a 'manly man' not too evolved from the caveman. I knew that it would never happen. But I guess this is why our relationship works... I push him out of his box. And he gets out a marker and draws a box to help keep me in one place... and he draws a box big enough to keep me who I am.
So this was my plan. I scheduled an appointment without talking about it first. (don't ask/don't tell) I drove us there and we walked in. He shook a woman's hand and we walked back to a dim room. He looked at me and said "What are we doing?" By that point he had no choice but to take his clothes off and endure it.
And just as I expected... he loved every minute. Now, years later, he was so happy to hear of our plans.
Our date was fabulous. We went to dinner early to avoid too much wait... although a night of waiting together is still... together. (It's not like we could starve) I love spending time with that wonderful man, and I'm so stinkin' happy to be married to him. Love him!

Parenting doesn't get much better than this week

2010-02-12T18:33:00.003-07:00

I have to start blogging everyday, only because things come out of my kids' mouth and I think "I HAVE to remember to write that down". Then I forget.
This morning Sophie and I were snuggling (which she calls Snaggling) in my bed this morning. She stood up and apparently had a major wedgie under her nightgown. She gets a bothered look on her face and says "Mom?... I think that my bum is eating my underwear for breakfast!"

My parenting class ended this week. I wish I could continue it for the rest of my life. It seems that a weekly reminder is the only way I can retain and use information.
I can say that I got so much from it. I can really love my kids more when I'm not stressed out, and inpatient. The biggest thing I learned is that I worry way too much. I make too many rules. I love my kids to the point of wanting to control things I can't control. Realizing the things I can and can't control works wonders for my sanity.
In searching for the tools to try and be a better Mom for Sophie... it has made me realize all the things I've done to screw up the others. It's not that my first three were easier, or better behaved. It was that they learned how to survive my controlling parenting methods, and probably conformed to what I wanted from them. Mainly out of fear I bet.
I can only take solace in thinking it's not too late to change.
I will never be perfect. I will never even become the parent I want to be... but I can do better. I can ask for forgiveness. I can learn that in accepting their mistakes and weaknesses... they will hopefully return the favor and accept my shortcomings.

On a similar note... I had Parent/Teacher Conferences this week...
Sophie's evaluation was in typical Sophie style. I'm always surprised in the fact that she is much smarter than I think she is. She retains SO much more than I think. (Then I think about her ability to push my buttons and remember that she is smarter than I am in most situations. And my underestimating her is the proof that she is smarter than I will ever know. Stinker.)
Addi is in K-garten, and loves every minute. Then again, she loves every minute of her entire life. Her positive attitude is the most incredible quality I've ever known, and blesses the lives of everyone around her.
Lexi's teacher was sick, and had to cancel her appointments. Thankfully, I get to be in the class on Friday's, so I'm not worried. Lex is my quiet shell with a loud personality. She's got so much heart it's unbelievable!
Cori's teacher was the funniest. I was her first appointment, and when I got there she was not in the classroom. I waited a few minutes then got a bit worried. We don't get much time, and I had another teacher right afterward. With about 5 minutes to go, I see her walking down the hall. She meets me in the entryway to say, "Cori's great. I'm never worried about her." I just looked at her, waiting for more. Then she said "Do you have any worries?" I said "Nope. Thanks." And that was that. No worries... a decent report.

I registered Sophie for K-garten. I'm sure I don't how much my life will change in the next couple years.
I'm not worried about being bored. I've honestly been looking forward to this time for 10 years. I'm excited to work. And even though I will miss spending the time with my sweeties... I cannot tell a lie... being a 'stay at home Mom' does not completely fill my cup. Maybe I have a bigger selfish bone than others... it's probably my femur.

The fun has arrived

2010-02-10T12:06:00.004-07:00

After a crazy 28 weeks, my sister had her twins on Thursday, February 9th.
Paetyn came into this world at a whopping 1lb. 1oz. and 12 inches long...

And her younger... but bigger sister Morgan tipped the scales at 2lbs. 5oz. and 14 inches long...

I knew I belonged to an older generation when I found out that an email had been sent out with the big news... and for someone who checks her email only a couple times a week... I was told through the grapevine. (Not just through the grapevine... my grandma called me... she's my internet savvy informer)
The sad thing, was that my Mom was out-of-town on a business trip. I read the email and while the girls were doing surprising well, for being so tiny... Jay lost a lot of blood. I realized this and felt horrible that she didn't even have her Mom here for the birth of her first child... I mean children. I thought I would head to the hospital, even just to be someone in the waiting room.
My sister and I have not been the closest over the last couple years. We are about as opposite as two people can get. I will say that regardless of differences... the bond between my sisters is unbelievably strong. And when all hell breaks loose, I know that my sisters are the people who will be there for me. We have a crazy amount of dedication to each other... even if we drive each other crazy :)
So I get to the hospital to find my sister as white as a ghost. Literally, it scared the crap out of me. Usually, you see a woman who just gave birth and say "You look amazing!" Because anyone who has gone through it knows that if you can have your insides ripped out of you and manage to still be in one piece... with a smile on your face... you look incredible!
I didn't want to say that I was worried about her... but I was. They were just starting her first blood transfusion, and she desperately needed it. They were also giving her some Demerol for pain. Within minutes, she was looking a lot better. Her incision from the c-section looked amazing. The doctor came in and explained why she had lost so much blood. He said he had to cut through blood vessels as thick as his fingers. (and he is a large man!) He talked about how great the girls were doing, and that they are "as good as anyone could hope for" given how little they are.
Jay was hoping to see her girls, and understandably ticked her off that she hadn't seen them yet. (I remember when they didn't bring Sophie back to me after she was born... I was not a happy lady!) My littlest sister showed up, and even with the improvement I had witnessed, I could tell Sam was worried. Jay and Kyle started filling her in on the events. I looked over to see her sit down in the chair. She looked at me and said "I think I'm going to pass out." Next thing I know... Sam head dives towards the floor. I grabbed her just in time to save her skull from smacking the floor. But from the angle I had her, I couldn't bring her back to an upright position. Jay was too drugged to see me bent over at the end of her bed. And it took Kyle a bit to understand what I was doing. (It says something about my family to know that those types of things look like we could just be messing around.)
Kyle helped me get her back up in the chair. And the nurse quickly got her some juice.
As Jay got more pain meds in her, she got more and more relaxed. She looked pretty darn comfortable. Then she started saying things like "You guys should try this stuff" and "I wish we could all do this together" When Kyle said "We should all try it at a concert." Jay got a big smile and slurred "That would be sick!" Too funny!
They were able to finally get Jay to the NICU. Sam and I went down to the gift shop and found the cutest pink baby vase of flowers. Then Nic showed up with some beautiful flowers.
I'm so proud of Jay. Her strength through this pregnancy and delivery. She is an amazing Mom, and loves those girls with all her heart. Her selflessness is incredible, and Kyle is a stellar husband... and now a stellar Daddy.
I so happy for them, and wish them luck on the crazy road ahead!

The end is near

2010-02-09T18:37:00.001-07:00

I think that it's interesting... and a bit concerning...that I've heard so much counsel lately on preparedness. It's not anything new, I mean it's all information I've heard before, it just seems to be more and more frequently.
We've had Sunday School lessons, RS lessons, both VT messages this year... and so on. This past week it's been on my mind a lot.
I'm not a 'doomsday' person, and I don't get caught up in the consipiracy theories about "the world ending", but I can say that I worry about bad things appinging to our nation. I can see where a supply of food and a reserve of financial security.
Part of my personal battle includes justifying my half-a efforts as good enough... or better than most people. Somehow, I think that "better than other people" won't do me much good when it comes down to it.
My 72-hour kits are stocked and in place, we have a decent amount of food stored, and I feel like things are pretty much in order if we encountered disaster. But... I have this voice in my head telling me that there's more to be done. A persistent little voice that keeps nagging at me to put more effort into being better prepared.
I keep dismissing the voice, hoping it will just go away. But lately, I feel like it's coming in all directions, I can't avoid it.
So I'm thinking I have to take action, I have to finally listen to that voice and realize the things I need to do. Buggers!
On another note... my sister had twins... very, very prematurely. I was able to visit her soon after she had them. Our Mom was out-of-town, and I felt so bad for her. Even though my sister and I haven' been the closest, I would do anything to show support for her situation.
Even when she showed concern at the possibility of a stretchmarks on her stomach... I was able to bite my tongue and be supportive.
It's amazing how modern medicine can keep these little people alive! The bigger baby weighed two and a half pounds, and the other baby was barely over one pound. They truly are little miracles. I hope they don't suffer any long-term struggles and I hope they fight through any obstacles that might come their way.
My sister seems to be handling the situation very well, and I pray she will be able to stay strong through the coming months.
Here's what I've learned this week...
Regardless of hurt feelings, or differences between family members... when push comes to shove... family will always pull together. I would do ANYTHING for my sisters, and I know they would do the same for me. Family ties are strong, and in my opinion... unbreakable. It's sad that it sometimes takes tragedies to know just how strong that bond is, but I'm glad to know it's there.

Manda's Big Day

2010-02-07T18:31:00.002-07:00

I had the opportunity to escort my sister through the temple. She was taking out her endowments a week before her wedding. She is such an amazing woman, a great example to me in my life.
Going through the temple with her reminded me of some of the feelings I had the first time I went through.
My Mom and I hadn't been very close, in fact... planning the wedding was the most we had talked or spent time together since I was probably 11 years old. We got along much better after I moved away from home... and I wasn't involved much in my own wedding. We went dress shopping together, and talked about things now and then... but that was about it.
So I didn't really have anyone to help prepare me for my first time at the temple. Part of why I admire my sister, is because of the preparations she made before that big day.
That was a bigger day for me than the day I got married. My nerves were shot, and I threw up on the way to the temple.
As I went through with her, the temple workers were so impressed with the calmness and confidence she had about everything. The workers kept saying "We have some brides/women come through who look so scared and confused." I wanted to say "Yep! That was me!"
It was such a great experience to be a part of, and I don't think she'll ever understand how much it meant to me, that she wanted me to do that with her.
It's great to look up to my little sister... she is one of the smartest and most genuine person I know.
The following Saturday was the wedding. I did her hair and make-up the morning of... bright and early... or should I say 'not-so-bright' and early. I can't think of the last time I woke up when it was still that dark outside.
After getting her all ready, I realized I had only left myself 30 minutes to get out the door. I quickly did my make-up, and seriously considered pulling up my hair a ponytail. I decided to try and quickly straighten it... blah.
Oh well! It was too busy of a day for me to worry about it. Plus, the fact that Mike had to get the girls ready to meet us at the temple made me think that damage control with their hair would be the enough to worry about.
I was responsible for the decorations at the reception. It was at a beautiful place, so luckily the table decor was all I had to do.
Manda (who is so amazing and smart) had a very limited budget, so I got creative and came up with some cheap (and fairly modern) centerpieces.
Tension was running rather high, and the funny part was that Manda's was the most relaxed. I had to tell my self... and my sister... "don't let me get this stressed when my girls get married" It doesn't make it fun for other people. It's like that saying "too many cooks in the kitchen"
Anyways...
The self-centered focus building up to this day paid off. I set some outrageous weight loss goals, and anticipated this day way too much. I can say that with all my hard work, it did pay off. I was able to be pretty happy with the way I looked, and felt good in my efforts.
I'm so happy for Manda... she is an amazing person, and I have no doubt that she will accomplish great things. Her husband is so lucky to have her, and he's a great guy himself. I wish them infinite happiness, and all the blessings in the world.

Ramblings on Randomness

2010-01-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

Oh life!It has been quite the week!
This diet has gotten surprisingly better. I thought I might have to throw in the towel, but I've stuck with it through one of the craziest weeks I've had in a long time.
This is just the highlight reel...
I got released from my calling. I threw a big Birthday party, not being able to even taste any of my favorite treats. I attended a fabulous Paul Mitchell training. I started a 6 week parenting course. I attended a party with my cousins (who I don't see very often), and couldn't eat anything. I got sick and then sicker. I sent my husband to the Middle East. ... ALL without ANY comfort food!!!

So now I sit. I read, I watch TV, I get on the computer. Then I sit again, read some more, watch mind-numbing TV, and search the internet for real-estate in AZ, FL, and Southern CA. I need warmth!
I have finished two books in the last 12 days. The one I finished last night was "Eat, Pray, Love". I really enjoyed it. I felt a connection to her writing method. As if she wrote the way I think in my head.
It was fascinating, and I loved her part on Rome. I love that place! And I love the food in Italy! There is no comparison. I have no doubt that I would weigh the size of my house if I lived there. The only reason I didn't gain 20 pounds when I went, is because I walked 10 miles a day!
She then wrote about finding God. Depending on your beliefs and your personal relationship with God, you could take different things out of her experience.
I loved her raw and honest journey of finding herself... on many levels.

Oh! I bought a blender. On sale for $29. Wow... I know. That's about as exciting as it gets these days.

Mike is on the other side of the planet... hobnobbing with the world's most important business leaders. And I sit here thinking about what I'd do if terrorists took him from me. Watching 24 doesn't help... In case you were wondering.

Oh yeah... my parenting class. It's wonderful! I was supposed to take it with Mike, instead I get to take it alone. That's okay... when he comes home I'll use it as my reasoning for everything. "What? You want me to make dinner? sorry... my class said they need to make it for themselves! Independence." Cleaning? "I learned in my class that Mother's should never clean up after their children. Discipline." "Hey guess what? My class taught me that moving to a warmer climate helps raise well-adjusted teenagers!"
No really, I'm excited to learn anything that might help me become a better parent. Someone told me that they didn't want to take the course because you end up "hearing everybody's comments about themselves, and their opinions" The fact is, that I am all for learning from other peoples experiences. Hearing different parents points of view, and expanding my knowledge in that area. I am not about to put myself above anybody else in that room. That's a mistake I've already made... thinking I know everything about parenting, and putting other people's parenting skills down. My sweet Sophie has taught me that I need all the help I can get.
It's actually a bit comforting to sit in a room of parents who have some of the same struggles I have. You mean I'm not the only person with a child who has anger issues? Thank the Lord!!!
I tend to parent rather controlling... it's all I've known... and it seems to have been affective with my older kids. But it's deceiving. I want to raise a child who can think for themselves, who can make the right choices... without me telling them what the right choice is. I'm not going to be in Jr. High and High School with my girls, and they need to have the confidence to make decisions. Well-adjusted. Well-Balanced. Good winners, and good losers. With the ability to pick them selves up off the floor when things go wrong. They will make mistakes... lots of them. So I want them to be equipped with the confidence to know "it's okay to make a mistake" and they "won't always be the BEST at what they do" Even though I'd love nothing more to tell them that they will be the best, and they are perfect!
Sophie spilled her milk ALL over the floor tonight at dinner. I smiled and said "Oh Sophie, darn it... I guess you better wipe it up?" Addi jumped out of her seat and said "I'll do it!" and I had to say "No, Sophie spilled... so Sophie's gotta clean it up."
Sophie got the paper towels and started wiping. She was smearing it ALL OVER. Almost making a bigger mess than the original. She kept at it, and kept at it. I wanted so badly to finish it for her. She was almost done and said "Don't hate me Mom" I was shocked! "Honey! I could never hate you!" she smiled and said "I know... thanks."
Now I'm not gonna lie, after I put her to bed I had to mop the floor... but she didn't know that! :)

So I have dropped some 'poundage' on this crazy diet. I can admit that I had my doubts. I'm not trying to figure it out, meaning how it works. Like... why can't I eat broccoli? or why can't I put on lotion?... I just can't! So I'm on day 13 of 30... almost half way done. Hooray.

I went back and read some of my previous posts... sometimes they cheer me up. I was laughing at my "Wonder Mom" post when life was wonderful for those few minutes. I wanted to post about how unattainable that feels right now. But I found a picture that captured all the words I could have written...
That is how I feel today.

By the way...
If you drink enough water (and don't eat much food) your pee can be TOTALLY CLEAR! I mean really and completely CLEAR! Like you didn't even use the bathroom. (Do you still have to flush if your pee is clear and sterile?)
And... asparagus really makes your pee smell bad... really, really bad.
Goodnight.

Kissed the Boys and Made Them Cry!

2010-01-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Addi- BiGaddi, puddin' pie, she kissed the boys and made 'em cry. Ooohhh Addi, baby girl Addi. Sweeeeet Addi, won't cha be mine!" - (sung in quite a groovy tune)

Addi is the spice in my life. She is a unique and special person of her own. Definitely a "one-of-a-kind"! My sweet baby girl Addi turned 6 on Tuesday. And while she is the height of an 8 year old. She is my one child who wants me to treat her like a infant. She would be so happy if I would feed her, cradle her, sleep with her, and sing her lullaby's all day long. She really is the most loving and nurturing child I've ever known.
This has been a challenge, since I'm not the most nurturing mother. I appreciate her patience with me. I hope to give her all the love and attention she wants in this life.

Addi lives in two worlds. This one that we all share, and her imaginary land. I thought she would grow out of it by now, but it has only evolved with her.
When she was around 3 years old, she started having imaginary pets. We were at a stoplight one day when she shouted "Mom! Look! Jack followed us!" I quickly look in my mirrors and to the right and left sides of me. I then realize that I don't know a Jack... "Who's Jack?" She points out her window and says "Right there! Jack... the white horse."

Well, as the years passed, she started having friends. She would ask if they could sleep over. "Ummm... sure!" They were always gone by morning, so how could I say no?
Then she told me they would sneak over here at nights and have big Birthday parties in her room. They would bring her presents and everything.
They became a part of our day-to-day lives, and one day I asked her "Why don't you ever go to your friends to play?" She said "They really like our house... and their Mom's don't like having people over." Alrighty then.
Lately she has taken to imaginary cooking and baking. She's always making cakes, cookies, and serving Mike and I our diet drinks. ( no wonder I have issues losing weight!) As Mike was leaving for his trip, she stocked him up with muffins, cakes, and cookies... enough to last him two weeks. As we dropped him off at the airport she yells "Did you remember all your treats Daddy?"
We went to Smith's last week and I forgot my wallet, we turned around and drove home to get it. As we were leaving she said "Too bad we aren't in my imaginary world! You could buy anything at the store for a penny! ALL OF IT for a penny!" So that opened up the conversation where I said "Addi? Why do you think you have an imaginary world? Is it because you don't like the real world we live in?" She thought about it a minute and said "No, I have imaginary pets though... because I know you will never let me have real ones." I agreed that was a good idea. Then I asked "What about friends?" She laughed, "Mom! You can never have enough friends!" True. I asked "Do you have another Mom in your imaginary world?" To which she melted my heart with "I could NEVER have another Mom, you love me in both my worlds!" True again.
So we'll see how long it lasts, but it's only getting more and more elaborate as her imagination grows.
Addi is a great big sister, and takes such good care of Sophie.

She has as heart big enough to love everyone and anyone. She is incredible forgiving, and can find the good in any situation.
She is my "sunshine girl" because of how she was as a baby. Every morning she would wake up and sit straight up in bed... look around the room... and smile! She NEVER cried in the mornings, honestly it was hard ot know when she was awake. I would peek in her room to see her big grin, giggling that I was getting her out of her crib.
She sucked her two middle fingers, and was always my cuddle bug. She still climbs in my bed and cuddles... although now she talks to me non-stop. She was my chubbiest baby... just rolls and rolls of the chubbiest chubs! I LOVED it! And now she is my 'skin and bones' child. Always hungry... always! The pediatrician guestimated her somewhere around 6'2"-6'4", so I figure that's why she needs all the food!

She is my chatty-kathy, friendly to anyone and everyone. She compliments me at least once a day... on what I'm doing or what I'm wearing. She is a social butterfly and LOVES people.
I pray that she finds a husband who will love and adore her as much as she will love and adore him! She will be a fantastic mother, far more loving that I could ever be. She is my little slice of heaven in my 'real' world!

My Tween

2010-01-12T09:54:00.001-07:00

(I have to note... this is my 200th post. I'm surprised that even with my 'time off' last year I have posted that many times. I don't tend to stick with many things, so this is huge for me.)

Tween: In between

a girl ages about 10-13...too old for toys, but too young for boys.

Very easy to market to, will usually follow any fashion trend set for them, will most likely go through the phase of 'finding themselves' as they 'grow up'.

1. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen's main fanbase are all tweens.

2. tween 1: LyK oMg, I aM jUsT gOiNg ThRu TeH hArDeSt TiMe Of My LyF...i RaN oUt Of EyEsHaDoW!!!!
tween 2: OMG!!!! DO YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER FOR SUPPORT?!?!?!?!?!

My sweet baby girl turned 10 yesterday. This has been both an awesome thing, and a sad thing for me.

First, I think that it's awesome to see what an amazing person Cori is. She is kind, generous, loving, smart as a whip, and really has a good grasp on who she is and what she expects from life.
But secondly, I fear that she is headed into uncharted territory. To those scary and painful years of wanting acceptance from people who don't matter, and having to stand up for what you believe in. Friends, boys, clothes, hair... needing everything to be 'right'.
I really believe that her and I have done a lot of growing up together. Being the first child, she is the one who has suffered through most of my early parenting trials. My 'trial and error' period. Learning how to care for someone who you love so amazingly deep. Wanting to protect her from everyone and everything, yet learning that she needs to make her own decisions and find her own path.

She made me a Mom, which seemed so odd at first. I was not the girl who wanted to grow up and bake cookies and make babies. I didn't prefer to play house, or play with dolls. I wanted trucks, I picked fights, I liked getting dirty, I skipped school, and broke every rule I could think of.
Now I cannot imagine my life without her. She is part of me, and part of my soul. From the first time I saw her, I knew that we had been great friends before this life. She accepted who I was, and loved me in spite of all my flaws... and I knew that I would love her unconditionally for the rest of my existence.
She came to me so perfect. I have tried not to 'screw her up' too badly, and she has taught me so much as she's grown.
I love her smile. When she turns her head to the side, and squints her eyes. The endearing sound she makes when she hugs me. The mornings she has to have a second kiss before leaving for school. The fact that she HAS to be kissed and hugged while she is in her bed. (You cannot kiss her goodnight and then send her to bed. You have to 'tuck her in'... still at this age.) Her gratitude and ability to thank me for anything and everything. Her silly faces, and her sneaky faces. Her willingness to always help... and how she likes to sing to herself, loudly... when she thinks nobody's listening.
I cannot believe that she's 10 years old... and yet she's an old soul. I always joke that she is my mother, telling me when I'm doing something I shouldn't. Asking me to "think about" my behavior at times. And not in a sassy way... from a very loving and genuine place.
She has a sensitive heart, and I'll have a really hard time with anyone who breaks it. (Not to mention Mike will kill anyone who hurts his girls!)

I could never express in words how much I love her, and admire her. But enough about all the feelings and cheesy stuff...

We had a combined Birthday Party for both Cori and Addi on Sunday night. (Addi's Birthday is Thursday) I asked the girls what type of theme they wanted. They both agreed on a Valentine's Birthday. It was tons of fun decorating everything pink and red. We had finger foods, and heart-shaped desserts instead of traditional cake. And raspberry sherbet with Sprite instead of ice cream. All the foods were pink, red, white. Most of the family came, and it was a blast!
Addi was, of course, such a drama queen! At one point she opened a card with money in it (from Mr. & Mrs. Sweetie) and her eyes got huge! As she lifted each bill out of the card she said "A FIVE dollar", "ANOTHER five dollar" and as she lifted a twenty dollar bill she got short of breath, gasped and said "a... a... What kind of dollar is this?!!" Knowing it was more than she'd ever had (and maybe seen) before. She was too funny!
Cori got a bike this year. Her one request was that it wasn't pink. But the only bike the right size, with the right brakes (hand and coaster) that didn't shift gears, was... yep, pink. She said she could handle it... "as long as I don't have to wear a pink helmet!" She's my tomboy, and I relate so well to the way she thinks!
It was a great party, with great people!
The next day, was Cori's actual Birthday. She was so thrilled that she had to go to school AND choir on her Birthday. So she got up early, got ready and was gone!
For dinner last night we had her favorites! A breakfast dinner, with german pancakes and sausage. Even a gallon of chocolate milk.
She got to open a couple gifts (clothes) last night from the family. She said she had a great day, and I'm glad.
Love her!

The end of the Road

2010-01-10T15:28:00.005-07:00

"the winds of change" blew through me today. That little phrase brings back some awesome memories from Jr. High... how could you not love the Scorpions?

This post is more personal for me. I know with my blog being very public, I have to chose my words wisely. Since I haven't given myself time to process this change in my life, I need to be careful. I won't go into any of the outside elements, or people involved. The drama, the friendships, the confusion... but maybe the pain. I tend to write more harshly when I am hurting.

My Stake calling has been the absolute most saving factor for me spiritually. I admit that I may have relied on it too much, but after some difficult events, it really saved me.
I like to think that I gave it back as much as it gave me... but I'm afraid that might not be true.

My patriarchal blessing specifically discusses my role and calling with serving the youth. It's the "chicken and the egg" theory of "Do I love the youth more because of my blessing?" or "Is it because of my blessing that I am drawn to the youth of the church?" Regardless, I have always felt that it is where I belong.

I have had some wonderful experiences over the past 10 years. I have made friendships that will last forever, and I have felt the Lord's love for the youth of the church.

I have taken much of the blame for this in recent years. "Maybe if I were more righteous... "

I have really struggled with my current situation... finding my place here, feeling accepted, feeling fulfilled, and knowing I am doing what I should. My Stake calling has been a 'way out' if you will. Receiving my calling has fed my soul. It's healed many of the wounds I have received.

For whatever reason... probably my own inadequacies... I have had a real bumpy road. However, the past year for me I have felt "right". As if things were finally falling into place for me.

I think that the culture of my religion is a funny thing. We all believe the same things, and we all serve each other, but depending on who and where we are asked to serve... our faith can be shaken.

Sometimes it is the specific task we are asked to do, sometimes it's the time it requires from us, and sometimes it's who we are asked to serve with.

I think that the Lord has taught me many lessons through my church callings. Sometimes I have been uplifted and edified by my experiences, while other times I have been knocked down to the very foundation of my testimony. I can say that the past few years of my life I have learned the more difficult lessons.

It took a year for me to even have a place to belong here. Then I was twisted and tried in everything I put my heart into. Coming from a place where I was happy, fulfilled, and accepted... it has been quite a journey.

My journey came to an abrupt stop today. Being led to believe one thing, and being handed another thing. So, again I feel lost.

The only way to describe it would be "like the road I've been on has been closed" And it's not a detour, or an unexpected turn... because I don't have another direction to go. I'm just stopped. Like I'm totally packed, gassed up, loaded up on snacks, I've got my roadtrip songs playing... and I come to a closed road.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, or if that's the best way to describe it. I've been asked to go a different direction many times, and sometimes it is unexpected. But a change in direction is different than a stop. This is the only place I have been stopped, and more than once.

Not that long ago, I was told "There is no place for you right now". I have to say that those words echo in my head repeatedly. And while they didn't come from God himself, they did come from a man... I can't help but wonder why I've been put in this place. again.

Sadly, I'm not as strong as I think I am. I feel like it's a "two steps forward, one step back" progress... I'm hoping that that the slow progress will get me there... eventually.

I would like to say that "everything happens for a reason" is a logic I can fall back on, but not today. Maybe tomorrow... or maybe next week. But for now, I'm left with the "why?" And I'd like to think that stopping on my road doesn't have to be so bad. I'm afraid that the longer I stay in one place.... the more likely I am to pull out my trowel and bricks and build a big wall around me. It's what I do best, and it's what I tend to fall back on.

I guess all I can do is spend more time on my knees, not asking why... but asking God to PLEASE give me a road I belong on.

Nectar of the Gods

2010-01-09T12:17:00.004-07:00

I wouldn't want to use this as an opportunity to track my day-to-day tedious happenings... but I've been keeping a written journal, a 'food journal' if you will. I do have to admit that if this diet teaches me nothing else... I learned that my dependency on my glorious caffeinated beverage (diet Dr. Pepper) is much greater than I realized.
I had a conversation recently about my religious beliefs, and the issue of caffeinated/carbonated beverages. (I like the word 'beverage' a lot) How strange is it to learn of our beliefs for the first time. Now our belief in God, or Jesus, or even our living prophets. But how about the Word of Wisdom?
Why is it that we are instructed not to drink coffee or tea... but we are fee to have unlimited amounts of caffeinated soda? If you research the effects that soda has on the body, in comparison to tea, it is alarming.
I cannot claim to have all the information, and I'm not educated in any medical profession... but I can say that the information I have read really makes me wonder. If caffeinated soda had been a prevalent beverage a couple hundred years ago... would we be instructed not to drink it?
Now I'm not climbing on any high horse, and I'm not going to proclaim that I am never going to drink soda... because I will. In fact, I am counting down the days! Just some food for thought.
When I go off this crazy diet, I will love the indulgence of my 'liquid love', but I think I may go a bit easier on the gas station 'fill ups'. I am sad to admit that I was drinking at least two 44oz. drinks a day... that's 88oz. a day. And more than that on a bad day.
I recently found out that I shouldn't be drinking Green Tea. (yes, this is after having been drinking it for quite some time.... a few years!) I thought herbal tea... green tea... it doesn't get more herbal that 'green', right? Apparently not!
I can say that I was honestly surprised that while I should be drinking Green Tea... I can go drowned myself in Coke. Now I know that 'moderation in all things' could be the lesson here, but I still think that there is something fundamentally wrong with drinking Coke over Green Tea.
So as I was doubled over and nauseous from my severe headache last night, I felt a kind of 'punishment' for my decision making skills. And while I will continue to drink 'the nectar of the God's', I can say it won't surprise me if sometime in the future we are instructed to 'ween ourselves' off of the stuff.
Just saying.
(FYI- at the beginning of this diet you 'load', meaning eat all you can. Who gains 8 pounds in two days?... me. I'm hoping to just lose the weight I gained in those first two days... ridiculous!)

My little secret

2010-01-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

I guess this post is more of a confession. A confession of how desperate I am to get results.
I am one who has always ripped on the fad diets. It's ridiculous to me the types of things people do to lose weight. Well... I can now be included in the groups of ridiculous people. Desperate... that's the only word that comes to mind.
I'm not going to go into details on the actual diet plan. It's silly enough to think about, I'm not sure I want to be reminded of it for years and years. (and certainly not have my children read about how stupid I was)
I KNOW what I need to do to be healthy. I KNOW the information on dieting and exercise. I even can say that I have followed a healthy plan and it's worked for me. Weight Watchers was a good eating plan. In fact, when I'm finished with this little "kick in the butt" crazy plan... I will return to living the lifestyle I learned at Weight Watchers.
I know that nothing is "easy" and I certainly am not expecting this to be a "cure all" or be a long term solution. I guess I'm taking it as a "kick in the butt" to get me started.
I'm worried that depriving myself of my daily caffeinated beverage, and my chocolate fix will make me a horrible person to live with. I told Mike I was worried about being ornery. He agreed! For some reason I can say that I'm worried about that... but if he's think I'll be ornery, well I just think it's rude!
My sister is getting married in February. That means yet another picture on my mother's wall... to forever remind me that I'm the 'fatty' of my family. Ironically... the picture I looked the best in (and was at my lowest) was my sisters wedding... who has since been divorced and remarried. So in my vain and narcissistic thinking, I'm sad to know that particular picture is gone forever... and will never been seen again, or hang on my Mom's wall. Is it wrong to ask that she hang up a picture of her first wedding so people will know that I have been thinner? Ridiculous!
I have this sister's wedding in February, and then one more sister to be married. One last opportunity to have something hanging there I can look at without feeling terrible. I guess it's not entirely true... my own wedding picture is good. I looked good and didn't even know it. Truth be told, I didn't even think about my weight back then. I didn't want to fit into a certain size of dress, or try to lose any weight before I got married. I was just me, and I didn't have any issues with that. What should that tell me?
So that's my little secret. This weekend I will have joined the 'crazies' who I've always laughed at and made fun of. I can say that I think my attitude about it is fairly healthy. It's probably stupid to try, but I'm gonna give it a shot. You'd think after my 'Alli' experience I would have learned a lesson... but what can be worse that that? Maybe it's been too long for me to remember the promises I made to myself on the toilet... cussing at Wynonna and that stupid bottle of pills!
Worst case scenario? I don't lose any weight and waste a few weeks of my life not eating what I'd like to. I can think of worse.

Ready to pull my hair out

2010-01-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Oh what to do.

My sweet Sofa-loaf has once again put me into new territory. She has decided that when she is mad at me... she'll pull her hair out.
It started about a month ago. I'm not talking about a few hairs either, I'm talking handfuls. We were at the older girls b-ball game and the Dad next to me saw the wad of hair on the floor and nudged me to look... he was concerned of course. I just smiled "yeah... it's my daughters. She's upset with me."
I can say that if Sophie's taught me one thing... it's to not care what other people think of me as a parent. I can no longer worry about it, I have enough to worry about with just getting her raised.
I'm not sure where it started, and I know it's got to really hurt her. She is getting a significant bald spot, and it's right on the front of her scalp.
Initially I made a big deal out of it. I was shocked and also concerned for her. She's always had such beautiful healthy hair. It's thick (thank goodness) and it's been long... really long until recent. She asked me to cut it, and in fear that she'd cut it herself, I obliged.
(When I was about 5, I wanted my hair short like a friend. At the time it was past the middle of my back, and my Mom loved it. I remember my Mom chuckling to her friend in her refusal to cut it. She said it was too beautiful to cut. I remember thinking "Fine! I'll do it myself" and about 5 minutes later I had found the sewing scissors, I went into the bathroom and cut off my ponytail right at the base. I then walked into my baby sisters room... I remember specifically a dark room, she must have been sleeping... and I cut all the curls off the back of her head. So maybe having Sophie is just payback for my own stubbornness?)
So, last month I cut Sophie's hair to just below her shoulders. She said that she liked it. But when Mike asked her why she's been pulling out her hair... she told him it was because she wants it cut short. I'm not sure if that's just an excuse or not.
So everyday when I do her hair, I feel the stubble of her expanding bald spot. I find chunks of hair in her bed... when she doesn't want to go to sleep. And I often find them stuck to her shirt.
So what are my options? I can't shave her head... and that's the only definite solution I can think of. I've tried pulling her hair back, but she'll still grab the front and rip it out.
I'm at the end of this particular rope. As she has so many times before... she's left me bewildered. What form of discipline do I use to not make it worse?
Although the picture of her included in the post would suggest otherwise, I've been trying really hard not to label her as difficult. I used to call her 'stinker', it was her nickname. She was truthfully my little stinker. When the other girls started calling her that, and acting like she was difficult, I stopped. I don't call her anything negative anymore... and I won't let her sisters either. I started calling her 'sweet' and 'cuddly' (even if she is the farthest thing from it) I can say that it's made a big difference. She is surprisingly more sweet when I call her that.
I'm afraid that calling her "my sweetie who-doesn't-pull-out-her-hair" is not the solution though. I've started acting like I don't care, and when I send her to her room... she just sits there and pulls it out until she gets out of time-out.
So now I AM READY TO PULL MY HAIR OUT! Maybe we can just be bald together.

2010... here we go!

2010-01-01T10:39:00.003-07:00

New Years Resolutions... hummmm...
For whatever reason, this past year of 2009 was not the best year for me. You would think it would be better than 2008, and in some ways it was... but I feel it was less productive of a year.
I hit my weight loss plateau, then over the course of the next 8 months continued to gain back 20 -25 pounds.
I cannot even begin to describe how difficult that is, and how angry it makes me. And while I the control over my losing and gaining, in so many ways it is still out-of-control.
I know what I have to do to change it, but I can only make it the focus of my life for so long. I feel like it has to consume me in order for me to change it. It's the first thing I think about it when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. It's a day-to-day constant. I guess I just don't think it's fair.
When I just live my life (and not what I consider too indulgent) I only get mad at myself when I look in the mirror after getting ready. Although lately, I can tell a difference when I'm getting dressed, and that's frustrating.
So the dilemma is... do I let it consume me again and drop the weight... or live my life and be a bit heavy? What's a girls to do?
In looking back over the year... it had it's high's and low's. It's fair share of family and personal drama. I stopped writing for a while, and that was difficult for me. I think I stopped writing my emotions and just ate them instead.
So enough on that... I'm starting a new year, which mean having new goals (or the same as before) but a new found commitment to better myself.

As my tradition, I am choosing to improve three areas of my life "in wisdom, stature, and in favour with God and man" (Luke 2:52) So here it goes...

To increase my wisdom:

1. Read. I started reading after Sophie was born, and I notice improvements in my vocabulary and my open-minded-ness (is that a word?) when I read more often.

2. Write. I really missed writing this past year, and I'm going to keep a better record of my year.

To increase stature (physical goals):

1. Learn to not just 'lose weight'... but maintain a healthy weight

2. love my body, and be happy with where I am... not always reaching for happiness in those next 10 pounds.

To increase favour with God (spiritual goals):

1. Increase my temple attendance (always at the top of my list... every year)

2. Increase my personal scripture studies

As I went through the goals I set for myself last year, it just reiterated the fact that 2009 was not the best year for me. But that's now in the past, and I have the opportunity to make 2010 the best year yet! I have to add my favorite quote... (which may just become the traditional quote to start each year)...

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I realize that I must be realistic in my goals, and my ability to achieve them. I feel like I can push forward with enough positive energy to accomplish anything I want. I always tell my girls... the beauty of life (and the country we live in) is that if you want it bad enough, and work hard enough, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT!

Happy New Year!

sherian

San Diego and Saudi Arabia

Cori's #12

Fancy Addi turns 8

2012... moving forward and looking back

Tis' the season to be jolly

Communication

The San Francisco Treat... ding, ding!

Keeping up!

Summer Lovin'

It ain't about the money

Summertime happenings

Daddy Day

Places to go, things to do, people to see!

Don't rain on my parade!

blah, blah, blah

Swimming through the Roller Coaster

The good. The bad. The ugly.

Life

Dear Lord...

Hated or Loved

So much to smile about

No regrets

What the hell

Small girl in a big world

Happy LOVE Day

Perfection is so overrated!

An uphill battle

Uncle Steve

Here we go!

"Ninety percent of all those who fail are not actually defeated. They simply quit."-- Paul J. Meyer

Baby you're a Firework!

Drum roll please............

Pics of the brick wall

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho... it's off to work I go!

Disneyland 2010

Trying to catch up

Ode to Fabric Softener

"Thanks for noticing me"- eeyore

Show me the money!

Knowledge of his plan

The best 12 years of my life!

My new quest...starting at Qwest

She's crafty... she gets around... she's crafty

Bear Lake 2010

Bountiful Baskets

Camping is intense... in tents

Sophie's Birthday

Subdued

Sand Hollow

Viva Las Vegas

Yee Haw!

Happy Birthday Lex!!!

Oh happy day!

Missing Pictures & our "hop-a-long"

Crazy... busy... and then some!

Balance

Spring Break... South Beach

Temple Time

Internal changes vs External changes

Thumper's lesson

No worries

fake it 'till you make it!

I can't let her break

A peek inside Addi's head

So Sorry!

Sweet P

R & R

Big Fat Bummer

Valentine's Day

Parenting doesn't get much better than this week

The fun has arrived

The end is near

Manda's Big Day

Ramblings on Randomness

Kissed the Boys and Made Them Cry!

My Tween

The end of the Road

Nectar of the Gods

My little secret

"Ninety percent of all those who fail are not actually defeated. They simply quit."
-- Paul J. Meyer